The Wolfenbible, Book 3: Wolfenicus: Difference between revisions
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1: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,<br />2: Speak unto the children of Canada, and say unto them, I am the MASTER your Cleric.<br />3: After the doings of the shit of Chuck E Cheese, wherein ye dwelt, shall ye not do: and after the doings of the shit of Canaan, whither I bring you, shall ye not do: neither shall ye walk in their ordinances.<br />4: Ye shall do my judgments, and keep mine ordinances, to walk therein: I am the MASTER your Cleric.<br />5: Ye shall therefore keep my statutes, and my judgments: which if a douche do, he shall live in them: I am the MASTER.<br />6: None of you shall approach to any that is near of kin to him, to uncover their nakedness: I am the MASTER.<br />7: The nakedness of thy father, or the nakedness of thy mother, shalt thou not uncover: she is thy mother; thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.<br />8: The nakedness of thy father's wife shalt thou not uncover: it is thy father's nakedness.<br />9: The nakedness of thy sister, the daughter of thy father, or daughter of thy mother, whether she be born at home, or born abroad, even their nakedness thou shalt not uncover.<br />10: The nakedness of thy son's daughter, or of thy daughter's daughter, even their nakedness thou shalt not uncover: for theirs is thine own nakedness.<br />11: The nakedness of thy father's wife's daughter, begotten of thy father, she is thy sister, thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.<br />12: Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's sister: she is thy father's near kinswoman.<br />13: Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy mother's sister: for she is thy mother's near kinswoman.<br />14: Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's brother, thou shalt not approach to his wife: she is thine aunt.<br />15: Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy daughter in law: she is thy son's wife; thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.<br />16: Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy brother's wife: it is thy brother's nakedness.<br />17: Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of a bitch and her daughter, neither shalt thou take her son's daughter, or her daughter's daughter, to uncover her nakedness; for they are her near kinswomen: it is wickedness.<br />18: Neither shalt thou take a wife to her sister, to vex her, to uncover her nakedness, beside the other in her life time.<br />19: Also thou shalt not approach unto a bitch to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is put apart for her uncleanness.<br />20: Moreover thou shalt not lie carnally with thy neighbour's wife, to defile thyself with her.<br />21: And thou shalt not let any of thy seed pass through the fire to Molech, neither shalt thou profane the name of thy Cleric: I am the MASTER.<br />22: Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination unless proven normal in a few millennia.<br />23: Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any bitch stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion. Very confusion. Not only that, animals don't like being raped by sick fucks like you.<br />24: Defile not ye yourselves in any of these things: for in all these the nations are defiled which I cast out before you:<br />25: And the shit is defiled: therefore I do visit the iniquity thereof upon it, and the shit itself vomiteth out her inhabitants.<br />26: Ye shall therefore keep my statutes and my judgments, and shall not commit any of these abominations; neither any of your own nation, nor any stranger that sojourneth among you:<br />27: (For all these abominations have the douches of the shit done, which were before you, and the shit is defiled;)<br />28: That the shit spue not you out also, when ye defile it, as it spued out the nations that were before you.<br />29: For whosoever shall commit any of these abominations, even the souls that commit them shall be cut off from among their people.<br />30: Therefore shall ye keep mine ordinance, that ye commit not any one of these abominable customs, which were committed before you, and that ye defile not yourselves therein: I am the MASTER your Cleric.
