The Passion - Quest for MIXED NUT
CHAPTER 1: Sega Genesis
CHAPTER 2: The Salvation of the PornHub Premium account
CHAPTER 3: The First Embrace
CHAPTER 4: The Definition of Medicinal Rosen
CHAPTER 5: Head out on tha Highway
CHAPTER 6: Deus X Machina
CHAPTER 7: Of Stans & Men
CHAPTER 8: Cursed Entities
CHAPTER 9: IKEA's a Beach
CHAPTER 10: One Flew Over ReviewBrah's first Mukbang
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NSFW WARNING
This page is not safe for work or school. The content of this story is not suitable for some audiences, and may be inappropriate to view in some situations. |
Chapter 1: Sega Genesis
So, let’s start not that long ago in 2002. I was living in the very safe neighborhood of Miami, California. It’s the type of town that if your plane crashed during that thing that happened to America, but instead of the World Trade Center, it’s Miami, It would be like the scene from Wizard of Oz where the Munchkins all start peeing on each other to celebrate your arrival from Earth.
I was in my house, in my room, at 4:00 AM. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep. But then I heard the sounds of Mom and the New Daddy moaning and grunting. It was a peaceful scene. Serene even. My vacation, and I immediately fell asleep. Thank you God for helping them to help me sleep.
…
…
…”GET THE FUCK UP YOU LITTLE MASTERBATING SHIT AND GO TO PUBLICS TO FETCH ME SOME MORE MEDICINE!!!” She was correct. I was mid-session right then. Which meant that I suspected she would join in like this movie I watched.
“It would be fine”, I thought. “I mean she’s not to drunk is she?”, I thought rationally and deeply.
“…*sexy lip smack*, it WOULD be FIIIIIIIIIIIINE…”
I jump down from the top of the stairs to the floor and this woman totally ignored my fake cries to help me up, so I quit.
“Sweetie?”
“Yes, MaMa, mommy?”
“Can you be a dear and go down to the Little Clinic at Kroger and fetch me my next few weeks’ worth of Medicinal Methamphetamine, …can you do that for me?
…
“no” “WELL DOS AT LOK LIKE I GIVAFAGUCH YOU LITSH!” mother asked calmly
“I’m tired!”
She leaned forward and said, “Oh come on! You’ll get your rewaaaard!”
Mom had apparently been familiar with my search history and tried to imitate that Minecraft girl, Jenny.
I knew what she meant, “20k dollars?”
“Deal, now GETUR HASS OUT MY HOUSE!”
MISSION PASSED:
Sega Genesis
Achievements:
Remained Calm, +20!
Got a Peek at Mom’s cleavage, +50!
Dollars earnt: +20,000$.
Total Dollars: 20,000$!
Chapter 2: The Salvation of the PornHub premium account
I moonwalked into Miami High School and the Librarian walked up behind me and smacked my ass with Twilight.
“Oh hai, Ms. Hindley!”
“Baby! You forgot your Monday shirt!”
She held out my Slipknot™ shirt that I wear every Monday at school.
“Well, of course!” I immediately took off my current shirt and-
“TITTY TWISTER!” She took out her fingers and titty fucked me for about 5 minutes.
"How's yours's like, cuckold?"
I was reluctant to reveal the goods but did so anyways. Her reaction was too hard to describe, so I took out my phone and filmed her face.
I then put on my shirt on and ran.
I finally got to Bible Meditation class, and my BFF (Big Fat Fuck) and best friend, Homer was seated.
He was about 4’3, 201 pounds and also about 6 foot in height.
“All you need to do, kiddies is to relax and turn your heart to Sat-, t-the Looooord.”
“Just relax, keep calm, and (Y/N), if you don’t sit down right now I’ll castrate you with a Hacksaw, now FEEEEEEEEEELLLLL, the love of Christ.”
Our Bible Teacher, who I never found out the name of is a bit of a mixed bag. The more I be around her, the less I’m convinced to turn to the Lord.
I sat down on the mat, and immediately felt swamp-ass in my Fruit-of-the-Loom™ boxers, they also looked yellow.
“Mrs. Bible?”
“See how I’m relaxed and okay. (INHALES EXHALES) I am flooded by God.”
“Mrs. Bible?”
“WHAT!?”
“Why is there a piss-like substance on my mat?”
“MAYBE YOU PEED THERE I DON’T KNOW!? Now, (Breathing) just relax, and love one another.”
I reluctantly sat down and got into meditation pose.
“Hey, (Y/N), what up?”
I heard a strange voice which I quickly responded to by giving the up the middle finger in the air.
“Hey, bitch.”
“Oh, HEEEYYYY, Homer!”
