THE TURTLE PROBLEM: Difference between revisions
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I was busy sticking pencils in all my orifices because I wanted to set a new world record (the one with the sweat glands wasn't working so well) when I got hungry. So decided to interrupt my record attempt and make me a veggie sandwich as my parents couldn't cook for me because they were gone for the weekend. As I slapped my bread in my face, my gaze wandered around the room and got caught on the ugly terrarium of my fat turtle Bernard, somehow something was missing. After a few more bread-in-your-face slaps, I remembered what was missing... BERNARD WAS NO LONGER THERE! dam dam dam daaaaaaaaaaam! I looked around the house even next to my lesbian toaster, because Bernard was actually a female, which I only noticed too late. The only thing I haven't looked in was the bathroom is because I didn't expect him to practice swimming there, much less that he would practice in the toilet. He had only casually expressed this wish a few days ago, which is why I didn't take it seriously. When I finally found him in the bathroom, I was happy to see him/her at first, but when I tried to get him out of the toilet bowl I just couldn't manage it, he was stuck.
So we're back in the present. And don't say I didn't try, on the contrary! I started with the plunger, but unfortunately the only result was that Bernard got a facial orgasm and got sucked deeper and deeper into the bowl. So I upgraded to the more practical version of the plunger, the uber-mega-guaranteed-to-kill-circular-saw-OF-DEATHHHHHHH. A lightyear later as I brought
''They see me rollin', hatin', controllin', trying to catch me ridin' dirty, trying to catch me ridin' dirty''
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