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On a Clear Day I Can See Mr. Ratburn Glaring (Arthur Lost Episode) (view source)

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Mr Ratburn had no doubts on his mind that Haney would blame him or what happened with the inspectors, but he put it out o his mind and got ready to drink his sorrows away and say hello to a new life of unemployment and life on the dole when he felt someone tap his shoulder. Thinking it was his hubbie, Mr Ratburn turned around only to get greeted by his old community college roommate from the Summer of 72; Hank Scorpio himself. He was wearing a SICK looking purple pullover as he wrapped his arm around Mr Ratburn before saying, "son, I couldn't help but overhear your predicament involving some school inspectors who came to see how you and your school is run. You were going to try and forget all that by getting drunk on wimp rat juice, and eating chips doused in guacamole." As soon as Scorpio said that an uncaring waiter who may be in bed with the Colombian Cartel placed a guacamole hat on top of Ratburn's head. An impassive Ratburn tilted his head to the side allowing for guacamole to get all over the fucking floor much to Hank's delight as he could see just how badly the inspectors visit and their comments had affected Ratburn. The guacamole hat was a mandated food item added by El Macho who was effectively Old Joe's business partner. Yes, El Macho didn't say locked up or long as the AVL is heavily corrupt as they let him go free for a lack of evidence. They let ole Floyd Eagle San take all of the blame, but we all know that is not true don't we son? Poor old Floyd Eagle San! Send him some love or don't. I don't really care if you do or don't to be perfectly honest with you dear reader. Hank Scorpio requested a booth for himself, Mr Ratburn, and Darth Vader to sit at. Ratburn grinned from ear to ear as Hank Scorpio explained that Ratburn cannot simply let people walk all over him day in and say out. It was time for him to bite back like a rabid dog you really want to out down, but you just can't bring yourself to kill the little tike. Even though the ragged mutt had bitten the arm of a charity collector who used to babysit you back in the Summer to end all Summers. She babysat you all the whole her husband worked on the fields with a lawnmower. Bet you never thought about that when you were stealing her Starbursts did you?
 
Sorry, I…I... that got too real or a second. Time or a pause. Okay, I'm good now. So basically, using some blue prints which were doused in Genco Pura Olive Oil, Hank Scorpio explained that he would need to get revenge on his students who were quite obviously the ones that cost him his chances of impressing the inspectors. He had to impress the inspectors if you catch my drift? Oh yes, catch it like a bad case of pig flu. "I do not harm wish to harm my class, I only wish to teach them a lesson in good manners you see." Mr Ratburn explained. All of the sudden, Eddie Cat the man who found a way to make good manners cool and catchy came on screen as he asked, "but was Mr Ratburn having good manners by eating with his mouth open?" Eddie Cat wasn't lying, ole Ratty was eating pumpkin pie with his mouth wide open which made me feel very tempted to sue. I never liked it when people eat with their mouths open, and I am very outspoken on topics such as this. In any case, after that brief and sudden appearance from Eddie Cat, the scene transitioned to show Arthur and Buster preparing some chocolate brownies to sell to their customers at the small town grocers located at Elwood City Mall. You see; after the pair got caught helping Binky beat up a clown who was just trying to sell his bike, the pair were forced by Arthur's mother to get jobs because she read in a book on manners by Eddie Cat, that having a job can set someone on the right path and can make them evade a life full of catastrophe. Arthur and Buster were adding the finishing touches when they heard the doorbell ring, and the pair went to go and see who it was. They failed to realise that they had walked into a trap. It was Hank Scorpio who had pressed the doorbell, and using his jetpack he was able to fly away to the other side of the street just before Arthur went to answer it. In the meantime, Mr Ratburn snuck into the kitchen and added some peanuts and a healthy dose of laxatives into the brownie mixture. He had been lowered into the room by pull strings that were used to lower him through the ceiling panel. He tugged on the string, and was pulled back up by Hank Scorpio.
 