"You got my money?"
"...no."
"YOUR DEAD."
He reached in to punch me, and I opened up my legs for him.
"...unless you recover my PornHub Premium account."
"GODDAMMIT!"
"(Y/N) YOU STUPIDLITTLE FUGH GETTAT MO CLASS FOR SAYING THAT NOW!!!"
I quickly ran out of the classroom as the teacher was throwing crucifixes at me.
NEW OBJECTIVE:
RECOVER THE PORNHUB ACCOUNT!
Once I finally fucked off, I started to wonder where the PornHub Account was.
Think THINK THINK
Can we think, thinking time! :)
…
...
...
DING
"I know! Check the FPHHOOOOOONE!!!
I pulled out my iPhone foldable I stole from their factory and search up on Bing.
pornhub login
I logged into the unblocked PornHub, but before clicking on the Log In, I was tempted by more Jenny Minecraft videos, as well as remixes of Ankha Cat dancing to Numb by Linkin Park. "...oh why not!"
CLICK
{LOADING 100%}
Before the video I had to witness the dreaded ad that seems to be taking over PornHub by the second;
TIK TOK FOR ADULTS, 18+, UGLY MOMS WANNA FUCK CLICK HERE!
SKIP
I finally got to the video and instead of the Cat dancing, as proven by the Wright Brothers, it was the Cat speaking directly into the camera in the exact manly voice I expected:
"Hello, human. Contrary to popular belief, I am NOT dancing."
As this demonic figure spoke, Anti-Nightcore Numb played in the background, it was excruciatingly excruciating.
"And get used to this music, you'll be num- FINE with it very soon."
"(Y/N), what kinda name is that? Sounds like you watch me all the time. Both platforms to answer your question. I am publicly releasing this information to you for, well, no reason other than BECAUSE I CAN. 3 weeks from now, Michael Rosen is going to launch an atomic bomb he has been developing in his lab, and make landfall in Miami, California. All I need to shut up is for you to listen to the following requests:
"STEP ONE:"
"Screw this!"
LOG IN
I finally got to the Log In and Homer's password autocorrected in. I stopped thinking about the video and realized his username was JOJOCOK19.
MISSION PASSED:
The Salvation of the PornHub premium account!
Achievements:
Did the Phone Song!, +45!
I'VE BECOME SO DUMB, +100!
Dollars earnt: +0$
Total Dollars: 20,000$!
Chapter 3: The First Embrace
"Goodbye, clownshoes!"
I ran out of the school and immediately tried to find a car. Luckily, there was a handy '70 Ford Pinto on sight which I happily committed Grand Theft Auto for.
I was doing 180 mph on the street heading for the airport, trying to stop Michael of his plans, which may or may not be real.
Finally rolled up to the terminal and t-boned a baggage cart, I jumped out of the car just before the shitty Pinto explodes before my eyes. I looked over my shoulders and finds a conveniently placed Segway on the side, which I rode away on.
I crashed through the glass door and rode my chariot at warp speed through the airport. Thankfully, only 4 people were run over, all of which occurred while security was chasing after me.
"GET THE FUG OUTA WAY, I CANT STOP!"
"STOP YOUR FUCKING VEHICLE"
I finally got to the gate where I winked at the hot flight attendant outside the gate, to which she hesitated to call 911. I was still on the Segway, going through the catwalk when the door to the plane was already closed, and I got a black eye from hitting it. I decided that the only way was to just kick the door down gangsta-style, so I did.
I decided that the only way was to just kick the door down gangsta-style, so I did, and the Happy Wheels™ Victory theme played.
"Wazzup bitches?" I said as I went to sit down by the toilet.
"Passengers, our flight from Miami to the UK will be taking off shortly, please prepare for takeoff."
At a moment of piece like this, I got out a bag of Xanax and smoked, as I fell asleep.
...
"but he shouldn't be on this plane, he could be a terrorist..."
...
...
"one thing I don't know why it doesn't even matter how hard you try..."
...
"WAKE UP, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING!"
I was pleasantly awaken by the Captain, although I was on a MAJOR hangover. Usually I just sleep it off, but it was too much Xanax to do so, as well as the fact we were probably landing.
"We're 15 hours from UK."
"OH COME ON!"
15 HOURS LATER:
We landed in London, in which my hangover was thankfully still going.
When I went outside to the parking lot, I tried looking up where Michael Rosen lived, since the only village I knew existed in the UK is London. After realizing that Wi-Fi is automatically turned off for American tourists to prevent them from "escaping". I also didn't have a car, so...
I had no choice but to stick my thumb out, and suck it. Then I decided to hitchhike.
