American President Theory: Difference between revisions

He was the Mayor of Baltimore. Governor of Maryland. In-charge of the Democratic Governors Association. All of this gave him a minor sense of name recognition, but there was still a mystique about him that prevented him from ever pulling more than a percent or two in any state. How could this be possible for a politician who goes on late night television, plays the electric guitar, and has beach photos disseminated of his muscle-bound physique? Certainly, someone like him should have won more votes against a candidate with unfavorables as high as Clinton's, and against another candidate who, love him or not, was socialistic and therefore would be heavily embraced by some voters while just as forcibly opposed by others. Clearly, there's something wrong with this picture. How was O’MalleyO'Malley not more successful at the ballot box?

You see…see... in the case of Martin O'Malley, there was always something ‘different’'different' about him. It wasn't that he came off as mean-spirited or otherwise dislikable, but it always felt like something wasn't entirely 'there'. Almost as if there was something... 'alien' about him. My theory is that there’sthere's a very powerful reason for that: you see, remember when I said that ''people'' aren’taren't capable of sustaining long-term collaborations with one another?

That’sThat's right.

I’mI'm saying that he’she's not of this Earth.

He…He... is an alien.

So, how do we end up with the Richard Nixons and Donald Trumps of this world? How do we reach the abysmal lows of the Monica Lewinsky affair, Watergate, and the Iraq War? It’sIt's actually very simple: very faulty people have been running for President, getting nominated, and winning the Presidency, because the other side doesn’tdoesn't understand people well enough to get elected. Ross Perot? Alien. Michael Dukakis? Obviously alien. Martin O’O' Malley? Right. It’sIt's just as I said earlier.

O’Malley’sO'Malley's actual name might be a lengthy serial number, or maybe he’she's known as ‘Kelgar'Kelgar, King of Reptilians.’' What do I know? The fact of the matter is that I don’tdon't know, and beyond his positions, we didn’tdidn't know much about him because he’she's not ''from'' here. Notice that Perot and Dukakis have stopped chiming in on politics very often, too. There’sThere's a reason for that: they went back to their true homes, and only occasionally show up here again to keep the whole charade going. When you have faster than light travel, it’sit's easy to return to our ocean blue and grass green oblate spheroid, express a casual little remark that won’twon't register with too many, and then head back to your real home far off in some distant galaxy where you can unzip your flesh suit and live in remorse that--no matter how hard you tried--you couldn’tcouldn't keep the petty, war-torn, xenophobic earthlings from coming yet another step closer to their total annihilation.

Shall we play a game? It seems so, but only because we don’tdon't allow the intergalactic peacemakers to take us higher, to their place far off into the distant cosmos.