Top Cat: The Lost Episode: Difference between revisions
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If you stop and think about it and reach deep into your memory banks, you might remember an old cartoon called Top Cat. Top Cat is not remembered by too many people these days, but it was a popular cartoon back in its 1970s heyday. Starring a cat who wore a hat and lived out of a trash can, Top Cat resembled former U.S. President Ulysses S. Grant, and the Civil War. I myself served in the Civil War, and my name is Grant S. Ulysses. I also once ran a convenience store.
One day I was selling a soft pretzel and a large Magush Berry Slurpee to a kid with a skateboard and a backwards hat and an eyepatch, and a bright orange Atari t-shirt that reminded me of painful memories trying to break Billy Mitchell's Space Invaders record. When I saw in the corner of the store a
The Richmeister! Oh, I considered closing shop for the day and just accepting I'd lose thousands of dollars of business, but no. I decided to check out the current customer before closing the store. Then I went to close the store. I picked up the 'Closed' sign to close the store. I walked up to the front of the
"Eyyyy! Top Cat! The Top Cat Meister! Making Copies!", said the Richmeister. Well, that didn't make any sense. I wasn't making any copies. "Richmeister, can you shut the hell up and get the fuck out of my store.", I remarked.
Well, that was worthy of something. I went to the cash register and picked out some LeBron James Lemonade Bubbleyum (keep in mind this was the 90s) and I also got him his very own Magookleberry Slurpee (I added a lemon to the top, and a festive piece of lime right in the middle). Little did he know that the festive lime was ''poisonous''! A-ha heh, a-ha heh, a-ha heh heh heh!
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I was about to leave the store, actually, but then I looked over to the copy machine. I wondered what the Richmeister was copying. At this point, since he was dead and I'd never hear it again who gave a shit if I ended up thinking about 'making copies', even if it ended up looping in my head (well, I do have an anxiety disorder, but that's beside the point). I looked on top of the copy machine, and there it was: a VHS tape! 'The Lost Episode of Top Cat'. Ahhh, so that's why he called me 'Top Cat' earlier. He had Top Cat on the brain. And who could have blamed him? (By the way, anagram: if you rearrange the letters in 'Top Cat', you'll get 'Taco Cat'.)
I took the VHS tape and went home. My apartment is not a very impressive apartment. It's a simple studio apartment and all I have is a television, an old CRT TV, mind
I put the tape into the VCR, and I was ready to watch some quality entertainment. Oh, Top Cat. I remembered him from when I was a lad. The usual theme song played. It went a little something like this: "Top Cat/He's a top cat/He's the toppest cat around/With a top hat/Top Cat/Top Cat/He loves to eat out of the trash!/Top Cat/Top Cat/He most certainly is not into scat!/Top Cat/Top Cat/Did you know that when the male cat fucks a female cat it hurts the female cat because the male cat's boner is very bony and it hurts and it cuts
Wait a
Well, I wasn't going anywhere. I couldn't get the tape out. I considered trying to use my tongue or my teeth to try to take the tape out, but there was the fear that I might get the glue on my tongue, and if so I was as good as dead. It wasn't like I was going to drag the VCR and my television and the cokes cables all the way out of the apartment. Besides, I have no family and no
So, what else could I do? I was able to put the VHS tape back in, and to be honest with you I would rather watch a horrible VHS tape than be alone with my thoughts (I have an anxiety disorder). The tape continued. It showed Top Cat living inside of a trash can, as normal. He poked out of the trash can and then he stared directly at me, the viewer! Well, that was a little weird, but then again, breaking the fourth wall wasn't all that strange in cartoons (I wish my apartment had a fourth wall, though. I'm poor).
"Hey, kids! It's me, Top Cat!", said Top Cat. That wasn't his normal voice! Top Cat was supposed to sound refined and dignified, and he was supposed to resemble a mobster. Now that I think about it, this cartoon never was family friendly. I wonder how it get approved back in the 1970s. "I have ''explosive diarrhea!!!''". We didn't need to know that. I considered ejecting the VHS tape again, but now the tape was permanently stuck inside, and so was my jaw. "Just kidding! If I did, I couldn't live in this trash can anymore", said Top Cat, his voice becoming progressively more and
The scene cut to black and I was starting to wonder if the whole episode was just Top Cat smoking
I wondered if that was the entire tape, but then it cut to another scene. It was Top Cat outside. It was a full moon. I shrieked in horror when I looked closely, as the moon then panned in, as if there was a camera. It was a blood moon! The moon was blood red. It also looked HD. They didn't have HD back in the 1970s! What a shitload of fuck (ah, I cursed
Top Cat was playing a ukulele. "I'm going to predict the future!", said Top Cat. "All the hipsters of the future will play ukuleles and think they're cool. And wear fedoras and have My Little Pony dolls underneath their armpits." Well, thank you, Top Cat!
A chill went down my spine. My spine, that may as well have been stuck inside the VHS player.
Then a female cat appeared. A female cat wearing pink, with a beautiful bowtie in her hair. Well this was curious! Was this episode going to get cute all of a sudden, because so far, it was just vulgar. "Hello there, Top Cat.", said the nameless female cat. "Hello there, Mrs. Cat!", said Top Cat.
Suddenly, the tape turned to
I was ready to turn off the tape. I closed my eyes, and pretended I was in a faraway land somewhere, but that didn't work. I fell asleep (thank god for working really hard). When I woke up several hours later, the tape was still going. Could this tape have truly been several hours long? I tried pressing rewind with my tongue, but that didn't work (shit, I always knew I had a stubby little tongue). I continued watching the tape.
Top Cat was eating out of the trash, except this time it was footage of an actual cat eating out of the trash. He was
However, it was approaching morning and it was time for work, so I tried really, really hard to rip myself away from the VHS player.
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It wasn't working. I couldn't budge a muscle! I tried again, and again, and again. It didn't work.
I woke up in hell. Satan was there. He was wearing a McDonald's uniform for some reason, but that's okay. "Can I take your order?", Satan said. He sounded an awful lot like Batman. Maybe Christian Bale was Satan all along. "Yeah, I'd like a Big Mac and a large Arch Deluxe.", I responded. "No, stop, you're in hell."
Suddenly, the McDonald's uniform changed. Satan, right before my very eyes,
The Richmeister was Satan all along.
"Hey, Mr. Top Cat, making copies! Leaving the corpse, inside of 7-11!"
Well friends, I'm going to make a long story short. I now work in 7-11 in hell. I eat fish bones out of the garbage, and I play the ukulele. I make copies in the copy machine in the corner. Copies of 50 Shades of Grey. Which I am destined to create for the rest of eternity and give out to morbidly obese middle-aged housewives.
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You know, I didn't expect us to actually be judged for our misdeeds in life, but it turns out that we do. Up until that point, I was regarded as a straightforward, good-hearted Protestant man. But now I'm in hell. I'll always be in hell.
I guess the moral of the story is, if you ever come across something strange, like a VHS tape or any other sort of residuals from the
Because
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