A few drivers just gave me the middle finger, and finally when one stopped.
"Yeah so, do you know where Michael Rosen lives, his lab?"
"YOU FROM BLODDY 'mERICAN PISS OFF OR I CALL 112!" They sped off immediately, leaving me feel empty.
Finally, I flagged down a Random Truck Driver who drove me to a road in the middle of nowhere. "Get out, we're here." I did, and he drove away, with no one else in sight.
I missed Miami, I missed PornHub, I missed my Librarian teacher. I missed 50 Shades of Grey most of all. But then (looks to the left, then back) SUDDENLY, I heard some rustling in the bushes, thinking it was a Squirrel, I barked and pounced on it, only to be smashed in the face by a metal trap door opening.
"what's the password?"
"...Chocolate Cake?"
MISSION PASSED:
The First Embrace!
Achievements:
GayJacked!, +95!
Found Michael Rosen's Bunker, +10!
Dollars earnt: +0$
Total Dollars: 20,000$!
Chapter 4: The Definition of Medicinal Rosen
A beep came on, and a bony finger came from below and waved its fingers back and forth. I jumped in and fell on the floor. It took about 5 minutes to have the strength to get up from falling 100 feet into the earth, and it was him!
"AH, (Y/N) You're late."
"MR ROSEN!"
"I know why you came." "Why?"
"...to smoke with me, of course, come on!", the entrance was more inviting than a Soviet bunker.
We walked into the lab and there was a whole factory of speed and crack from room to room. Rosen was the exact businessman I knew and loved.
We sat down and a bag of crystal and Krystal with wings flew towards us, which he offered to thou.
"Wanna first hit?"
I was tempted, ask him about the Mission, or get high with him.
"SURE BITCH GIMMMASOMADAT." I grabbed the bag and stuffed my faceholes with it. He then grabbed the bag and did the same.
2 hours later, we were extremely trashed, sitting on his couch, watching Squid Game, he even introduced me to his cyclops, Hangnail. Right in the moment when we were hallucinating it with two eyes, I decided to ask about the mission, but he interrupted:
"Ya se how t-the Assholl is licking the un-nbrella like a I I think ES Fanny, HAHA, why you Dond watch the dub!"
"Yo-you-you know, Michael, about the huge bomb that Ankha Cat mentioned." "Oh yeah thas just a ho-hobby of mine, building weapons of mass destruction."
"Bombs?"
"No you dumb bitch, this meth. (SNORT) The nuke's for protection against her."
"Oh, okay, ...WHAT?"
"Ankha Cat, she's uh, ...sheeeessss, uuuuuh. Hot." "HOT?"
"No, no EVIL! Hot and Evil. She's evil. She's absolutely demented. But my high score on Run 3 is higher so, Haha fuck her, right? *INHALES*"
"And... what about the nuke and the video?" I asked, sobering up unfortunately.
"We have this beef, y'know? She wants to take over the world, and I want to become the next drug god, so waddatha ho does? Makes a video bashing me for some bullshit. I tried to stop her from putting it on YouTube and said if she does I reveal my high score, so she uploaded it to PornHub, where you found it."
"What are you gonna do with the nuke, then?"
"SHE'S the one that wants to nuke Miami. That video was just a cover-up. We have to hide the nuke somewhere remote and isolated. She knows about the place."
He handed me a card, "Wait, wait, I know this trick, I'm not playing it, 45.6 billion$ aint worth dying for!"
"No, this is just the number for MIXEDNUT."
I've never heard of this Mixed Nut, so I asked this man. "Who's MIXED NUT? And why is his name in ALL CAPS?"
"He's a rapper, was a rapper. Currently retired, resides somewhere in Indo-China. He's the only one who knows how to defeat Ankha Cat."
MIXED NUT? I remember that name. Don't I?
Suddenly, I heard a knock on the door. For some reason, Michael panicked, and shushed at me.
"hide in the closet, and don't you say another goddamn word." he whispered in my ear. I nodded quickly and he hid me in a closet, which was full of filled beakers and acid. I heard him go to the entrance and speak through the microphone.
"Who is et?"
"R you Mr. Rosen?"
"Does it look like I'm not? Who are you guys?"
"We're the Metropolitan Police, we drove 3 hours to get here, so don't annoy us."
"More like, don't annoy me! Now, whatdaya want?"
"We were told that an American is currently hiding out in this area, and your the only resident within 20 kilometers area, now can we come in, I have to piss!"
...
"Okay, screw it."
After pissing time, the coppers searched the bunker for the Illegal American, (me, I guess).
"Hey, you wanna try some of the crank?"
"We are required to stay sober at all times while working, with an exception to Heineken, British Law."
