Bill O Riley writes a clopfic: Difference between revisions
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{{JOKE}}
[[File:27841_r.jpg|thumb|214px]]isclaimer: Bill O’ Reilly is the sole owner of My Little Pony. He also wears shoes that cost more then you make in a month and has a lien on your mothers house.▼
Today is an average day, it’s almost closing time at your work place. You’re an assistant manager at a Costco superstore where you don’t do anything but sit around pushing paper and act like a dickhead because you have a type A personality and yell all the time. You get frustrated easily because you can’t get laid because you’re ugly. Almost all your employees hate you because you’re useless and play games on the computer in your office all day. Even the head store manager thinks you’re a scrawny limp wrist pile of dog s**t; he shook your hand once; your handshake is weak and clammy like a senile elderly woman, it disgusts him.▼
He immediately writes you off as a worthless human being. You only got the job because he plays golf with your dad who never spent time with you when you were a child. You hastily pack up your paper work in your man purse; unfortunately there is nothing manly about it. You’re angry again because your employee’s keep drawing pictures of you with a phallic symbol in your mouth on the bathroom stalls but your too spineless to do anything about it because you have the muscle tone of a 13 year old. You waste of life.▼
{{NSFW}}
You walk out to the parking lot and get in you brand new Toyota Tacoma pick up truck. You have no need for a truck because you’ve never worked a day in your life and you’re paying $500 a month at %18 interest because you didn’t read the contract. Idiot. But the truck makes you feel better about the lack of girth between your legs so you have it anyway.▼
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[[File:27841_r.jpg|right|250px]]
▲Today is an average day,
▲He immediately writes you off as a worthless human being. You only got the job because he plays golf with your dad who never spent time with you when you were a child. You hastily pack up your paper work in your man purse; unfortunately there is nothing manly about it.
▲You walk out to the parking lot and get in you brand new Toyota Tacoma pick up truck. You have no need for a truck because
As you pull out of the parking lot you turn your radio on. Your taste in music is almost as bad as Rick Perry at debating. You're listing to Dub Step as loud as your stock stereo can go and turn up the bass with out adjusting the treble like an asshole. Your truck vibrates the parking lot. It sounds like your truck is about to fall apart as the booming bass vibrates the cheap plastic panels in the interior. You think it makes you look cool so you roll all your windows down so people can see your nasty acne ridden face. The simple drum loop and obnoxious computer generated noises is easy for your simple mind to comprehend so it soothes your anger. Everybody in traffic around you hates you.
You pull out on the freeway and head to your
As you drive along you notice a small red Ford Fiesta tailgating you. You feel superior in your big truck so you give it a quick brake job. It swerves and screeches its brakes but you drive like
He
You wake up in a bright fresh smelling meadow and get to your feet. As you walk through the land you realize
You finally stumble into Ponyville. All the colorful ponies stare at you. You smell bad and your patchy attempt at a mustache creeps them out so they all avoid you. Across the way Lyra sits at a table sipping a hayshake while BonBon stands next to her.
"Yup"
Lyra
As you walk through the Market in Ponyville you notice Twilight Sparkle. She has just bought a dozen tomatoes and is packing them into her saddlebags when she notices you creeping on her.
You tear off your white button up shirt and drop to your knee and profess your love for her. On your left arm you have tattoo in some Asian language it means love or power or something queer like that, you
Just then Pinkie Pie burst out of the pile of tomatoes in the tomato cart. She is yielding a shiny brass tuba, she swings hard into your head. Your dome dents the
Pinkie Pie drops the tuba on the ground and hops down of the cart and lands on your face.
She pulls a single business card out of her mane with her hoof and tosses it toward Twilight. Twilight catches it with her magic and looks at it. A slow and deliberate staccato trumpet fanfare plays as she reads it.
Line 42 ⟶ 50:
In the center is a black Knight chess piece
Wire Pinkie Pie,
It reads.
Line 50 ⟶ 58:
Twilight watches as Pinkie rears up and whinnies, she gallops across the bonanza that is Equestria into the setting sun.
Have tuba will travel reads the card of a pony, a knight without armor in a savage land. Her fast tuba for hire
Just then Rainbow dash sweeps Twilight off her hooves and they begin to make out and they totally do it. I
You wake up again in a daze and find yourself hogtied before Princess Celestia in her castle. Twilight has filed a restraining order on you and you must stay 1000 feet away from her at all times you also
In the castle above you Twilight Sparkle and all her friends have a big roller-skate disco party and do a synchronized dance to
Outside the castle BonBon stands up to help Lyra climb through a small window on the foundation of the castle
Lyra squeezes through the window and hops down into the castle dungeon the cells are almost all empty but she finds yours easily by following your stench.
▲“I’m almost there.”
Her magical hold on the pistol pulls the trigger and she empties the clip of .
You wake up bolt upright in a hospital bed. You see humans again and realize it was all a dream. The doctors tell you that you need a big dose of
Your
Meanwhile Bill
▲Lyra squeezes through the window and hops down into the castle dungeon the cells are almost all empty but she finds yours easily by following your stench. You’re curled up in a fetal position weeping quietly to yourself in a corner of the cell when you notice a sea foam green unicorn in front of your cell. You get to you knees and beg for help. She just glares at you with angry eyes. She doesn’t say a word as her magic swiftly pulls a Colt Woodsman pistol from a black basket weave holster around her waist. It floats in front of her face as she takes aim.
▲Her magical hold on the pistol pulls the trigger and she empties the clip of .22’s into your chest. The silencer smokes as the bolt knocks back into the receiver creating a metallic slapping noise that echoes through the dungeon. You fall back in searing pain and stare at the dungeon ceiling as you bleed out from the small holes that pepper your chest. Everything gets dark and you pass out. God, you suck.
▲You wake up bolt upright in a hospital bed. You see humans again and realize it was all a dream. The doctors tell you that you need a big dose of “man the f**k up” and send you on your way. A week later you are found dead in your closet hanging from a noose. The police call it a suicide but you were too gutless to kill yourself. The truth is you died trying to choke yourself while you ran one up your flagpole.
▲Your mother’s Mexican maid finds your body with your junk still in your hand. She reaches in your pocket and pulls out your wallet and pockets two $20 bills before calling the police. No one comes to your funeral except your mother. No one misses you, not even your dog.
▲Meanwhile Bill O’Reilly arrives at an expensive Italian restaurant in a limo that cost’s more than your life. I order the most expensive thing on the menu and my bill is in the triple digits. I pay it with pocket change and don’t even leave a tip. Because I’m Bill O’Reilly.
▲For Keith Olbermann…you bastard.
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<i class=plainlinks>Originally posted on [http://www.fimfiction.net/story/27841/bill-oreilly-writes-a-2nd-person-clopfic FimFiction.net]</i>
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[[Category:Nsfw]]▼
[[Category:My little pony]]▼
[[Category:Bad Fanfiction]]
[[Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck]]
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