Speed Punks: The Lost Punk: Difference between revisions

When I was a kid in the late 90's, I was a HUGE PlayStation nerd. I was with it with Crash Bandicoot, Spyro, Final Fantasy, you name it! I wasn't a big fan of any of the platform's offerings concerning racing, though, like CTR or Disney Magical Race Tour.....until I played Speed Punks, that is.

For my 15th birthday in 2001, I was gifted the game by my granddad. At first, when I opened it up, I was a bit confused. He and I often liked to play PS1 games together whenever he came over to our place, and he knew what I liked and didn't like. He seemed to sense my bewilderment, though, and replied to it with, "I hand picked this one especially for you. I know it may not seem like much, but this one'll stick to ya. Trust me." I nodded and took his word. After the party that night, I popped in the disc in. I was ''blown away ''by how ''vibrant ''this game was, and how much ''personality ''was in it! A rebellious, kleptomaniac teen in goggles, a not-so-dynamic duo of bullies who beat up each other ''constantly'' (even in the podium animations!), a crazed Japanese exchange student with killer headgear--the list went on!

One evening, after a long day of work, I showered and got ready for some four-wheel speed action. The FunCom logo was hilarious as always, with Buster and Wedgie (the bullies I mentioned earlier) riding their kart around before Buster bumped into the FunCom logo and dropped Wedgie. Wedgie shook his head, and got up on his feet. He looked around for a bit, before running to catch up with his cohort. Just before he ran off screen, the screen glitched and froze red. Wedgie's foot also was displaced two inches farther than it should have been from his body (keep in mind all of the characters from SP are limbless a la Rayman).

Tempest was, presumably, in his house, with another character. He was smaller, had orange-ish hair in a neat comb-over. Tempest was sawing at something unseen to us, while the other character (his brother, perhaps?) quivered in fear. Tempest ceased his sawing and carried with him a dead rat and a wooden stake. Also giving him a hammer, he directed the orange-haired kid to beat the stake into the rat's heart. Orange-hair understandably refused, angering the psychotic rebel. Tempest ran and claimed his saw and closed in on the youngster, who was shaking and had even ''pissed ''himself, before the intro...ended, fading to black.

I was thoroughly enjoying this. Demented as it was, it was nevertheless accurate to the tone of the game--off the walls and peppered with bits of suggestive humor. A loading screen showed up, and when it finished I was brought to the main menu. I selected ''Tournament ''and scrolled around the character select screen to see if anything had changed--I wanted to see if that orange-haired fellow would show up.

That last one was what kinda got me uneasy. Nevertheless, Tempest was the one I chose, for I knew that perhaps, if the game changed even more, he'd produce great results. "Alright, GOOD!" he said, playing his guitar like a saw. I opted to make my own league using the 'Custom League' feature, and began the tournament.

Tempest was now in hell. He looked around him, walking up a cross with the orange-haired kid nailed to it. "Borther...f**K you." The kid cired, and his tears splashed to the ground. "No, no, no! Mama told you not to do this, Mama said ''no!!''"

"No, no! Why didn't you listen to ''Mama?! ''" Tempest's brother sobbed uncontrollably.

"''Mama ain't here right now...now...now you've got '''ME.'''''"

Tempest pulled out his hacksaw and jumped the cross, his brother yelling loudly before my PS1 sparked and caught aflame. I jumped and ran to my basement to grab my extinguisher. Grabbing it ran even faster back to my room and put out the admittedly small fire. I wiped my sweat-laden brow when I managed to kill off off the flames.

I was understandably upset by what had happened. My PlayStation was now a melted, steaming, ruined piece of junk. I...I had to go outside for a bit to think over this. I made myself a drink and stepped outside to my backyard patio. Gazing up at the shimmering stars, the thoughts of Tempest's brother and his place in the SP universe swirled and slashed in my head.

Tempesto appeared on screen and danced the jitterbug. I dismissed him and raced my way to my custom league and selected Tempest. I drove through the pickup box and laid down some mucu-poo, and landed Tempest in the water. He, as I had hoped, drove slowly to the entrance to hell. I rose my cross and chanted my favorite bible verse, "Thou shall not kill!" and watched as several angels descended from the fiery sky.

I was relieved. Tempest's bro would be saved from Satan's grasp! The angels freed him and he hugged the lord as he came down from his land. "T-t-thank you...God." God chuckled and said, "You're welcome, little one. Now you can return to your mother back on Earth. He directed the young one to a pad with the star of David on it, and the kid complied. He ran to it and as he began to fade and transport back to earth, he waved and said his goodbyes. "Goodbye, God!"