"Oh come on, it's rearry good!"
They were tempted, just like me. But ultimately decided not to take it. ...which sucked!
"So, uhh, who told you guys about any Illegals in heae?"
"Some random truck driver."
"Hmm, wonder who that was?"
"Remember, Mr. Rosen. Illegal Americans are a serious matter. Only her majesty knows what that horrible creature is capable of."
"Oh, come un, they not that bad!"
The cop glared at Michael.
"I mean, according to this article I read-"
I accidentally nudged on an open beaker of white liquid, and it burned like hell. I decided the best course of action, was to scream and panic.
"AH GAD FUKIN DAMMIT!!!"
The coppers heard me and broke into the very same closet to which me and Michael looked at each other like "Damn, let's do this homie!"
We started to beat the shit out of the Coppers as they came out in numbers, parkouring over the equipment and defeating the coppers in the most badass Bames Jond ways possible. The Only Thing They Fear Is You from the DOOM soundtrack was playing in the background during the battle.
10 minutes of Fight Sequence later:
We escaped the bunker on Michael's Koeingsegg and rode off into the day.
"Where are we going now, professor?"
"Don't call me that now, douchbag."
"Why don't I call you that then?"
"Sure."
"Where are we going now, douchbag?"
Still with both hands on the wheel, looking straight forward, Michael Rosen simply stated.
"Get me the GPS, we're going to find MIXED NUT."
MISSION PASSED:
The Definition of Medicinal Rosen!
Achievements:
Large Marge sent ya! +40!
Illegals and National Fugitives, +75!
Dollars earnt: -47$
Total Dollars: 19,953$!
Chapter 5: Head out on tha Highway
"SIRI."
...
(beep)
"Where does MIXED NUT live?"
(15 seconds of silence)
"...Getting search results for 'Where does Mixed Nut live?'"
"Shit."
"Hey, it says here, there's a MIXED NUT fan club in Bangkok."
The Bing Maps review for MIXED NUT Fan Club and Lounge stated a 1/5 cows.
"Nonsense, that's just the offices for angry Stans to send emails to and be replied with "We will get right back to you as soon as we can."
"But it also has a lounge for those Stans, according to Bing."
"What's the review?"
"1/5 cows"
"Deal."
Michael stepped on the gas and I ended up flying back into the leather seat, eventually getting back to normal.
...
...
"uH, let's get some jams up in here!"
"Hell yes."
I looked through the glove box for some Boner Jams. I instead found some Playboy magazines, a lighter, and a paperback copy of 50 Shades of Grey.
"Ah, here they are, let's see there's Garth Brooks, boring. Slim Shady LP, boring. Black Parade, ehhhh... Hybrid Theory?
"So what, you gotta problem with Linkin Park?"
"'Ah course not."
We turned to each other in common.
10 Minutes later:
"YOU LIKE TO THINK YOUR NEVER WRONG"
"YOU LIVE WHAT YOU LEARNED"
"YOU LIKE TO ACT LIKE YOUR SOMEONE"
"YOU LIVE WHAT YOU LEARNED"
"YOU WANT SOMEONE TO HURT LIKE YOU"
"YOU LIVE WHAT YOU LEARNED"
"YOU WANNA SHARE WHAT YOU BEEN THROUGH, YOU LIVED WHAT YOU"
Michael did Mike's rapping:
"Forfeit the game
Before somebody else
Takes you out of the frame
And puts your name to shame
Cover up your face
You can't run the race
The pace is too fast
You just won't last-"
An emergency alert came on Michael's phone, but not mine. "EMERGANCY ALERT: Illegal American AT LARGE: Last spotted 3 hours outside Yorkshire."
"Dammit, Secret Services found the bunker and put out an Alert, we gotta sneak onto the plane."
Once we got to the airport, we had to sneak onto the plane through the conveyer belt, which we almost got stuck into. We finally were able to get out of the suitcases when we were in the Cargo Hold. Hopefully the plane would reach Bangkok in about a day, and we slept.
INDIANA JONES TRAVEL SEQUENCE: London->Istanbul->Pyongyang->Hanoi->BANGKOK
BANGKOK INDIA - Two Days Later
"Here's the place, MIXED NUT Fan Club and Lounge." The building was much bigger than I expected, considering MIXED NUT retired about 6 years ago. In the front there were fans selling their lifetime supply of copies of the album The Land of Milk and Cookies.
"ALBUMS! ONLY 200$ EACH!"
Fans were lining up in packs for such a bargain.
"So why is MIXED NUT the only one who knows how to defeat Ankha?"
Michael was reluctant to answer, "Well, he did a diss track of her on the Album and I was featured on it."
