The LambSauce Wars: BeastMode: Difference between revisions
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Only this time I didn't splooge muh jammie bottoms. I had that dream again. The dream about that fucking room. The blood and bone and flesh strewn about, the hooks, the pictures, and that fucking woman. Tied to the bed, naked, missing teeth, missing fingers and toes, and her arms and legs twisted like they were goddamn twizzlers. And the smell, that damn smell, I haven't been able to count change since that day, the smell of pennies reminds me of the blood. I got up, put on my night fedora, grabbed my emergency blunt. And walked outside to ponder what to do with myself. I don't know why the girl had been getting under my skin so much recently. It had been over a year since we crossed over into their world. I mean shit, they didn't even look like us.
I snickered "they sure as shit bled like us." I have really turned numb recently. And not just from being edgy, like legit, PTSD numb. When I rescued Gordon all those years ago, I didn't expect to be carrying bodies out of basements. It wasn't what I had signed up to do. After I finished my blunt I thought to myself and finally
"NO NO NO NO NOOOOO" Gordon screamed. "I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL TURN YOU INTO FUCKING SHITE." The monks scrambled around the temple grabbing ingredients while wearing blue and red uniforms. Gordon knew the purity of the previous batch of sacred sauce would be near impossible to match, but he was sure as shit gonna try. He watched as the monks ran about mixing. Until finally...a group of monks walked up to him with sauce. They got on their knees, bowed their heads, and raised the sauce up for Gordon to judge. Gordon slowly took the sauce from the head monks hands. Dipped his fingers in it, and shoved his finger right up his asshole. He tasted the sauce with his prostate, and was pleased.
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"It doesn't hold a candle to the Original sauce, but it'll work, EVERYONE ON THE OPPOSING TEAMS GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY GODDAMN TEMPLE. MOOOOOOOVE" Gordon took out his sauce necklace, the same one he used to resurrect Keem, and filled it back up.
"Here, take this to the chamber, and fucking lock it this time." the monks did as they were told and scurried on. Gordon sat in the main chamber and looked out the window to the storm gathering in the distance. The air had a certain electricity, Gordon could feel
==Part 2==
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Gordon knew something was wrong. He called all the monks to the main chamber. It didn't take long for Gordon's suspicions be proven true. The storm was much closer, and in a massive flash of lightning, a figure came from the skies. Gordon couldn't see the entity's details, but he could tell it wasn't the soy-ridden fuck he's tangled with in the past. He ordered the monks behind him as the figure touched down. Finally, the figure stepped out from the bolts of lightning. The figure was massive, and thicc as fuk. He hawt muscles protruded from his t-shirt that was 2 sizes too small. His arms were covered in pressure bands, his long hair peeking out from his backwards hat. And perhaps the most terrifying of all...was his thick, flowing, beard. Gordon stepped back, but was determined to defend the temple and the freshly made sauce. The man took a step forward and spoke:
"
"WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK UP YOUR GAY BOLT OF LIGHTNING AND FUCK OFF" Gordon yelled over the storm.
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"Gordon, I like you, I think you're a pretty cool dude. But if you don't step out of the way and let me get the sauce, then I'm gonna have to move you myself."
Gordon was more than intimidated by
"Go fuck yourself" he screamed and summoned his most powerful spell.
"CUMMY CUMMY YUUUUUM" Gordon screamed as a massive blast of ethereal sauce launched straight at the LA Beast.
"Amateur" Beast remarked and caught the blast in his hand..his bare fucking hand. And launched it right back at Gordon. Gordon's eyes grew wide as he was engulfed by his own spell. He screamed as he was torn apart by the blast, and once the attack had
"Weakling" Beast remarked to the empty temple. But he wasn't alone. At the door of the temple stood a frozen raiden, brought down to his knees by the sight of his master being turned to nothing. He got back to his feet, pulled out a massive attack dildo from his tactical MLP backpack, and charged. Beast knew he was there the entire time, and dodged the brutal dildo attack, spun around, and got Raiden by the throat and picked the fuck off the ground by his throat. Raiden kicked his feet trying to find the ground, but the Beast's grasp was solid. He finally choked out a single phrase. "F-fuck you.." Raiden managed to say. Beats laughed in his face and drew back his pepsi powered fist. The LA beast had his own final phrase.
"Thanks for watching me assfuck your master. Have a good
The LambSauce was his for the taking. The LA Beast made his way through the empty temple to the room hidden in the chambers below. Finally, he found the lockbox that held the sauce. Beast.
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"GET THE FUCK OFF ME YOU FUCKING DUMBASS." he screamed before realizing where he was.
"Oh
"What?" I said
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"I assumed it was another sex torture basement."
"No you
"I thought hell was supposed to hurt."
