The 4th of July Killer: Difference between revisions
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This is the tale of the maniac that terrorized my home city. Myself, or as I have become known in the media, "The 4th of July killer".
Like all good stories, we need to start at the beggining. It was around summer. While most young adults my age were hanging out with friends I was sitting in my room, browsing the primitive interwebs because I had no friends because I was being such a pretentious cunt. After finding a shitload of porn that
Me being a fucking
So I needed to dress as the iconic american president George Bush.My weapon of choice? Fire crackers. How fitting since George Bush is known for blowing buildings up. So I went to the fucking store and what do you fucking know, they didnt sell the powerful shit that could kill someone to kids.Fucking American laws, now I was fucking determined to tarnish the day this piece of shit fucking country was founded.So I went to my cousin that lived in a trailer park to see if he had something to sell. That fucking asshole was expecting me to pay him actual money to buy the firecrackers. What the fuck, why would he do that to his own fucking relative. This capitalistic system had to go down.
So after asking my dad for money and him telling me to get a fucking job I bought the firecrackers.He told me "be careful not to blow your fingers off you fucking
That party was one of the most annoying experiences of my fucking life. Annoying fucking kids screaming and shit music was playing. It was about 3AM that my bitching got my family to drive back home. They asked us to sleep the night there and go in the morning but my dad said that he had enough of me crying.So we got home at about 5AM. My parents went to sleep. It was go time now.
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I spray painted my hair white and put on the suit, posted a thread on /r9k/ about how I'll become an hero and then packed the fireworks. As I went outside I realized something. I didnt have any matches. So I went to the local store and what do you know, it didnt open until 8AM. After waiting until almost 10AM I realized it was closed that day because it was a holiday.
I went over to the minimarket that was open 24/7. As I walked in I was met with a bunch of awkward stares.I had the fucking George Bush suit on.I waited in
I got back home and decided to take a nap because i hadnt slept in about 2 days because of all the preparations.After i woke up at like 11PM I realized i was fucked.I ditched the plan and decided to just turn the neighborhood into Iraq. I went to my neightbors house who was an old couple and knocked on the door. After realizing old people went to sleep at about 6PM I tried breaking the door down but couldnt because I was weak as shit. The old man then opened the door and sitting there with a shotgun told me to fuck off before he called the cops. I backed out and threw a firework at him but it bounced off the wall and hit a nearby car. They were calling the cops now.
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I ran back into my house and pondered what to do. I heard knocks at the door. It was the police. As I was prepering my stand off with the police I lit a firework but my dad answered the door and let the police into the home. That was when I decided that the police werent going to take me alive, it was time to live as a fugitive. I jumped out the window and prepered my next move. I would've started crying because I cut myself if it werent for the euphoria I was experiencing. I finally felt alive. The police dog barking woke me back to reality. That was when the realization hit me and a sudden pain hit me. I hadnt thrown the firework.
As I looked to my hand I saw that the firework had blown my fucking fingers off, blood was everywhere on my blue George
After an embarassing mug shot session while still dressed as George Bush I was charged with vandalism and had to do community service. My dad told me to either get a job move out of the house.That's how I became a janitor. You wanna know what the worst part was? It wasnt losing 2 fingers, needing face reconstruction surgery or having to clean kiddy vomit for a living. It was just how much the media mocked me in the news. The "4th of july killer". The whole city knows me as that, even the kids at the school I clean up.
To this day my dad brings that up everytime around the 4th of July, and everytime I try to pick something up with my right hand I drop it.
[[Category:Trollpasta]]
[[Category:Holidays]]
[[Category:Excessive Profanity]]
[[Category:Stupid is as the main character does]]
[[Category:English Class Failure]]
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