LYRICS OF ANKHA DISS TRACK
...You dancing cat,
Where you at
Little horny thang
Gecho ass up off the floor and d'yo man!
Michael:
You feel me, NUT?
Keep yo perv-ass away
I will only see you dance-ass on Memes
Don't even try to fuck over me...
"Ankha was Nut's ex. He realized that the only way she can be defeated is... ,I forgot it was a while ago."
"Well, let's go then!"
The doorman bowed down to Michael as we walked in and it was like everything just melted around me. I even heard a wine bottle shatter.
...
"DR. ROSEN!!!" said a random fan.
We put on Guy Fawkes masks and everything went back to normal. Apparently, Michael's Rapper name was DR. ROSEN.
The Stans were in a large pile, either orgy-ing or eating each other. We simply walked past, with the masks, blending right in.
(DING)
LEVEL 69
Michael: (chuckles)
(Y/N): That's not funny.
The door opened, and we saw the man himself. He was busting his name.
MISSION PASSED:
Head out on tha Highway!
Achievements:
I hate getting recognized! +30!
Found MIXED NUT, +50!
Dollars earnt: +0$
Total Dollars: 19,953$!
Chapter 6: Deus X Machina
"You crackers' gon have to go the back otha line for a taste, the oth one fo a ride."
We took off our Guy Fawkes masks and he immediately zipped his costume up before we could get a free peek.
...
"...Michael?"
"Nut?"
"...who the fuck is this?"
(in the same question-like tone) My Migrant partner in crime.
...
"...(sigh) What has she done this time?
"Wants to blow up Miami, California. Then probably the world." as Michael puts.
I looked around the room. Nut's crib was glamorous AF! A Kimba the White Lion rug, water-color paintings of Shrek shitting into a pot, and... were those...?
Mime and Dash showed up out of nowhere, looking like they were straight out of a TikTok cosplay, what were they doing here?
MIXED NUT halfheartedly answered for us, "And, what are you guys doing here?"
"We thought after a long night we could get some Denny's with our big strong nut." said one of them.
"NO,nononononono, no, you guys don't know how this works, see you two are just groupies, and my wife comes back in about half an hour so, you two are supposed to be gone. Hey, Rosen, G, can you please lead those two chicks to the elevator."
Michael started, ignoring my confusion due to me being so fixated by their presence. "Come on guys, go, outside, OUTSIDE, NOW, grabbass'n touchy little tools."
He led them to the door, and they still looked desperate for Nut as the door closed. "Goddamn.", Nut uttered. For some reason, they both started talking a strange Ghetto vernacular. "A, wazgood MAI," "Wazup dug, what'chu doin?"
They gripped each other's hands tight and hugged for a sec, like TRUE brothers.
"No, fo real do, who dis?"
"This here's (Y/N), he's he ta help us with, ...the thang we gat goin on."
"Aah.", he put his glass of whisky down on the Kimba rug. "You watched the video, dind'chu?"
I wasn't embarrassed at all to say, "You bet'cha, ...G." "Ah, com'un maen, you in mI house, let's just talk normally."
He completely switched back to normal English talk.
"Mike, can you please explain to him the situation?"
"Ah course, you remember the Diss Track we did on your Ex on the album The Land of Milk and Cookies"
"I remember every single track on my records. About it?"
"Let's just say she was kinda pissed off. Made a video claiming I'd nuke Miami, California."
"Well, are you?"
...
"...maybe if she annoys me to a point where I do it out of spite, but I digress."
"So what'chu wanna do bout it then?"
I butted in, "He said you were the only one who knows how to stop her-"
Michael gritted his teeth and his eyes squinted, "sssSHIT!"
"What?" asked Nut.
"Apologies, (Y/N). He has as little idea as I do."
"What?! WHY DAFUQ U LIE 2 ME M8!"
"I know, I know, ...But he does have materials to hide the nuke, soooo..."
I turned to the Rapper. "What ARE YOU PEOPLE?"
"Oh come on, it don't hurt to help a brother out, come on Mike and douche!"
MISSION PASSED:
Deus X Machina!
Achievements:
Young (Kawaii) Lust, +70!
HOMEIS 4 LIFE, +120!
Dollars earnt: -1$
Total Dollars: 19,952$!
Chapter 7: Of Stans & Men
We rolled into the elevator where Mime and Dash were still present and unmoved. Nut looked rather frustrated and Michael tried to console thou.
"Oh come on, Nut, we only have to deal with them halfway the ride." I guess the nuke storage was on the roof.
