The Lost Episode of The Price Is Right: Difference between revisions
The Lost Episode of The Price Is Right (view source)
Revision as of 22:49, 22 August 2023
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(Created page with "{{Note credit|This is a fictional joke story written by DaveTheUseless. Don't take it seriously, fellas.}} Hello there, neighbor. I appreciate you allowing me to come into your home, and tell you this story. Fact of the matter is that I used to do that without asking, but I’ve been thinking that I want a fresh start at life. This thought didn’t just come to me randomly, of course. It came from the small screen… I used to work as one of those guys who picks cans u...") |
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{{Note credit|This is a fictional joke story written by DaveTheUseless. Don't take it seriously, fellas.}}
Hello there, neighbor. I appreciate you allowing me to come into your home, and tell you this story. Fact of the matter is that I used to do that without asking, but
I used to work as one of those guys who picks cans up off the road by using sticks so that I
So, I did it. I tossed my stick into the woods and fostered an appetite for vintage fructose. This was a once-in-a-lifetime event! I could tell all of my friends! All of the talking heads on TV! I popped the tab, singing Fleetwood Mac to myself and the forest animals before slurping my first sips…
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I hitchhiked my way home as I always do. That was when the real adventure began…
The guy who drove me home had pasty white skin. Said his name was Jeff. Thought I knew him from high school, but he said he
I was scared.
When
Despite my trucker
After counting sheep and masturbating failed, I decided to turn on the TV. There was an infomercial for a cleaning substance that tasted like hot pockets and would give you directions if you used it like a GPS. This sounded pretty useful, and I was too fat to get up, so I left it on.
At this point, I fell asleep. But then I woke up again five minutes later, so that
I
You know, they never really explained what
At that point, I guess Bob Barker got across whatever his message was, because the show continued as normal. It was that part in which they pull contestants from the audience, but the way they went about doing it this time was… strange.
A few seconds elapsed while Barker put away the index card he was reading off of and the Jeopardy write-in answer music played. Strange, but I guess it was innocuous. …Right?
Barker…Barker shook his head.
He smiled. Really wide. A chill went down my spine. I was scared, for real this time. Bob Barker smiled.
I felt a sudden burst of energy, presumably from the Crystal Pepsi that I had drank earlier. I got up to check the mail, which is quite possibly one of my favorite life hobbies. Taxes. Credit card offers. Letters from my Mormon neighbor who had moved away years ago because I told him I had pissed on the golden plates of Joseph Smith. You know: the usual.
Or so it was, until I opened up the final envelope that was in the box. It was from the cable company, and they were pissed that I tried paying them in gum, because I saw people try that on a Trident layers commercial, and it worked.
Hmm. That sounded inconvenient. At the same time, I never gave into terrorists. I crumbled up the note and threw it down the sewer shaft outside of my house. Maybe Michelangelo could put it on a pizza, or something.
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When I went back to rejoin the program in process, the screen was pitch black, but there was clear audio.
There were all sorts of terrifying screams!
Suddenly, the lights went back on, but what was now going on at the studio was…well, it was weird. Highly realistic blood, guts and bones were spilled all over the studio floor, and there was only one member in the studio audience now…. It was a skeleton in a top hat! It took out a vaudeville style cane + it started to sing!
When
You might think
The world can see through all of your shit!
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The only viewer of this show is you
So
That sandwich was your final meal!
… Sandwich? This had to be some sort of coincidence. But then Mr. Crossbones opened up his drymouthed trap again.
I was scared. So…so scared. I grasped my copy of L. Ron
I tried bargaining with the TV set. I got no response. I tried communicating with it using my telepathic powers. Nothing. For whatever reason, the Lost Episode of The Price is Right was now ignoring me. Perhaps it felt that I should have known exactly what it was that I did wrong.
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I took a bite into a crunchy gordita wrap that had been sitting there for days, and continued watching the episode. It was on the actual game show part of it, now.
There were three contestants. There was a little person. His name tag read
Oh, my lucky stars! It was Jeff!
Drew… Carey!?
The…Price.
Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. Instead of something fancy or cool like a mini-bar or a home entertainment set, it was…
Drew shook his head.
What a terrible thing to say!! I was so offended that I wanted to write the station a letter of complaint, but then I remembered that this
I wondered if Drew was going to force Bilbo into a pit like Bob had done to the blonde-haired woman from earlier. Or would it be the cocksucking yeti? To my surprise, it was neither.
Bilbo expanded. He expanded into a giant. A Giant, gray-skinned creature with giant bug eyes.
Then he walked off the set. I thought it was pretty chill of him to take the high road instead of go all violent on them.
At this point, I was glad that the episode was almost over. I remembered that real life Jeff had told me to get 6-8 hours of sleep tonight, and I agreed. I got myself some bacon-flavored ritz crackers (because bacon is awesome) and returned in time for the commercial break to end.
Huh? What in the world did that mean? Well, whatever. I turned the TV off and hopped into my beanbag chair bed. I closed my eyes + drifted off to sleep.
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I… I had the most vivid dream. Everything was on fire. Grassy fields, hills, mountains, beaches. People were set on fire. Others were lifted into the heavens. Angels blew trumpets from all four corners of the world. Oceans drained. The world was turning into a desert, now.
Suddenly, I saw two white wings flapping from the sky. No—it
I woke up in a hospital bed. I felt a couple pounds lighter. I stared down and shrieked in horror! Behind the bloody bandages…
My dick! It had been cut off! I would have to live out the rest of my days as a eunuch! As if to haunt me, a sexy blonde-haired nurse walked in to take care of me. She ripped off my bandages.
Life without a pecker has been interesting.
Years later, I went ack to my old job. I was picking up used condom wrappers off the side of the road when I heard a scream, and the sound of a pick-up trucking on by. By the time I turned around, I was greeted by a girl my age, wearing a Pepsi cola t-shirt.
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