The Mr. Peanut Murders: Difference between revisions
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{{Note credit|This is a fictional joke story written by Schizima. Don't take it seriously.}}
Mr. Peanut. The family friendly mascot of the peanut brand Planters. Some have said mr. peanut was brought to life when a submitted artist sketch through fake student name Antonio Gentile drew up the classic peanut-shaped-man with stick legs, a monocle, and a sinister smile.
As a former heir to the peanut estate I recall the "5 cent lunch" being not quite that at all. In fact that Italian estate to which Mr. Peanut was originally "
I had won it. The free tour. The plane trip. The sack lunch of peanuts. A lifetime supply of peanuts, in fact. How ironic, the one man to win a lifetime supply of peanuts was one of the only men in the world with a rare strain of peanut allergy that could kill him. I would later find out it was not ironic at all.
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And then the prize. A lifetime supply of peanuts, or a cash equivalent of 50 dollars, whichever was chosen. I just wanted the fifty bucks. As I entered the main hall of the peanut gallery, a strange, shadowy child enveloped the lower portion of the staircase.
It
He led us into a room full of empty glass cases and stepped into each. "Here I am in the 1910s." He said. "Here I am in the 1920s." He moved from case to case, not changing at all. "Years ago I was the victim of an ancient Druid spell that-" I started to leave but two large, burly security guards wearing peanut vests forced me back into the line. "And it is only by drinking the blood of innocent men such as your self that I am able to maintain my youthful peanut glow." The tiny peanut man ran his tongue across my arm. "Salty." He whispered. This was disgusting. I pushed him away and he struck me with a cane! "
He led us into a banquet hall to conclude the tour. "And now, to conclude, your reward, a lifetime supply of peanuts, or fifty dollars, whichever you select." I chose the fifty dollars. "Take your slave money, petulant thug" he yelled, slapping me with the cash equivalent of fifty rebates. I
He slumped over, dead. "The Mr. Peanut Murder Mystery is finally coming to a close." Mr. Peanut said to himself. Mr. Peanut began loading an elephant gun. I ate the peanut.
There was a rash, some light tingling, a swelling sensation and a general feeling that I
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