Step By Step: A Lost Episode: Difference between revisions
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{{Note credit|This story was written by DaveTheUseless, after a night of witty banter with the mysterious doesntmatter, who contributed some beautiful ideas that got incorporated into this majestic writing.}}
Hey, bitch. Yeah, you. Do my laundry. Whore.
Does anyone remember Step by Step? I bet you
As for me, I work for the government.
The episode began with middle-aged chest hair television father Patrick Duffy walking in from work drunk. The audience clapped, though from the muffled mouth noises
Every week, Patrick Duffy would try to fuck his wife, but he would get his dick stuck in a Chinese finger trap that they used as a sex toy. Fact of the matter is, the
Now, I know
His head was where his
In his pants.
Patrick Duffy unzipped his pants and Boner popped out. He just kind of… fell out, onto the floor, covered in some sort of sticky substance.
I rummaged through the kitchen cabinets, disheveled. As a Caucasian man who secretly wishes he was a girl, I had a lot of Nutella, but right now only the crunchy crunch of Orville Reddenbacher could satisfy. I reached for a bag and forgot to remove the wrapping, plopping it into the microwave and tapping the keys in anger to 3 minutes and 14 seconds.
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Now, I hate to let you in on this, but I belched and I farted and I nearly obscured the sound of something that would have saved my life. I was stuck in a reverie about the time I unzipped my own pants and inseminated my high school sweetheart, Isabelle. Just kidding, I was an involuntary virgin. I was once married, though. A married stepfather.
I frantically pried open the microwave door with my fingers and an expired credit card. The popcorn was only halfway popped, but I
Wait a minute. Patrick Duffy. The Duffmeister. Duffy. He suddenly… he suddenly had the beak of daffy duck. What the fuck, duck! This
His wife screamed at the cartoon beak and threw her shoe at him.
Anyway, this episode was fucking awful so I got off my ass and turned it off by pressing the power button. Just kidding, I yanked the coax cables and electrocuted myself. Highly realistic gore, blood, and tiny pieces of bone flew everywhere, and also my hairpiece was fried ashen.
Once I regained my composure I did the only thing I could do. I went into my bedroom, and reached for the good book. The book that came with the VHS tape. A little black book that had gotten dusty from years of not being cracked open. I wheezed in the dust and blew so that I could read the title. It was in size 45 Times New Roman blue italicized subscript.
But some things in life
I went to grab my pussy but I tripped and fell and banged my head. A crimson stain squirted out and got into the VHS player so I ran over to the fucker and tried to yank the tape out. Unfortunately it reminded me of the intercourse I never had so I kept pulling it back and forth and forth and back groaning and like a pulley and a fulcrum the sheer pressure of the physical action knocked me backwards, through my sliding patio door and I flew off the side railing to a 12-story death.
60 years passed and I was about to retire when I heard a tapping at my chamber door. My office door.
by step.
Well,
It was. It was…
We went on like this for fifteen miles. I
I opened my eyes to the sight of my soon-to-be-demise. Springfield Gorge.
Patrick Duffy slid me a skateboard.
You know,
The end.
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