"you know you wanna cuck us, MIXED N-"
"JUST SHUTAFUK UP. OKAY?" Nut's face became hyper-rea-, Crease-filled and bulging eyes as opposed to crotch.
"God, just chill out man." Michael attempted to calm Nut down.
"SCREW U MIKE, Dr. Rosen, more like Dr. Dumbass!!!"
"OH YOU WANNA GO BICH, YOU WANNA GO, CUZ OUI CAN GO"
I had to get in-between them to break up the fight. "Look just calm down, ladies."
"GETHCOU-"
20 Minutes Later...
"Bye, Mime! Bye, Dash!"
The two dudes finally calmed down after tying them up for twenty minutes, and we got to the basement in no time.
"Ladies and Hardmen, welcome to my Weapons Storage!"
Nut's bunker was even bigger than Michael's. Don't take that out of context...
It was just one giant concrete/asphalt 2,000 foot by idk foot km big room, which was enough to store Michael's nuke.
"Revolutionary, Mixed!" Michael said in fabricated awe.
"Do you think it'll be big enough for the thing?"
"If it's big enough for my dick-"
"SHUT UP WIT DA DIK JOKES, anyways, ok, let's get it then."
"We'll take la chopper."
He pointed to the helicopter in the bunker, I realized that the entrance to the surface was like 5 miles forward and the ceiling was only 200 meters high, basically, WE MAY FUCKING CRASH!!!
But screw it.
We naynayed into the chopper and Nut attempted to go forward without hitting the ceiling, and was going great. Until he wasn't.
"Uh, Nut? What is that thing?" I pointed to a random Stan of indeterminable and possibly transvestite gender on the floor who was running towards us.
"MIXED NUT!!! CAN I GET AN AUTOGRAPH, OR SUCK YOUR DICK AT LEAST, FREE!?"
"Oh shit, let's get outta here." "WAIT."
"MIXED NUT Stans are like sharks, once they draw blood, or any other bodily substance, they go on a feeding frenzy, be cool."
We didn't speed up, but the object still followed. "GET BACK HERE BABY."
"Okay fuck it, Mike do you happen do have any... weapons on you?"
"Oh yes, ah course." Michael got out a minigun and held it like in GTA V.
"DIE YOU MOTHA-" (B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B)
But the Stan didn't go off, it only attracted more of those vermin.
"Dammit, NUT GET US OUTTA HERE!"
He flew faster and we hit the ceiling just a tiny bit, causing us to partially crash down and the Stans got into the blades, finally getting them rid.
We got to the surface and barely got into the sky without crashing, but did leak some gasoline.
"WOOH, yeah now let's get back to Britian!" Nut said.
I looked down at the chopper floor, and saw a mysterious bottle in there.
I then realized the whole thing was covered in gasoline.
...
...
"JUMP THE FUCK OUT, DERES A MOLTAV COCKTAIL!!!" We did.
(EXPLOSION)
We had to parachute out and landed in a Limp Bizkit concert.
MISSION PASSED:
Of Stans & Men!
Achievements:
GUYS STOP FIETING YOUR BEST FRIENDS!!!, +80!
High Voltage, +30!
Dollars earnt: +0$
Total Dollars: 19,952$ '
Chapter 8: Cursed Entities
When we landed in the Limp Bizkit Concert, it was straight into the moshpit, ...During Break Stuff.
"GIVE ME SOMETHAN TA BREAK"
We just managed to get out of the moshpit with only several lacerations on the arms and torso and escaped into the jungle.
After several hours setting up a fire, cooking squirrels, and drinking from the leftover 8 packs we got from the wreckage...
(SLEEP)
(SLEEP)
(helicopter sounds)
(waking up)
I was the first to notice.
"...what... the FUCK IS THAT?"
A yellow-pink Apache helicopter labeled "ANKNA CORP" was landing right over us, we had to run before it almost crushed us and the fire.
It landed and out came several Russian-lookin soldiers who held us at gunpoint.
"GET ON GROUND, GO HANDS UP"
"What? What the fuck?!"
"HOLY SHIT WHAT!?"
They didn't make us go into the ship, but held us forward-facing the entrance, and, ...(SIGH), she came out.
"Greetings, Assholes!"
"Babe! What are you doing here?" said Nut.
"I'm not your babe anymore, Keyshawn!"
MIXED NUT's real name was Keyshawn?
"Anyways, YOU THREE HAVE BEEN FUCKING WITH MY SHIT FOR THE LAST TIME, SO IM GETTING MY REVENGE"
"Is that why you want his nuke?"
"YES."
"Uh, Michael, do you know what to do-"
(GETS HIT IN THE GUT BY A SOILDER)
(passes out)
...
