Attack of the Bug-Eyed Coat Hanger: Difference between revisions

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Anyway, I walked back into my house to see that my dad was alive and well, except for the bandages on his head where his cysts used to be. As I went into the family room to do some research on dealing with living furniture, I heard my dad cussing his head off out of frustration, followed by a choking noise. I rushed into the living room to see what the matter was. I wish I hadn’t.
Anyway, I walked back into my house to see that my dad was alive and well, except for the bandages on his head where his cysts used to be. As I went into the family room to do some research on dealing with living furniture, I heard my dad cussing his head off out of frustration, followed by a choking noise. I rushed into the living room to see what the matter was. I wish I hadn’t.


The coat hanger was back with its arms regenerated (although its hands were black this time around). I caught it in the act of shoving a bar of soap down my father’s throat. It turned its head to me and said “Your mother will be sucking stalagmites in the Inferno, Zimloki, you faithless slime!” Infuriated, I chased that coat hanger clear across the house until we got outside, where I took out an ax and hacked it to pieces. When I went back inside the house, I heard multiple wooden footsteps.
The coat hanger was back with its arms regenerated (although its hands were black this time around). I caught it in the act of shoving a bar of soap down my father’s throat. It turned its head to me and said “Your mother will be sucking stalagmites in the Inferno, Haywood Krueger, you faithless slime!” Infuriated, I chased that coat hanger clear across the house until we got outside, where I took out an ax and hacked it to pieces. When I went back inside the house, I heard multiple wooden footsteps.


I looked out the window and saw a whole army of identical coat hangers marching towards the door, armed with Springfield M1903 rifles in Mannlicher-Schönauer carbine stocks with M1917 bayonets and Pedersen Devices. Some even looked like dwarf spiders. Without hesitation, I called the police and they responded immediately, knowing that I wasn’t kidding due to the incidents that occurred the previous morning. I was suddenly grabbed by a giant hand. It was connected to a wooden dragon that resembled a mix between Ridley from the ''Metroid'' Series and Solaris from ''Sonic Next-Gen''. With ax still in hand, I swung at the monster’s arm, causing it to drop me. I got up on my feet to see it dropping the ax on one of its own minions, cutting it in half to let it regenerate into two separate coat hangers. “What do you want from me!” I shouted.
I looked out the window and saw a whole army of identical coat hangers marching towards the door, armed with Springfield M1903 rifles in Mannlicher-Schönauer carbine stocks with M1917 bayonets and Pedersen Devices. Some even looked like dwarf spiders. Without hesitation, I called the police and they responded immediately, knowing that I wasn’t kidding due to the incidents that occurred the previous morning. I was suddenly grabbed by a giant hand. It was connected to a wooden dragon that resembled a mix between Ridley from the ''Metroid'' Series and Solaris from ''Sonic Next-Gen''. With ax still in hand, I swung at the monster’s arm, causing it to drop me. I got up on my feet to see it dropping the ax on one of its own minions, cutting it in half to let it regenerate into two separate coat hangers. “What do you want from me!” I shouted.


“Your life,” the lead coat hanger replied as it looked down towards me. “You see, Zimloki, I am the ghost of a member of a future terrorist organization known as CZAR, the Christian Zealotry of America and Russia. We’ll be founded under the impression that nobody practices Christianity the way they used to because the Devil has corrupted the world. So, we’ll go out of our way to convert everyone through paramilitary force.”
“Your life,” the lead coat hanger replied as it looked down towards me. “You see, I am the ghost of a member of a future terrorist organization known as CZAR, the Christian Zealotry of America and Russia. We’ll be founded under the impression that nobody practices Christianity the way they used to because the Devil has corrupted the world. So, we’ll go out of our way to convert everyone through paramilitary force.”


Confused by this revelation, I asked, “what does Christian extremism have to do with me?” The lead coat hanger replied, “You would direct an animated movie that would unintentionally insult the Catholic Church, depicting them as religious extremists. The controversy surrounding that film would open a can of worms, ranging from a holy war between these United States and the European Union, to national socialists blaming economic depressions on the Autism Spectrum, to a third world war. My goal is to prevent all of that from happening by going back in time to eradicate you, thus erasing that abomination of a cartoon flick from existence.”
Confused by this revelation, I asked, “what does Christian extremism have to do with me?” The lead coat hanger replied, “You would direct an animated movie that would unintentionally insult the Catholic Church, depicting them as religious extremists. The controversy surrounding that film would open a can of worms, ranging from a holy war between these United States and the European Union, to national socialists blaming economic depressions on the Autism Spectrum, to a third world war. My goal is to prevent all of that from happening by going back in time to eradicate you, thus erasing that abomination of a cartoon flick from existence.”
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