Returning to the kitchen, Arthur looked really confused as he turned to face Buster who simply stared at him all the while pulling an incredibly cheesy face. Buster was still blushing like a mad rabbit and he looked ill. Arthur then said, "time to sail this ship into the shore." He placed the brownie mixture onto a baking tray before throwing the tray into the oven. He didn't gently put the mixture into the oven, oh no he bloody slammed that thing in there. Wink. So as I was saying earlier, Arthur and Buster got themselves part time jobs at a grocers because the owner Markipiler was off sick or so he said. In reality, he had left the store to be condemned by a band of repo men who charge no money, for all they want is a big bowl of spaghetti. A blue bowl not a red bowl. They are not sick after all! The repo men never showed up, which meant that the store became property of the local Elwood City Mob who offered Arthur and Buster work there, but they were required to work for minimum wage sadly. At the store, Arthur and Buster were shown selling free brownie samples as it was National Free Brownie Day. Oh, now that makes sense! Mr Ratburn and Hank Scorpio entered the store, and were wearing overly long trench coats and hats so that Mr Ratburn's students wouldn't be able to recognise him. A man named Mr Harrington entered the shop. Got a bloody big chin he did! He walked right up to the front desk, and asked to sample one of the brownies. "Here you go Sir!" Buster proclaimed happily which caused Harrington to roll his eyes. Sorry Buster, you were a little too happy when saying that you really needed a bit of edge otherwise you might get sent to Edge City. Mr Harrington marvelled the brownie in his hand as he asked the boys, "do you two play any sports?" Mr Harrington is indeed obsessed with sports players, but he got no answer as he bit into the brownie. He chewed the brownie for a hot minute, but then he suddenly looked distressed as his face began to swell up like a balloon. To make matters worse, his gut started to violently rumble as he began shitting all over the bloody place. He shot up into the air, and came back down slamming his head face first on the concrete floor. Concrete flooring in a small town grocers? That's a bit dangerous isn't it?
 
As if Arthur and Buster's day couldn't get any worse at that very moment their number one customer; Mr Pumpkin walked in and proclaimed, "I'm very hungry!" But when he noticed what had happened to Mr Harrington, and when he learned that the pair had even bothered to consider if someone had an allergy before adding nuts to their brownies he looked at them with the most sinister glare that a pumpkin could possibly muster up as he yelled angrily, "that was terrible! I've coming back here!" He then proceeded to have the store closed down, and he laughed as the boys were yelled at by their parents who were beginning to lose their patience. The pair tried to explain that they had no added the nuts or the laxatives to the brownies, but all of their pleas sadly ended up falling on deaf ears. The brownies weren't all that bad, because despite what they did to Mr Harrington, the laxative tainted treats became highly popular with the senior citizens of Elwood, but that was another story. Mr Ratburn smiled at Hank Scorpio who ticked a tick on Arthur and Buster's names. They had written a list of Ratburn's students on a clipboard who were the most responsible for the inspectors visit going horribly awry. Suddenly, the Now A Word From Us Kids segment came on screen, and it featured some college kids taking part in an acting lesson with Mr Ron. They were talking about how Corleone Dobermans are kidnapped. "They get tied up." One of the students suggested. "Good suggestion, but let's just say I'm going to be tying you up soon." Mr Ron said, but at that moment, Eddie Cat came in and a purple glow surrounded him as he proclaimed, "oh that is not good manners, and I will not have that! That is not catchy!" He and Mr Ron had an epic fight, but we never were able to see the outcome of the fight because all of the sudden Binky's face came on screen. He looked deformed as his teeth were as sharp as knives, his fat was 1% fatter than normal, and his eyes oh good lord they were…were... slightly wonky. Well I never!
 