...
waking up
I woke up in a strange room- NAH just kidding, I woke up at the campsite during the day.
It was completely quiet all around and Michael nor Nut, I mean Keyshawn, nor Ankha were anywhere in sight.
I decided to find the nearest road and hitchhike, hopefully it would be more buzzing than in the UK.
It was only a 2 mile walk through the jungle until I found the interstate. I tried flagging down several cars, but no one even dared to flip me off of flash me their moobs. Finally someone stopped.
"Mighte fhin weatha we gat he?"
It was the 'random truck driver'.
...
"Oh yeah it's fine."
He drove forward at 100 mph. We didn't speak at all during the ride, and I didn't even know where we were going, but we did hear on the radio about three dumbasses crashing into the moshpit at a recent Limp Bizkit concert.
The truck rolled up into downtown and we arrived at a skyscraper with the words ANKNA CORP at the top floor, as well as the words "FUCK YOU NUT" in well-done graffiti. Right when I was taking it all in, Random Truck Driver injected me with tranquillizer.
ANOTHER F-ING SLEEP SEQUENCE
...
"I think he's gay."
"Of course not, he only looks at your ass sometimes."
(wakes up)
OH SHIT HE UP, Heyyyy buddy!
We were in a glossy metal room with a projector screen and board on the wall. Michael and Nut were tied up in IKEA chairs next to me, and so was I.
"Where are we?"
That bitch Ankha walked in and immediately filled a glass from the wine bottle.
"Gentlemen, you have made some very shitty choices. Nut, you are an absolute delusional cunt, and Michael your meth use and production has led you to be a good person. And (Y/N), ...Miami's the worst for Spring Break."
"Yeah your right."
"ANYWAYS. I have conducted this A+ worthy PowerPoint presentation to demonstrate my plans, and hope that you assholes won't report me to the Cops."
She opened up a PowerPoint presentation titled MY PLANS ON NUKING STUFF. The next slide had an image of MIXED NUT, and the caption said 'This is the Nut that you recognized?'
The slide after that was a picture of Nut in the middle of an orgy with several other women. "THIS. This is how he always takes my heart and tears it to ribbons."
The next slide was of Michael Rosen. The caption was 'This is the Rosen you recognized?', and the next one was a link of sorts.
She clicked the link and it sent us to a Wikipedia article of Rosen, she went down to the "Collaborations" page, and it showed as follows:
"As you can see, I hate both of you, and (Y/N) has been helping you as well, so...
"OH COME ON! I barley did a thing, bimbo!"
"Shutdafukap."
She skipped to the next slide, and finally got to the plan.
STEP ONE:
FIND MIKE'S NUKE
STEP TWO:
SET UP MISSILE
STEP THREE:
FIRST MIAMI THEN THE WORLD
"MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Ankha laughed in G major as we finished ready, and ran out of the room.
MISSION PASSED:
Cursed Entities!
Achievements:
La Chocolate Starfish, +50!
Here's my assignment, +75!
Dollars earnt: -500$
Total Dollars: 14,952$ '
Chapter 9: IKEA's a Beach
My chair broke immediately, and when I fell down, it punctured my asscheeks a little, kinda hot.
"OWW WHAT DAF"
I jumped up, and the rope freed from me.
"Hey look, the rope slipped from you."
"No shit! ..."
(REALIZES)
I thought about anime for a second, then the plan.
I then kicked Nut's chair, partially for revenge, the other for the technique. Turns out he's jelly filled.
"You know what, (Y/N)?" ...He hit Michael's chair, and while he was falling, Michael socked the cookie. Unfortunately, they didn't end up fighting, which sucked because I was about to pull out my phone.
Once we were all free, the three of us looked at each other.
"...why are you looking at me like that?" I said. "Don't you cuckhold?" "Wha-"
Nut licked a tootsie pop seductivly, and I actually got aroused for a second, before I realized he was just doing this to torment me. I mean I couldn't just betray that douchebag Homer, right?
...
"...alright bitches LET'S DO DIS!!!" Michael said as he put on his sunglasses, we all did the same.
"Black Betty" by SPIDERBAIT starts playing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-sYCG0mq28
"Everybody Ready!?"
The uncomfortable silence obviously meant 'yes'.
"Okay! TIME FOR THESE BITCHES TO SUCK DICK!
(BOOM)
We kicked the door down, and I cocked my aesthetical AK-47, then threw the unloaded weapon to the side for the REAL GUD SHIT, Sawed Off Shotgun.
"THIS IS GUARD29, Prisoners escaping! REAPEAT, PRISONERS ESCAPING!"
"Man, can you shutdafukup?"
