The Lost Episode of Unhappily Ever After: Difference between revisions
The Lost Episode of Unhappily Ever After (view source)
Revision as of 22:49, 22 August 2023
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(Created page with "{{Note|This is a fictional joke story written by DaveTheUseless. Don't take it seriously, fellas.}} Hit the road, Jack… and don’t you come back. How would you feel if somebody told you that? Probably not very good. But that was the basic premise of Unhappily Ever After: a mid-to-late 1990s television kinda-sorta family sitcom but more on the vulgar side that starred a cheating wife who cucks out her husband (no, I didn’t make that up) and an alcoholic dude with sc...") |
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{{Note|This is a fictional joke story written by DaveTheUseless. Don't take it seriously, fellas.}}
Hit the road, Jack… and
And we
I popped the tape in. The episode did not begin as normal. I practically jumped out of my seat when I heard the altered opening theme song:
I popped the tape back in after putting together my own coffee (triple cream, triple sugar). The meat of the episode started off with the main character, Jack, sitting on a sofa in the living room, alone and with his hands in his pants.
Then I was actually bothered by what happened next. Jack started singing
I nearly got up to turn the tape off again when I realized that the video quality was kind of poor and jumpy, as if it was put together as a prank by some college kids. Of course, no college kids would know a thing about Cousin Ed. Furthermore, nobody in my family had ever been to college (my father,
My heart skipped a beat when I saw what happened next. Jennie bent down on the floor, right below
By the time I came back in my room from mixing another coffee (quadruple cream, quadruple sugar), the scene had changed over to schizophrenic Jack talking to none other than the infamous stuffed rabbit, Mr. Floppy. Mr. Floppy was a puppet voiced by popular black voice actor Bobcat Goldthwait (black as in black comedy). He was a product of
Murder? They
I got up to get my final coffee (quintuple cream, quintuple sugar). By the time I came back, the screen was all staticky and I wondered if the tape was over. Perhaps this was all some sort of elaborate troll. I fast forwarded through the VHS, and there was nothing else.
Suddenly, I had a brilliant idea. A brilliant idea that ruined my life, so perhaps not so brilliant after all, though. I ''rewound'' the tape, and as it turned out… there was a preamble to the episode that I had skipped entirely. It was Jack, at a birthday party, with a baseball bat in his hand. He looked really, really angry, as if he could dismantle
He was going to smack them in the back of the neck with a baseball bat.
The music got more and more loud and suspenseful and my heartbeat picked up, faster and faster. Jack walked up the stairs of the house—whatever house he was in, though it looked very familiar to me. I let out a scream, as Jack opened the door, the camera close-up and shaking on the bedroom door and
It was a piñata. Some sort of multi-colored horse. A festive, Mexican party tradition, where you smack open an object representing an animal and candy pops out of it. Only… when Jack wound up his Louisville slugger and swung for the fences…
A human being fell out. A… a midget. A little person, I guess. With a nose shaped like a
I had a hunch I should have been offended, but I
I felt my lips curve into a smile. I finished my final coffee. It may have been the sugar
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