Next on Mr Ratburn and Hank Scorpio's list of students was Muffy, but they were going to try and make her become bankrupt. To do this, they headed to the Elwood City Stock Exchange, and began basically bad mouthing Mr Crosswire, and even went as far as to convince the members of the Exchange that Mr Crosswire was actually a major conman who was importing money and washing it down with cod liver which causes the profits to skyrocket like a balloon in Tahiti. One of the members of the Exchange sniffed his pooey fingers as he said, "well that Crosswire hasn't left any money to me." Yes, Mr Crosswire was required to loan huge cash sums to members of the Exchange so that they don't rat him or his friends out to the federal government. Now realising that Crosswire hasn't paid the toll in months so to speak, Mr Ratburn and Scorpio were able to convince the Stock Exchange to pass information about Crosswire's criminal actions to the government. He was no used cars salesman, it was all just a front. His car company was managed by his lieutenant Danny Vizier, while Crosswire controlled the most powerful crime syndicate in Elwood City. The reason he went undiscovered for so long was because he had connections with friends so high up at the Luxton Bus Company it'll make your nose bleed. One of the drivers at Luxton, Stan Butler came across a photo of Crosswire and Luxton's General Manager having tea consisting of spotted dick and ham. Mm, I sure do love a bit of spotted dick. Anyways, the Feds initially dismissed the rumours of Crosswire being a mob boss since he had sold many of them a car in the past. They eventually listened, and took Crosswire downtown because he had a playdate with destiny and red potatoes. Mr Crosswire was sent to Elwood State Penitentiary where he became a lapdog for the prison's top guard; Frank Belton who would regularly torment Crosswire by making him read him bedtime stories about people who are crushed to death by flying gumballs. Crosswire only gave into Belton's demands so that he could receive protection from his cellmate; Notso Fat who would regularly torment Belton for wearing diamond coated slippers when out on walks along the prison walls.
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Stealing the mirror, Binky climbed up onto a cliff at the highest point of the salt mines and attempted to flash a signal in morse code, but he got pulled off the cliff by one of The Coachman's gorilla henchmen. Turns out Binky's father was actually lying when he talked about flashing a signal in morse code, as he was actually trying to teach Binky a tactic he used to cheat on his GCSE biology exam. Ah the GCSE biology story, now that is one heck of a tall tale. Could it be one of Mater's tall tales? Binky was pulled back down to ground level, but he dived underneath the fancy throw rug and attempted to escape that way but he got stopped at the front entrance of the salt mine by The Coachman who clasped a riding crop tightly in both hands as he asked, "and where are you going in such a hurry Murray?" Tears swelled up in Binky's eyes as he said, "my name is not Murray." The Coachman never bothered to learn the names of his workers, and instead referred to them with allies such as Murray or Franklin. Hmm. Over time, Binky grew to become an efficient worker, and since he was not abided to work at the salt mines his entire life he left a changed bulldog. He joined a church and became a monk. He and the other monks had this little ritual where everyday at 12 pm sharp, they would eat Mars Bars and swing on the bells. Binky had finally learned a lesson. The Coachman for all of his flaws was certainly no sadist as his salt mines helped to reform many young youths like Binky. I still think however that The Coachman's actions were little heavy handed in how they were executed, but regardless of that fact Mr Ratburn and Hank Scorpio celebrated with a pint at Old Joe's. Scorpio had gotten Ratburn a job as superintendent at a local school up at Cypress Creek. Mr Ratburn and his husband were to leave for the school in three days time, but before moving away to a place where people don't know their names, Mr Ratburn had one last fish to fry. That being of course Francine. Francine? Oh my bad, I got ass flu I meant to say The Brain!
 
