The Giving Tree Lost Book: Difference between revisions
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Hello. I am a Priest and my name is Father Chewsthefat. I don't use condoms because of my religion so I have three sons. Of my three sons the two are older and have gone to college and converted to Mormonism and I couldn't give less of a fuck about them anymore, but as for my youngest I teach him in the ways of the faith. Assuring that his upbringing goes the way it should I made sure that his mother and I (we hate each other, we're only still together because the church forbids divorce) read him a copy of The Giving Tree every single night before going to bed. However, kids these days are too 'cool' to read paper books so I bought a copy of The Giving Tree from the local Publix that I now use as compost to keep the flies away from our outhouse. The electronic version did the trick, and besides it's less tithing money put to use if I just steal shit off the internet, anyway.
"Once there was a
"Anyway." I skipped some pages to get right to the point. "The boy went to the tree and asked for money but the tree had no money so he sold her apples for money. Then
That night, I went outside to use the outhouse and I was followed by some flies. I smelled my armpits and realized the scent of shit had gotten all over me. I went back inside to take a shower and my bowels were uncontrollable and I took a massive dump in the tub. I kept shitting and shitting and shitting until I passed out.
When I woke up I was in the emergency room and the doctor stared down at me, smiling menacingly. "I cannot operate on this man.", the doctor proclaimed. Oh, no. All I could make out were his razor-like incisors. They did seem a tad discolored.
The man proceeded to pull down his pants and take a massive shit and piss all over my face while I let out a muffled scream for help. I realized I had a chance of winning a fight because he had stumps for arms and legs, so I jolted right out of bed and engaged in combat stance after clearly wiping the feces and urine off of my face. I could see him clearly
The doctor was me. I had suffered psychosis from giving all of myself to the priesthood forty years ago.
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