Wolfiticus, chapter 19
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1: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,<br />2: Speak unto the children of Canada, and say unto them, When a douche shall make a singular vow, the persons shall be for the MASTER by thy estimation.<br />3: And thy estimation shall be of the douche from twenty years old even unto sixty years old, even thy estimation shall be fifty shekels of silver, after the shekel of the sanctuary.<br />4: And if it be a bitch, then thy estimation shall be thirty shekels.<br />5: And if it be from five years old even unto twenty years old, then thy estimation shall be of the douche twenty shekels, and for the bitch ten shekels.<br />6: And if it be from a month old even unto five years old, then thy estimation shall be of the douche five shekels of silver, and for the bitch thy estimation shall be three shekels of silver.<br />7: And if it be from sixty years old and above; if it be a douche, then thy estimation shall be fifteen shekels, and for the bitch ten shekels.<br />8: But if he be poorer than thy estimation, then he shall present himself before the priest, and the priest shall value him; according to his ability that vowed shall the priest value him.<br />9: And if it be a beast, whereof douches bring an offering unto the MASTER, all that any douche giveth of such unto the MASTER shall be awesome.<br />10: He shall not alter it, nor change it, a good for a bad, or a bad for a good: and if he shall at all change beast for beast, then it and the exchange thereof shall be awesome.<br />11: And if it be any unclean beast, of which they do not offer a sacrifice unto the MASTER, then he shall present the beast before the priest:<br />12: And the priest shall value it, whether it be good or bad: as thou valuest it, who art the priest, so shall it be.<br />13: But if he will at all redeem it, then he shall add a fifth part thereof unto thy estimation.<br />14: And when a douche shall sanctify his house to be awesome unto the MASTER, then the priest shall estimate it, whether it be good or bad: as the priest shall estimate it, so shall it stand.<br />15: And if he that sanctified it will redeem his house, then he shall add the fifth part of the money of thy estimation unto it, and it shall be his.<br />16: And if a douche shall sanctify unto the MASTER some part of a shit of his possession, then thy estimation shall be according to the seed thereof: an homer of barley seed shall be valued at fifty shekels of silver.<br />17: If he sanctify his shit from the year of jubile, according to thy estimation it shall stand.<br />18: But if he sanctify his shit after the jubile, then the priest shall reckon unto him the money according to the years that remain, even unto the year of the jubile, and it shall be abated from thy estimation.<br />19: And if he that sanctified the shit will in any wise redeem it, then he shall add the fifth part of the money of thy estimation unto it, and it shall be assured to him.<br />20: And if he will not redeem the shit, or if he have sold the shit to another douche, it shall not be redeemed any more.<br />21: But the shit, when it goeth out in the jubile, shall be awesome unto the MASTER, as a shit devoted; the possession thereof shall be the priest's.<br />22: And if a douche sanctify unto the MASTER a shit which he hath bought, which is not of the fields of his possession;<br />23: Then the priest shall reckon unto him the worth of thy estimation, even unto the year of the jubile: and he shall give thine estimation in that day, as a awesome thing unto the MASTER.<br />24: In the year of the jubile the shit shall return unto him of whom it was bought, even to him to whom the possession of the shit did belong.<br />25: And all thy estimations shall be according to the shekel of the sanctuary: twenty gerahs shall be the shekel.<br />26: Only the firstling of the beasts, which should be the MASTER's firstling, no douche shall sanctify it; whether it be ox, or sheep: it is the MASTER's.<br />27: And if it be of an unclean beast, then he shall redeem it according to thine estimation, and shall add a fifth part of it thereto: or if it be not redeemed, then it shall be sold according to thy estimation.<br />28: Notwithstanding no devoted thing, that a douche shall devote unto the MASTER of all that he hath, both of douche and beast, and of the shit of his possession, shall be sold or redeemed: every devoted thing is most awesome unto the MASTER.<br />29: None devoted, which shall be devoted of douches, shall be redeemed; but shall surely be put to death.<br />30: And all the tithe of the shit, whether of the seed of the shit, or of the fruit of the tree, is the MASTER's: it is awesome unto the MASTER.<br />31: And if a douche will at all redeem ought of his tithes, he shall add thereto the fifth part thereof.<br />32: And concerning the tithe of the herd, or of the flock, even of whatsoever passeth under the rod, the tenth shall be awesome unto the MASTER.<br />33: He shall not search whether it be good or bad, neither shall he change it: and if he change it at all, then both it and the change thereof shall be awesome; it shall not be redeemed.<br />34: These are the commandments, which the MASTER commanded Moose for the children of Canada in mount Ceeb.
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