Word had reached Mr Ratburn's disgusting ear lobe that Brain was applying to attend West Coast Tec, and he was going to wow his interviewers by showing them his brand new invention a machine which can spread butter on toast for you. Hank turned to face Mr Ratburn with an incredibly smug face as he asked, "what do you say we really ruin that asshole's day?" On the morning of the unveiling, Mr Ratburn snuck into the assembly hall at Elwood School, and he screwed about with a bunch of the wires on the machine. Mr Ratburn ducked out of the room just as Brain and the visiting professors from West Coast showed up on the scene. They were a bunch of chimpanzees consisting of Professor Percy, Lord Reginald, and Doctor Marmalade. Doctor Marmalade had not wanted to attend this interview as he was currently gone on the run from Paddington Bear who thought that Marmalade was made from well…well... actual marmalade. Oh, Paddington you sly fox! Hang on a second, you're not even a fox. You son are a bear! Mr Ratburn hid behind a wall with Scorpio, and both men peered into the room as the Brain got ready to turn his machine on. "My dearest professors, prepare to be amazed. No longer will you destroy the toast when you try to spread it. From now on, it's smooth saying or perhaps I should say smooth spreading!" Brain joked, but his joke failed to land as all three of the chimp professors remained impassive like some kind of Tom Hagen. Brain cleared his throat very loudly I might add as he tapped a button on the side of the machine, but suddenly the machine grew legs and the arm which is used to spread the butter for you started charging at Lord Reginald with a machete. Meanwhile, Professor Percy and Lord Marmalade hid behind some trash cans while the evil buttering robot which was shaped like a can opener from Vice City chased Lord Reginald around the entire assembly hall. Don't know if you knew this or not, but can openers are a lot different in Vice City when compared to the rest of the world.
 
Brain was eventually able to switch the machine off, and he did this by pulling out the plug all the while smiling sinisterly like some kind of Crash Bandicoot. Brain attempted to justify what had happened, but he was tossed into a trash can by Lord Reginald's personal enforcer; Slab. The last we see of Brain in the episode is a shot of him reading a newspaper regarding the rise of loan sharks in Empire Bay while in the bathroom. This hints that his dreams of attending West Coast Tech are now permanently in shambles. Join the club Brain we've got jackets. Yes, I too applied for West Coast Tech back when I was planning to maybe become a world famous scientists, I sent several emails but they never got back to me. Uptight bastards! You missed out okay you missed out! With all of his students having learnt their lesson, Mr Ratburn headed to Cypress Creek where he began his new life as superintendent. Sadly, it all came crashing down on his first day of the job, he received a message on his intercom from his secretary informing him that his old students are outside the main gate waiting to speak to him. Mr Ratburn gulped heavily, as the door to his classroom burst open and all of the gang including Arthur, Binky, Buster, Francine, and Muffy came in holding baseball bats and kitchen knives. Mr Ratburn backed up against a wall as he pleaded, "no wait you lot don't understand! I can explain…explain... I mean can't we just settle this over a cake?" He then proceeded to reveal a caterpillar cake sitting on a stand next to the wall he was pressed up against. "It might come as a surprise, but I'm actually not too keen on cake." Muffy said as she and the others charged towards Mr Ratburn who looked visibly terrified.
 
