The Spring Ritual

Once every spring, you will get a magical opportunity.

You must wait until a tree closest to yourself starts budding.

Next you must gather Christmas lights and strip naked. Wrap the lights around your body and run onto your front lawn screaming “FUCK CHRISTMAS!” Over and over again, until you reach the center of your lawn.

Doing this tells the lords of Unseelie court that you reject the ways of the red suited menace. If the police do not arrive within the next 10 minutes you will know that the fair folk of the Unseelie court have your back.

If not, break the lights in such a way that will result in bleeding, this will ensure you get sent to a nearby hospital which will give you a head start to start your quest for finding a series of cursed objects that will bring an end to the universe when you collect em all.

But that is a long long series of stories for a another time.

To get back on the subject assuming your not in a drunk tank or you start strangling the receptionist after asking if she knows of “The Holder of Goodiebag #56335”…

Sorry, back on topic.

Once you are in the exact center of the lawn start spinning in a circle.

A series of terrifying as fuck figures will leap out of the bushes. If you have no bushes for them to leap out of, start counting down to 10 and than run like hell back into the house. Pray you do not trip on the lights while running.

The figures will give you an ultimatum.

You must slay the dragon that threatens their kingdom or they will give you 2 minutes to run to safety before they drag you back to their lair.

When they say dragon, they’re referring to either a dog or a kid with a super soaker blasting one of their holiday timeshare condos.

Either way, they’ll give you a cloak of invisibility and a dagger. The cloak will raise your stealth rating by +10 and gives a -6 to your armor class making you nigh impenetrable. The dagger will offer a 90% of penetrating through armour or particularly tough sneakers. Plus it will give a potential 5-6 points of piercing damage.

You should have little difficulty slaying their dragon in other words. This is assuming the “dragons” lair does not have guardians bearing particularly powerful firearms.

Once you have accomplished this, they will give you a whistle that will summon a bell hound that will defeat one enemy per whistle blow.

But you can only use it 3 times. Any more than that and the bell hound will drag you to the nearest church tower and tie you to the bell. Each time the bell is rung you will cry out from the vibrations of the bell.

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Credited to Opera_Omnia 

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