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"Now that you bring it up, Raiden, you're right. We must really be dead. Speaking of, how did you end up dead?" Gordon asked
"Well, I was gonna tell you that I
I didn't wanna tell Gordon I wanted to quit
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"..if?" I asked
"Yeah,
"From what the scriptures said. Hell is a bit like Dante's version of hell. Layered. The top isn't that bad, but the deeper you go, the worse it gets. Lucky for us, we were placed in the "waiting room" for Hell, at the very tiptop. However, for us to get out, we gotta journey through all the layers all the way to the bottom. But lucky for us I got this
Gordon looked down to his sauce necklace only to see that the scepter was broken, and all the sauce had leaked out. He sighed, but steeled himself.
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Keem snarled, but knew he was in no room to negotiate.
"
LA Beast raised his hand palm up, and in a small bolt of lightning the bottle was resting in his hand. He could tell that Keem was desperate for the sauce. But just as he started pouring Keemstar's cut. A powerful vision came to him. It was Gordon, alive,
"Hey beast" Keem said.
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"AAAAAAH WHAT THE FUCK YOU GODDAMN BACKWARDS HIPSTER CUNT YOU GOT ME RIGHT IN THE GODDAMN FUCKING EYE!!!"
The girl stuck her head out of the cave entrance. "Do...do I know you? I feel like I've met you before. Sorry about your eye, that looks like it fucking hurts. God that's
The girl then pulled out some piece of shit camera from the fucking wild west days and took a close up of my destroyed eye. "Nice" she said and stowed the picture away.
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"Now you. I must say, you look a whole lot better than the last time I saw you. Having teeth will do that to a person. First of all, what's your name, what's your age, and what's the last thing you remember before ending up here.
"
I looked to Gordon "My lucky number." I said triumphantly
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"Shut the fuck up." Gordon said then looking to Max "continue"
Max continued. "I remember...hurting. Everything hurting. I remember barely being able to speak. I remember eating berries and the pain going away. I
"The blue haired girl" Gordon spoke up
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"No...she's in real hell. The hell that really fucking hurts. Turns out all hipsters get sent to hell, but they inflict pain on eachother. But yeah, she screwed up and is being gnawed on by harpies" "
"
"That it is, but it sounds like we can't help her anymore. But we might be able to help you. We need to get out of Hell, but without someone who knows the layout of the land we're as good as blind. If you help us reach the bottom
Max shivered "the bottom layer is for the worst of the worst, why go through all that when you can stay up here in relative comfort as far as Hell is concerned?"
"Because...there's shit going down back on Earth. If we don't get back, Earth is as good as
"Will you do it?" I asked
Max appeared to ponder the question then spoke: "I
"Lead the way" Gordon said and we made our way through the massive brawl. Until finally we reached the gate to the second layer. I had no telling what was in store for us, but I got a feeling Max had a pretty good idea. Her whole body seemed to shake. I took her by the hand and her shaking seemed to go down just a bit. She held my hand in an iron grip. Little did she know I was using my other hand to jerk off since it was the first time I had touched a qt3.14 that was alive. You really think I'd do some gay romantic shit like that and not be busy jerkin muh gherkin
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"What is it?" Gordon asked
"There's another
"There is? Is it easier than going through all the layers of hell?" I asked
"Very much so...
"But what? BUT WHAT!" Gordon asked impatiently
"It'll cost
I perked up "OH I GET IT. THIS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS WHERE YOU GET SOMETHING BUT IT COSTS YOUR SOUL"
"Pretty
Gordon stood there weighing the pros and cons of each.
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Gordon spoke up: "We want to make a deal"
"
"Unfinished business" Gordon said'
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It pointed to Gordon last
"But
Gordon steeled his heart and spoke to the being "Us three are sent back to Earth and you give me the power needed to defeat the Beast."
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"Well, then my soul stays with me" Gordon said
"WAIT
"What?" I asked her
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"An invitation" Gordon said with confidence
Beast was busy eating a meal of cacti and pussy when he received the message.
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He reached up to the sky and teleported in a bolt of lightning
"Ready yourself, Raiden. I can sense him coming" Gordon said
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Beast laughed "I TURNED YOUR ASS INTO NOTHING WITHOUT LAMBSAUCE, NOW THAT I HAVE IT. I WILL END YOU IN HALF THE TIME. SPEAKING OF, SHOUTOUT TO YOUR BOY KEEM FOR TELLING ME WHERE YOU KEPT YOUR LAMBSAUCE. DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM THOUGH, HE TRIED TO BACKSTAB ME TOO, BUT HIS STUPID ASS COULDN'T HANDLE THE POWER OF THE LAMBSAUCE AND ENDED UP BURNING HIMSELF ALIVE"
Gordon smirked "FUCK DANIEL-SAN. FUCK THE LAMBSAUCE. IT'S JUST
With that the LA Beast flew at Gordon at inhuman speeds. He threw a superpowered left hook, but Gordon ducked just in time and got him right in the jaw with his own hook. The LA Beast, now enraged sparta kicked Gordon right in the chest, sending him through a temple wall, but Gordon picked up a piece of rock and chucked it so fast it broke the sound barrier. It hit beast right in the face, shattering his nose. Both now weakened, were reduced to wrestling eachother. But Beast, simply stronger than Gordon, picked him up above his head and dropped gordon right onto his knee. I cringed as I heard a cracking sound. The beast then threw Gordon right in my direction.