Hank Scorpio came into the classroom holding some coffee and lime beans as he cried, "oh my goodness! Arthur you really are a murderer!" Arthur turned to face Scorpio clearly intending to give him the same punishment as he did to Ratburn, but that's when Scorpio pulled his slick ginger hair back revealing him to have a zipper upon his forehead. Scorpio unzipped his forehead, and stripped down revealing himself to be Mr Ratburn. Mr Ratburn's right cheek looked swollen as he asked with a smirk, "oh Arthur Ratburn are you having cake?" Arthur turned to face his friends and the false Mr Ratburn only to discover that they were all now Mr Ratburn. They ganged around Arthur and had him huddling in a small corner of the room. They all glared down at Arthur as they asked, "are you having cake?" Arthur buried his face into his knees as an outside view of the classroom was shown as the song That's Life by Frank Sinatra could be heard playing in the background. The real Hank Scorpio was then shown sitting on a reclining chair right next to the lake that overlooks the school that had now become Mr Ratburn's brand new home turf. Scorpio reclined into the chair, and sipped on a glass of otter sauce as he said, "you did good Hank. You did good, but now I must deal with that pesky Mr Bont." He pressed a purple button on his chair which caused a helicopter to appear in the sky above him. Mr Bont was shown hanging from the helicopter on a wire, and there were some alligators that were jumping up at him. Driving the helicopter was none other than Brain who said, "the past must be paid for Bonty baby." The episode then ended with the credits, but they were SICK! They were in slow motion and the language was German. I can't speak German! Oh fuck shit farty butts! I nearly vomited as the screen came to show a post credit scene which featured Ronald McDonald in an elevator. He pressed an alarm button as he sang, "ring the alarm button, but don't mess with the doors!" If I'm ever trapped in an elevator with Ronald McDonald, you better believe I am going to be pressing that alarm button! Say I have given you a clue?
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Ahem! Deputy Head Mr Mazur rose from his chair as he yelled, "that is it! I have seen quite enough! Mr Old Worthy it is quite clear you have lost the plot to show your students something as disgusting as that Arthur cartoon. I just got off the phone to White Hall, and they think it would be best for you to end up in the electric chair!" Yes, Mazur is obsessed with the electric chair, and he actually keeps one in a backroom in his office. He only gets to use this whenever Crabby is off sick or sometimes he'll do in secret. I relaxed into my chair, and chuckled as I was offered Old Worthy's job by Mazur. Just as I was about to shake his hand, the door swung open as Mrs Nobair came in accompanied by her son Fat Billy Nobair who had green stink fumes coming from his head. It smelt real bad like really bad. Like blue cheese and cinnamon swirls in an ashtray. Mrs Nobair had a clothes pin stuck to her nose in order to keep the stink from entering her nostrils. Mazur nearly threw up as he asked, "blooming heck Nobair! What have I told you about having those mud bathes up in Dukes, they make you stink like a sink!" Mrs Nobair and her son then explained everything to Mazur and Mr Old Worthy whose head ended up blowing off killing him instantly. Why had his head blown up? Well, I think he was so shocked by both that Arthur episode and my role in creating it that caused his death. Mr Mazur turned around to confront as his eyes bulged out like Luca Brasi as he yelled, "boyio I'm going to call the police, and have you put in the electric chair!" I had already left the classroom however through the old shining cave, and in my chair I had left behind a can of Hi Dad Soup. Oh, come now dear reader don't tell me you don't remember Hi Dad Soup! Curious, Mazur picked up the can and peered inside only to learn that I had written the words Vote Corbyn at the bottom of it. Now how could that be anything but a political statement?
 
There was a massive cave located at the back of the classroom which had named The Shining Caves. In a shining cave, you have to shine shoes for the teachers and their Dobermans. Shining Caves were common place in schools during the 1800's, but aren't really a thing anymore as a matter of fact Mr Old Worthy had the only remaining Shining Cave left in the whole entire universe. The Shining Cave was massive and went on for miles, and I ran through saving a pig from some worms who were carrying macs and AK's. I picked the pig up, and it smiled at me as it proclaimed, "you saved me!" I licked my lips as I shoved that pig inside my mouth, and ate it. Meanwhile, outside the Cave, Mr Mazur was about to walk on in when Fat Billy Nobair stopped him by saying, "it'll be dark in there! We'll need torches!" And so that's what they did, they grabbed a bunch of torches and began running into the Cave after me. At the very end of the cave, there is a fire exit and I made my way through said fire exit only to find myself now in the brand new parking lot which had been generously provided to my school by the good folks over at O'Hare Air. I darted through the parking lot, and I hid behind an old oak tree until I discovered that there was a restaurant across the street entitled Eat A Chilly. I headed inside, because according to the chalk board located outside the restaurant it only had one star and I highly doubt that any of my students or colleagues are going to dine there. Especially, since the place is right next door to a chippie and a laundrette which allegedly provides kickbacks to Kenny Petrovic. Once inside, I was ushered towards a table by the owner Big Daddy Hedgehog who used to be a major crime boss, but he lost his title when it was discovered that his acts of criminal intelligence were greatly exaggerated. From what I hear, the only crime Big Daddy Hedgehog had ever committed was robbing Beanie McGums from Mr Kelso's store. Big Daddy had always been Mr Kelso's favourite customer, so when Kelso learned that his number one cust was stealing from him well…well... this is what inspired him to start sending people to work in the salt mines. At one point in time, if you were caught stealing ole Kelso while he would be disappointed with you, he would share an ice cream with you, but not anymore.
 
