The Lost Episode of The Price Is Right: Difference between revisions
The Lost Episode of The Price Is Right (view source)
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{{Note credit|This is a fictional joke story written by DaveTheUseless. Don't take it seriously, fellas.}}
Hello there, neighbor. I appreciate you allowing me to come into your home, and tell you this story. Fact of the matter is that I used to do that without asking, but I've been thinking that I want a fresh start at life. This thought didn't just come to me randomly, of course. It came from the small
I used to work as one of those guys who picks cans up off the road by using sticks so that I don't get leprosy from the germs. I was in the forest on the side of the highway when I saw it: a can of Crystal Pepsi. It was unopened. Clearly, it still contained the memed carbonated beverage goodness that only comes around once every 90s revival or so.
So, I did it. I tossed my stick into the woods and fostered an appetite for vintage fructose. This was a once-in-a-lifetime event! I could tell all of my friends! All of the talking heads on TV! I popped the tab, singing Fleetwood Mac to myself and the forest animals before slurping my first
Oh, that sweet, sweet moment. Or so I thought! Instead, I suddenly felt ragingly pissed! I must have
I hitchhiked my way home as I always do. That was when the real adventure
The guy who drove me home had pasty white skin. Said his name was Jeff. Thought I knew him from high school, but he said he didn't graduate because he burnt his skin with bleach, or some crap like that. We were driving down the highway before
I was scared. "
When Jeff's truck pulled into the driveway, I felt a bittersweet sorrow. I mean, his face looked all fucked up like nightmare fuel, but I had no friends (I lied earlier, sorry) and I had always wanted to know a trucker. "Don't worry about it", Jeffrey remarked. "
Despite my trucker guardian's advice, I had trouble going to sleep that night. It had been such an eventful day!
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At this point, I fell asleep. But then I woke up again five minutes later, so that wasn't very useful. By the time I woke up though, the infomercial had ended, and I was greeted by a familiar sight: the Price is Right television game show program!
"Now here's your host: Bob Barker!", Johnny exclaimed. Hm. This must have been a really old episode. I smiled out of sweet nostalgia,
"Be sure to get all your pets neutered and spayed.", Barker remarked,
I would've shut the television off then and there, but I left my grabber in the attic, so I couldn't reach for the remote.
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You know, they never really explained what 'the price' actually is, or what about it made it right, now that I think about it. Then again, I have a habit of overthinking these things.
At that point, I guess Bob Barker got across whatever his message was, because the show continued as normal. It was that part in which they pull contestants from the audience, but the way they went about doing it this time
"Alright, folks." Barker continued. "Instead of guessing how much money a showcase costs, complete this lyric: 'Was it something I said or something I did? Did my words not come out (blank)?'".
A few seconds elapsed while Barker put away the index card he was reading off of and the Jeopardy write-in answer music played. Strange, but I guess it was innocuous.
"What is 'showing one's genitals on Skype to your Internet lover'?", a blonde haired lady guessed.
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"Next answer.", Barker said callously, as if nothing happened.
"
He smiled. Really wide. A chill went down my spine. I was scared, for real this time. Bob Barker smiled. "But is the
I felt a sudden burst of energy, presumably from the Crystal Pepsi that I had drank earlier. I got up to check the mail, which is quite possibly one of my favorite life hobbies. Taxes. Credit card offers. Letters from my Mormon neighbor who had moved away years ago because I told him I had pissed on the golden plates of Joseph Smith. You know: the usual.
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There were all sorts of terrifying screams! "I can't see!" "Turn the lights back on!" "They took my eyes!" I couldn't believe that this show was airing. I looked off into the corner of my room to think, but then I saw my reading spectacles lying there, shattered somehow! "Fuck you, four eyes!" was the next scream. I could tell that it was from Bob Barker.
Suddenly, the lights went back on, but what was now going on at the studio
"Doing good works only goes so far
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That sandwich was your final meal!"
"Mister Crystal Pepsi!!"
I was scared.
I tried bargaining with the TV set. I got no response. I tried communicating with it using my telepathic powers. Nothing. For whatever reason, the Lost Episode of The Price is Right was now ignoring me. Perhaps it felt that I should have known exactly what it was that I did wrong.
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I took a bite into a crunchy gordita wrap that had been sitting there for days, and continued watching the episode. It was on the actual game show part of it, now.
There were three contestants. There was a little person. His name tag read 'Bilbo'. A smiling Native American woman revealed her name to be 'Samantha Ducklite'.
Oh, my lucky stars! It was Jeff! "Happy Birthday, Randy!", he cackled. Who in the world was Randy?
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"I'd like to buy a bowel, Pat.", Jeff snorted.
"My name isn't Pat, and this isn't the Wheel of Fortune, bub.", a voice responded. That voice wasn't Bob Barker's! Who was it? The camera panned over to the front of the set to
"Alright. This is going to be a 2-person show. I sold my soul to rock n' fool, so Jeff automatically makes it to Final Jeopardy. Bilbo and Sammy, you get to guess the showcase."
Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. Instead of something fancy or cool like a mini-bar or a home entertainment set, it
"Your very own bathroom", Carey sneered. "And it's covered in shit." He wasn't kidding, either. The shower, toilet, sink, curtains,
"
Drew shook his head. "You
What a terrible thing to say!! I was so offended that I wanted to write the station a letter of complaint, but then I remembered that this wasn't a real episode and all of these stories are fake, and anyone who leaves comments insulting me didn't understand what these videos were about to begin with.
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I wondered if Drew was going to force Bilbo into a pit like Bob had done to the blonde-haired woman from earlier. Or would it be the cocksucking yeti? To my surprise, it was neither.
Bilbo expanded. He expanded into a giant. A Giant, gray-skinned creature with giant bug eyes. "
Then he walked off the set. I thought it was pretty chill of him to take the high road instead of go all violent on them. "HAIL XENU!!", he exclaimed, as security carted him off.
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At this point, I was glad that the episode was almost over. I remembered that real life Jeff had told me to get 6-8 hours of sleep tonight, and I agreed. I got myself some bacon-flavored ritz crackers (because bacon is awesome) and returned in time for the commercial break to end.
"It's time for the final showcase", Drew said with a serious look in his eyes. "But this
Huh? What in the world did that mean? Well, whatever. I turned the TV off and hopped into my beanbag chair bed. I closed my eyes + drifted off to sleep.
Suddenly, I saw two white wings flapping from the sky. No—it wasn't a bird, nor a plane. It
"The ride.", he explained. "The sandwich. The sleep. I was trying to save you, Todd. And I told you to get to sleep. But that was
I woke up in a hospital bed. I felt a couple pounds lighter. I stared down and shrieked in horror! Behind the bloody
My dick! It had been cut off! I would have to live out the rest of my days as a eunuch! As if to haunt me, a sexy blonde-haired nurse walked in to take care of me. She ripped off my bandages. "Head like a hole!", she giggled. "Black as your soul, Todd!".
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Years later, I went ack to my old job. I was picking up used condom wrappers off the side of the road when I heard a scream, and the sound of a pick-up trucking on by. By the time I turned around, I was greeted by a girl my age, wearing a Pepsi cola t-shirt.
"Hi!", she waved. My
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