Attack of the Bug-Eyed Coat Hanger: Difference between revisions

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[[File:Bug-Eyed Coat Hanger.jpg|thumb|391x391px]]
[[File:Bug-Eyed Coat Hanger.jpg|thumb|391x391px]]

As I go to church every Sunday, I often come across a coat hanger standing right next to the Clerk’s office. I never trusted that thing because I never wore a coat to church and it seems to have eyes like those of an alien or a bug, but that doesn’t stop me from toying with it. One night, I heard what sounded like wooden footsteps and then a knock on my bedroom door. I was too tired to see who was knocking.
As I go to church every Sunday, I often come across a coat hanger standing right next to the Clerk’s office. I never trusted that thing because I never wore a coat to church and it seems to have eyes like those of an alien or a bug, but that doesn’t stop me from toying with it. One night, I heard what sounded like wooden footsteps and then a knock on my bedroom door. I was too tired to see who was knocking.


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The coat hanger was back with its arms regenerated (although its hands were black this time around). I caught it in the act of shoving a bar of soap down my father’s throat. It turned its head to me and said “Your mother will be sucking stalagmites in the Inferno, Haywood Krueger, you faithless slime!” Infuriated, I chased that coat hanger clear across the house until we got outside, where I took out an ax and hacked it to pieces. When I went back inside the house, I heard multiple wooden footsteps.
The coat hanger was back with its arms regenerated (although its hands were black this time around). I caught it in the act of shoving a bar of soap down my father’s throat. It turned its head to me and said “Your mother will be sucking stalagmites in the Inferno, Haywood Krueger, you faithless slime!” Infuriated, I chased that coat hanger clear across the house until we got outside, where I took out an ax and hacked it to pieces. When I went back inside the house, I heard multiple wooden footsteps.


I looked out the window and saw a whole army of identical coat hangers marching towards the door, armed with Springfield M1903 rifles in Mannlicher-Schönauer carbine stocks with M1917 bayonets and Pedersen Devices. Some even looked like dwarf spiders. Without hesitation, I called the police and they responded immediately, knowing that I wasn’t kidding due to the incidents that occurred the previous morning. I was suddenly grabbed by a giant hand. It was connected to a wooden dragon that resembled a mix between Ridley from the ''Metroid'' Series and Solaris from ''Sonic Next-Gen''. With ax still in hand, I swung at the monster’s arm, causing it to drop me. I got up on my feet to see it dropping the ax on one of its own minions, cutting it in half to let it regenerate into two separate coat hangers. “What do you want from me!” I shouted.
I looked out the window and saw a whole army of identical coat hangers marching towards the door, armed with Springfield M1903 rifles in Mannlicher-Schönauer carbine stocks with M1917 bayonets and Pedersen Devices. Some even looked like dwarf spiders. Without hesitation, I called the police and they responded immediately, knowing that I wasn’t kidding due to the incidents that occurred the previous morning. I was suddenly grabbed by a giant hand. It was connected to a wooden dragon that resembled a mix between Ridley from the Metroid Series and Solaris from Sonic Next-Gen. With ax still in hand, I swung at the monster’s arm, causing it to drop me. I got up on my feet to see it dropping the ax on one of its own minions, cutting it in half to let it regenerate into two separate coat hangers. “What do you want from me!” I shouted.


“Your life,” the lead coat hanger replied as it looked down towards me. “You see, I am the ghost of a member of a future terrorist organization known as CZAR, the Christian Zealotry of America and Russia. We’ll be founded under the impression that nobody practices Christianity the way they used to because the Devil has corrupted the world. So, we’ll go out of our way to convert everyone through paramilitary force.”
“Your life,” the lead coat hanger replied as it looked down towards me. “You see, I am the ghost of a member of a future terrorist organization known as CZAR, the Christian Zealotry of America and Russia. We’ll be founded under the impression that nobody practices Christianity the way they used to because the Devil has corrupted the world. So, we’ll go out of our way to convert everyone through paramilitary force.”
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