I was quite hungry, but I was quite annoyed because for some odd reason even though there was plenty of tables available at the restaurant I had to share with an incredibly nervous man named Steven. He was incredibly jittery and he also couldn't keep still. He also revealed that he was wearing a wig, but he didn't care about the fact that my nose was the shape of a Turkish garden hose. Big Daddy Hedgehog placed a chilly dog right down on the plate in front of me, but before I could even dig some prison inmate stared at me and asked, "hey what's for tea tonight Puff Momma? Chilly?" I was about to leave, but I was held down by Big Daddy as Steven pulled his hair back revealing a small zipper. He unzipped the forehead and stripped down revealing it have been nothing more than an elaborate red herring. Matt Damon himself in the flesh stood above the make shift skin suit as he laughed, "oh you fool! You will never eat lunch in this town again!" It was then explained to me by Matt Damon that the real Steven had been killed a long time ago in anticipation for this very day. I attempted to make my leave, only for Big Daddy to pull a gun on me. I revealed myself to be carrying a handy dandy service revolver, and I aimed it at Matt Damon as I yelled, "back off aardvark boy! I wasn't born yesterday…yesterday... or the day before that…that... or the day before that…that... or oh you get the point!" "Do you really have to leave? For shame!" Matt Damon proclaimed evilly as he took the revolver out from my hands, and took a big ole bite of it. It wasn't a real revolver. I only lied so I would look cool. It was actually a gelatine revolver which I got in a combo pack with gelatine TMNT sweets, they are bloody nasty and the Donatello one is caked in salt. Also, Michelangelo looked deformed as his left eye was bulging and his tongue was black like pepper dots. I guess this time, Michelangelo was the one getting screwed eh Donnie? You know when you think about it, Donnie was kind of a lapdog for the other turtles.
 
Sorry I forgot we weren't talking about ninja turtles, I was eventually led outside by Matt Damon and his posse. A bald man with a freakishly large nose stood by a car and opened up the passenger side for me. While getting into the car, I ended up getting the last laugh as I squeezed that damn bald headed bastard's nose so hard that big red lines appeared on it. The man rubbed his beaky nose in pain as he cried, "oh my I got a very sore nosey!" Once inside the car, I was forced to sit next to an old Chinese man. I pointed at the man and asked, "and you are?" "This is our friend Mr Chu." Matt Damon said as he then explained that I was being taken to Industrial Park as it was about high time that I earned my wings. It became clear to me that Mrs Nobair was a friend of Damon's, and she had explained my prank on Old Worthy to him. Realising that I was quite capable of doing terrible things, Damon planned on making me the very first in his brand new cyborg army. He had recently purchased industrial Park in a joint venture with Cybus Industries, and he planned on making me a man or rather a cyborg as they say in Lake Destiny Idaho. I couldn't break free because I was lazy, but I felt trapped like an egg that desperately wants to sing to you but ends up getting a fry pan to the face. I finally decided to get proactive about the situation, and I tried to break free only to have the bald guy from earlier point a golden revolver at my head as he threatened me with, "don't you care close your eyes!" All I could do now is sit there helplessly as I get driven to whatever fate awaits for me over at Industrial Park. That's all I could really do as rain began to violently pour onto the car until it was soaked entirely. Yeah, that's how rain works.
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