Super Mario 64 secret beta cartridge: Difference between revisions

I once purchased a Super Mario 64 cartridge online from a man who claimed to be one of the beta testers for the game. He didn't tell me his real name, but his username was arnold9812. So I could assume his name must be Arnold. Now, Arnold told me that the game is in pristine condition and had only been played once. When I asked for details he sounded rather hasty and kept telling me the same thing over and over again. Besides that, it was only 5 bucks, and for any game collector, a beta cartridge of a game cost much more to them than 5 bucks.

 

I agreed to buy it, used my PayPal card, and I tried Emailing him back to ask a couple more questions, but he never contacted me back. I didn't know what to think about that, but one week later I recieved the cartridge. When I opened the box, a strong smell of iron wafted out. And for some reason it wasn't wrapped in bubble wrap, it was wrapped in sandpaper. The sandpaper had reddish-brown stains on it. 

 

 

I was cracking up, but as soon as I popped the cartridge in, I stopped laughing.

 

Mario was controlling himself, because I hadn't even picked the controller up, I just watched in terror, wondering what was going to happen next. I was slightly relieved to see that Mario was outside of the Princess's castle, very normal looking. But there were no birds chirping, no water running, just Mario's footsteps. As soon as Mario stepped foot on the moat bridge leading to the front door, I heard a woman scream loudly and the whole roof of the castle blasted off and Princess Peach's severed corpse flew out, landing on top of Mario. In an instant, Mario's health meter was down to one red piece, and Mario started running away after he got up, and the princess was levitating after him, getting faster with each moment, and Mario couldn't escape her. The princess opened her mouth, revealing mega realistic teeth and a mouth that scared the hell out of me. She ate him. The power bar was gone.

 

Slowly the game world melted, and it looked as if it were reduced to liquid. It faded to black and I saw Mario falling through a nasty looking brown tunnel. He was badly cut and mutilated, and it looked so real that I almost threw up. He hit solid ground and he appeared to be in some kind of cave, surrounded by a multitude of things that I cannot name, because they were so glitchy I couldn't tell what they were. The Hazy Maze theme was reversed and sounded as if it were only coming out of one speaker. The things started swarming in on Mario's body and I didn't see what was happening. But as the things moved away there was writing made up entirely of bloody Mario pieces. "YOU'RE NEXT"

 

The demonic voice said "TOO BAD!" and the princess popped up and she kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger until she filled the whole screen. The camera kept zooming outward to show how big she was getting.

 

Then the princess floated towards the screen with blood on her mouth. Hyper realistic blood. When her face got close to the screen, it went static as if I had turned the game off, but a minute later I saw her face coming out of my TV, and she was a real person, but she had green, flaky skin and looked as if she had decayed underwater.

 

"I'll be back for you!" She said in her demonic voice. That must have been who's voice that was I kept hearing. I sat there in horror, and when I stood up my legs felt like Jell-O.

 

Every time I've played another game on the N64, I keep seeing Princess Peach from Super Mario 64. I played Goldeneye 007 and Princess Peach popped up with two rocket launchers and killed me in an instant. I played Donkey Kong 64 and she showed her ugly face and ripped Donkey Kong's nuts off as it squirted blood everywhere. Every game I play, she always makes an appearance. That game must have screwed up my N64.

I wheeled around and stared into Arnold's face. How did I know it was Arnold? Because of his name-tag on his jumpsuit. It all became clear to me now as I stared at his bloody axe. He must be a serial killer!

 

 

"HERE'S ARNIE!"

 

Funny, I think I hear something behind me...

[[Category:Satire]]

[[Category:Mario]]

[[Category:Cliche Madness]]

[[Category:Well, that was anticlimactic.]]

[[Category:SUPR SKAREY IMAG]]

[[Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck]]