Bill Clinton almost killed me (jokepasta)

This is a highly exaggerated satirical piece and did not actually happen.

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I graduated high school in 1996 and went to a small Pennsylvania state college. My major at the time was cultural anthropology, because I always liked human behavior and how people acted within their own culture.

I learned the college I went to offered a study abroad program, where I could earn a semester's worth of credits towards my major, so then I knew that's what I wanted to do.

The only thing was I had very little money. I couldn't go to the more mainstream places like the United Kingdom or Italy because they were too expensive.

I decided to go to the cheapest study abroad program which was in the University of Novi Pazar, which was in Serbia, Yugoslavia and is walking distance to Kosovo.

For the spring semester of 1998, I booked my flight to Yugoslavia, which left the day after Christmas.

I was given very little information about the program other than my contact person was a guy named Larz.

I rarely used the internet. My high school didn't have computers or the internet, so I did zero online research about Yugoslavia, but I did know it was a European country, which was good enough for me. I relied on the information provided to me on the brochure.

After taking a long flight to Europe, then two additional connecting flights, I finally made it to the small airport in Kosovo, where I would be taken to the University in Serbia.

I waited for about three hours for Larz to come pick me up and when he arrived, I greeted him with a smile.

I was excited to be in Europe for the first time and in a country that I really knew nothing about.

Larz dropped me off in my "dorm" which I'm fairly certain was a converted communist era military barracks. I was shown to my room which only had a bed and a radio and contained nothing else.

Larz gave me a layout of the local town and said he would be back sometime in the future to check in on me.

There was no one else in the dorm.

I unpacked my bags and turned the radio on. The only English spoken station I got was the BBC.

I was tired but I was also excited to explore the town.

I quickly learned that my assumption that everyone spoke English was wrong. Nobody understood a word I said. I bought a few food items from town and returned to my dorm.

The University was empty because of Christmas break.

A week went by and I spoke to no one. Larz didn't come back yet to check up on me.

I had no phone and no way to communicate with anyone. I really didn't care to much because I knew the semester was going to start soon and I was sure that there would be a ton of college kids that would want to meet an American.

The one thing that was worrisome was the increase in Military presence, that I didn't see when I first arrived.

When I was in my room, the BBC was overtaken with news stories of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.

Then one night, I listened to a brief news report about Slobodan Milosevic and the rising tension in Kosovo.

I almost pissed my pants because I was in walking distance from Kosovo.

Classes were supposed to start in a couple days and there was no one on campus. No teachers, no administrators, ... no one.

Then, I started to hear gunshots at night. The shots sounded more from a distance away, but it still terrified me.

Eventually, I would here more and more stories on the BBC about the rising tensions in the area I was staying.

I guess school was cancelled. The first day had come and there was absolutely no one on campus and still no word from Larz.

The BBC stories started to utter genocide.

At this point, I didn't leave my room for anything. I just hoped that my parents notified the U.S. government about where I was located. I had sent letters to my parents with my return address on it.

Then something awful happened. Bill Clinton got on the radio renouncing Serbia and their atrocities and hinting towards a war.

Then, I realized I was in the middle of a war zone and being an American, I was on the wrong side of the border.

I had kept every light off in my room to hide my existence.

One night, I had fallen asleep and was quickly awakened by heavy footsteps coming towards my room.

I quickly threw myself under the bed. I had been buying food in town with dollars and I thought somebody had found me.

Then I heard a man call me by my name and it was Larz.

He was dressed in army fatigues and he had a rifle strapped around one of his shoulders. He told me "you have to get out of here you only have a few days before this area will be turned into a military headquarters." He said "if anyone finds out your an American they will kill you."

I said "what am I supposed to do?" He replied " go west and cross the border into Montenegro". He explained any other direction I wouldn't have a chance. I said "How am I supposed to get there" he replied "I don't know but they will also kill me if they find out I was talking to you.

He said he had to go and threw a compass on my bed before he left. Luckily, I had been a Boy Scout and learned the basics on how to use a compass.

I decided to stay in the room until I could come up with a plan on how to leave the dorm.

There were continual bombs that went off around my dorm. I really didn't know where the explosions were coming from.

Then it started to happen, I would peak out my window and watch civilians be marched against this brick building and mowed down by a firing squad.

That's when I knew my time was up. I was a 19 year old male in the middle of a war zone.

Besides the compass, I didn't bring anything with me when I left the dorm. I even left my dollars for the fear someone would know I was an American.

I knew even making it out of my dorm alive was a long shot.

I knew there was a river not far away and figured that would be a good terrain to hide myself.

It was 3:00 am in the morning and I inched my way to the river. The weather was freezing, but I didn't feel it because my adrenaline was rushing.

I had to appear like I wasn't the enemy and more or less just come across as a local citizen.

I'm not sure how far I made it but eventually I could sense a man walking directly towards me in military clothes. He got close to me and uttered words that made no sense to me. I kind of gave him a nod,then his voice turned louder and more vulgar.

Then I just ran. He fired a gun and his shots wizzed right by my ear.

I didn't turn around but I could tell I was being hunted by multiple people.

As I ran, I saw a man-hole sewer cover. I hastily removed the cover then I jumped into the sewer and quickly put the iron cover back on.

It was pitch dark in the sewer, besides the moon light that came through the holes in the iron cover.

I didn't move an inch. Eventually the running footsteps stopped and The sunlight was starting to shed light in the sewer.

The smell was so awful that eventually my sense of smell just gave up and i stopped smelling the awfulness.

I assumed the smell was raw sewage but it was something much more sinister.

As the sunlight shined more light in the sewer, I realized that I was surrounded by a countless amount of dead bodies stacked up on each other.

What I thought was sewage water was actually a pool of blood.

Eventually, I pulled myself together and realized i had to get out of the sewer.

What I saw in the sewer were a lot of dead older women. I came up with a plan to take the clothes off the bodies and conceal myself as an old woman.

it took me a while because the majority of the clothes were covered in blood. Finally, I decided to focus on wearing black clothes that concealed. the blood stains.

So I got all dressed up to look like an old lady and even wrapped my head to look like a babushka lady.

I pushed off the iron cover from the sewer, then i quickly climbed out and i didn't bother putting the cover back on.

It was still early in the morning and there were very few people out. I tried to get as far from the sewer as I could and then made a quick calculation with the compass.

I ditched the river idea. i knew with the freezing weather the water would kill me.

So I walked slowly like an old lady would with my head down the whole time.

I found a road that I eventually realized headed in a westward direction.

I had no water or food but i knew I had to just go until I collapsed.

I walked for 24 hours straight. The shoes were so ill fitting that eventually my toes went numb.

I passed by countless soldiers, whom i'm guessed thought I was just another local old lady. I never picked my head up and only would peak at my compass for reassurance.

Every time I crossed over a hill I thought perhaps I would see a border or something that resembled a different country.

I passed by so many dead body that I didn't bother to count. I just walked around them.

Then from a distance, I saw a border crossing was set up along a road.

There was a long line of people waiting to get into Montenegro and though I could barely stand I forced myself to wait in line.

Luckily, there were U.N. Peacekeepers at the border who spoke English and allowed me through.

The U.N. arranged a flight for me and I was able to fly back home.

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Credited to mtp6921 

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