Michael punched the obnoxious guard and we moved on to the next wave of several guards, which for some reason only came at us with machetes and caveman clubs, we mowed them down one by one.
(B-B-BB-B-BB-BB-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-)
(B-B-B-B-B-BB--B-B-BBB)
(B-B-BB-B-B-B-B-B)
"CHARGE MOTHAFUKAS!!!" (BOOM)
I shot him with my shotgun, and fight scene continues for about 2 minutes.
2 MINUTES LATER:
"Ankha's getting away!!! NUT! I-I mean, KEYSHAWN!"
"OH SHET!"
We ran upstairs towards the evil Ankha, even putting down our weapons.
"Ankha, BABE!" shouted Nut.
"Leave me alone!" She said in a whiny voice.
"Babe, come on! It's only for a second?"
"NeOW!"
Eventually getting to Roof-Access, but unfortunately, she was already taking off on the handy helicopter.
"See ya later, cumshucks!", Ankha said as the chopper rose up and flew away into the night.
"I know where she's headed." "...for the nuke!"
MISSION PASSED:
IKEA's a Beach!
Achievements:
Fire in da hole! +45!
Officially an Action Movie, ...a bad one too, +200!
Dollars earnt: +19$
Total Dollars: 14,971$ '
Chapter 10: One Flew Over ReviewBrah's first Mukbang
"We need to find a car."
"Let's Go!"
All three of us ran back down from the stairs to the street. Thankfully, Michael's Koeingsegg was auto-parked by the building and we rode off on it, me behind the wheel.
"Should we go to the airport?"
"No, that's what Ankha would be expecting us to do. Drive to the UK."
"...okay fine."
NOTE TO VIEWER:
I am a horrible driver and have not gotten my driver's license, even now. This shall explain the next scene. Okay thanks.
I entered onto the Interstate and drove at 200 mph on most of the straight sections, and 230 on the curves.
I was able to successfully gain the attention of the cops who came in groups chasing us along the highway.
Minutes later, there were hundreds of blue guys chasing us.
"LSPD STOP YOUR VEHICLE!"
I sped up to 250 once I heard that, while Michael and Nut kept shouting at me to slow down. What, are they some sorts of wimps?
2 hours later...
Hours later, we finally reached Europe and entered Ukraine. The size of cop cars had doubled and we were well out of ammunition. Now we had to get past Border Patrol.
"But how? Aren't they just gonna shoot at us?" asked Michael.
"Yes, but I made a plan in Microsoft Paint just in case, now listen carefully because this is gonna require a lot of patience, but not that much stealth because this is gonna be very loud by default.
"But where are the battle plans?"
"Let's GO! CHARGE BICHES!!!"
We just went and speeded up towards the gate. Thankfully, the border patrol guards were to distracted by the sirens to care. We ran them over and SLAMED though into Ukraine.
The other two seemed pretty shaked up for some reason.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"
"BADASS THAT WAS!"
We got onto the main road and entered downtown Paris. All seemed good until the car started to ring FUEL EMPTY.
"Oh shit, we need gas." said Nut.
"Here's a Taco Bell." answered Michael.
Still going 200 mph, I tried to pull into the Taco Bell on the right. But as we crashed into the drive through, I recognized a certain face inside another car.
INSIDE CAR POV
"Hello, everyone! This is, running on empty, FOOD REVIEW! Well hello, ladies, gentleburgs, slayers and masterbaters, today we are trying out, not only a French exclusive Taco Bell item, we are trying it in this hip and cool Mukbang style that all the kids are doing nowadays... ,yeah I'm not with the times, but does it look like I give a damn? No. Anyway, this is a France exclusive Taco Bell item they call the Takis Nacho Crème Surprise, yummy. And I just spent like (LOUDER) 7,000 dollars on this, so you viewers better be thankful!
...
...
(calms down) Alright let's get this shit goin'. So we got 50 Takis Nacho Crème Surprises-"
(BOOM)
"WOAH WHAT THIS SHIT WAS THAT A FUKIN EXLOSION BEHIND IN THE TACO BELL!?"
BACK TO NORMAL POV
We had just crashed into the side of the drive-thru, causing an explosion.
I saw ReviewBrah get out of the car and freak out at this site, obviously. But instead of calling the cops, he stumbled over to our car, and we were able to capture his Karen-like exchange on Dashcam.
I ended up running over ReviewBrah, the other guy, and the truck in front of us since I was going at like 200 kph.
MISSION PASSED:
One Flew Over ReviewBrah's first Mukbang!
Achievements:
INTERnational! +45!
Where you go to get gas +200!
Dollars earnt: +0$
Total Dollars: 14,971$
Written by Minksdinkle7
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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