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"YOU LITTLE FUCKER" he yelled and blindly charged. I stabbed forward, but he caught my arm and broke it at the elbow like it was nothing. I lost my grip of the knife and fell to the ground in agony. Beast laughed and started beating on my face. Over and over his massive fists colliding with my face. I felt my nose break, I felt my jaw unhinge, I felt teeth pooling at the back of my throat. Until finally he stopped.
"Like your master...weak...and pathetic." He then started to perform a spell. The same spell Gordon had used on Mr. Jefferson, the same spell that Beast had turned back on Gordon. I dragged my broken body towards the knife. Beast laughed as I rolled back over knife in hand. He then sent the spell right towards me. I was finished, I held the knife up in one absolute last ditch effort that I was sure would fail, only it didn'
I somehow got to my feet and made my way towards him while stumbling from the sheer agony. I finally got to Beast, who was somehow still alive.
"Have a good
Beast muscled out a laugh. He then raised his blackened hands and made two finger pistols at me
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The Beast was dead.
I limped my way back to Gordon. He was alive but barely breathing. I tried my best to carry him, but my body was simply too broken. Someone eventually found us and we were rushed to the hospital, where we eventually recovered. Once we got out we agreed to meet at the temple.
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The Cemetery
I was wearing my ceremonial fedora and trenchcoat, along with my favorite eyepatch. I just wanted to visit
"I'm sorry." I said, and pulled out my golden deagle. I loaded a single round and put the barrel in my mouth. I savored the taste of the gunmetal while I looked up into the blue sky one last time. Just before I pulled the trigger I pulled the barrel out of my mouth and the bullet whizzed right by my head, giving me tinnitus and a headache. I doubled over and began to sweat and pant heavily. Then I heard a voice.
"That's
I knew that voice. That fucking voice.
"It's been a long
I slowly got up to my feet to take a look at the man. His once blonde hair was grey and slicked back. His face was sporting a full fledged beard, and he was wearing a light brown trench coat. To his right was a disfigured man in a wheelchair.
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I saw he had a weapon. I never knew the man to use guns, but I wasn't gonna take a chance. I quickly loaded a full magazine into my degale and took aim. Gordon, unphased, slowly walked towards me, and aimed the rifle. I unclicked the safety and prepared to fire. Gordon then dropped the rifle back down, I did the same. Then he once again brought it up. Only this time he let go of the rifle. I watched the rifle fall to the ground, but he took advantage of my momentary lack of attention and quickly locked me in a hold, my pistol hanging down by my side. He was almost hugging me. He then whispered in my ear
"Let it go,
"Or should I call you...saucerer"
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"And live" he said as he disengaged the magazine and removed the bullet in the chamber. He then dropped the pistol to the cold ground alongside his rifle.
"It all began with a bunch of old fools...Now, they've all passed away. Their era of folly is over. I'm the only one left and
I couldn't help but ask: "How can you still be alive?"
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"Did Daniel-san really hate me...or did he fear me?"
"
Once Keem was finished, Gordon continued.
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"And so, our goal was to erase zero. Even the mighty lamb sauce began with a single ingredient. That one ingredient became full fledged sauce, and we realized too late we had created a beast." Gordon looked to Keem
"His
As the music got louder Gordon reached down and turned off the oxygen connected to Keems life support. Keem groaned and started to struggle as his breaths grew more and more ragged. Gordon reached around and embraced him as his oxygen ran
I spoke up
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Gordon began crawling towards a gravestone. He tried to get up to his feet, but fell again.
"Do me a favor, will
"Am I going to die?"
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While his words resonated inside me Gordon tried to get back up. I helped him to his feet, and he continued his monologue
"I never thought of you as a son, but I've always respected
"
Gordon let go of me and fell on all fours in front of her grave, much like the way I was before he showed up.
"Max...you were right. It's not about changing the world, it's about doing our best to leave the world...that way it
I was pretty sure she died because she sent her teacher a picture of her shit, but I wasn't gonna tell Gordon that. Dementia is a bitch.
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Gordon released and barely kept his balance
"It's almost time for me to go, and with me the last ember of this fruitless war dies out. And at last, all those old evils will be gone. Once the source of evil returns to zero. A new one, a new future, will be born. That new world, is yours to live in. Not as a
Gordon reached out to give me a handshake. I hesitated, but reached my hand out to meet his. Just as we were about to shake he clenched his stomach and fell to the ground in pain, but luckily I caught him. The fucker still wasn't done talking.
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Gordon tried to get back up, but slumped back onto her gravestone.
"But
"Forget about me, Raiden."
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A single tear strolled down his face as he turned toward Max's gravestone.
"Max...you only need one bottle of LambSauce.
"The world would be better off without LambSauce."
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