Blood Whistle but I wrote it from memory: Difference between revisions

5000 followers already? Bitchin'. Anyway, World 2. Everything was bloodstained and pentagrams were everywhere. Is this a product of the Illuminati? The Blood Saxophone conveyed Mario across the map and selected a level, a flat desert. The Blood Clarinet flew out of Mario as he was given a Raccoon Tail for free, and flew. He actually looked happy for once, the sad sack. 10 Minutes passed, and then Mario stopped. He was now pleading for thirst (which is pretty weird considering he's already quite thirsty and could probably go for a Dasani right about now) and collapsed to the floor. The Blood Bagpipe, looking to kick Mario while he's down, stabbed him in the chest again. The level ended and Mario was moved to a pyramid. As the level began, I noticed the demons flying in the background. Mario was being carried by King Koopa's Kids (don't abbreviate that) up the blood-stained pyramid. At the top was King Koopa, looking at least 2.75 times scarier than usual. Kookie handed Koopa a knife, which he used to Kali-Ma Mario's heart. Mario screamed. He asked "Why?", to which Koopa replied by eating Mario's heart like it was one of those fried pieces of dough you get at county fairs. The camera panned up, revealing a neon sign reading "BLOOD OCARINA". On cue, the Blood Harmonica then stabbed Mario in the heart. This is where the level ends.

 

Whoever reported my blog to campus police is a total cunt plantation. Anyways, World 3 time. As expected, the water was blood. I selected the level. Mario was swimming in an ocean of blood, only adding to it with the gaping wound in his stomach. He hit a funny-colored Question Mark Block, which a Fire Mushroom (Not a Fire Flower, completely different) popped out. Mario collected it, and a swarm of fish arrived. Particularly ravenous fish. I could tell what Mario was thinking (Oh yeah he's alive I think): "Let's toast the fuckers!", to which I agreed. I guided Mario over to a fish and lobbed a fireball (Why is it burning underwater? Guess it's a flaming ball of tar) at it, charring it to the bone. Another fish approached. Another fireball lobbed. Another charred corpse. This repeated for some time until we (Me and Mario) found an even funnier-colored Question Mark Block. Mario hit it, and out popped the eponymous bassoon. I then lost control and Mario was devoured by fish because he's a codependent schmuck who needs help to wipe his ass. On cue, the Blood Duduk stabbed Mario, leading to World 4.

 

50000? You guys are too kind. Anyways, Mario torture. World 4 was mostly the same, just with the added gore. Funnily enough, it took me my entire life of playing Mario 3 to notice that Giant Land was shaped like a turtle. Oh, yeah, murder. I selected the level and entered a gray version of the normal 4-1. The enemies weren't moving. Not because they were dead, mind you. Then, the Blood Dulcian appeared making all the enemies lose their shit and kill themselves. Small Goombas piled into a death pit in a neat single file line because they have a monthly drill for this sort of thing. A Koopa bashed his face in on a pipe. A Goomba did a rather impressive jump and landed on his head, exploding like a chestnut-adjacent flesh balloon. Not wanting Mario to miss out, the Blood Didgeridoo stabbed him again, ending the level once again. This time a letter from Peach appeared. It was an animation of Bowser covering her mouth from behind and corrupting her like those comics my roommate won't stop jerking off to when I'm trying to study. It led to World 5.

 

It's the anniversary of D-Day. A day of sorrow equal to my experience with a scary ROM hack. Last night, I had the strangest dream. I was in 4th grade, sailing in a small rowboat to China. To pass the time, I was playing the Panpipes. Then I puked up blood. And got stabbed with the Blood Fife. World 5 was just a Toad House. Toad was in a guillotine, and the slots rolled. I fucked up, and Toad got decap'd. And stabbed with the Blood Cornett. Then World 6 happened.

 

World 6 was made of frozen blood. The level had Mario with another Raccoon Leaf. He flew again and looked happy. I flew for 20 Minutes (The exact amount of time it takes my roommate to wring his wang to underage oriental cartoons) as the weather in game turned colder and colder. Slowly, Mario slowed down and plopped on the ground with a comical thud. He slowly froze to death. Then the Blood Shawm stabbed him. World 7

 

Jack fucking shit happened in World 7. Blood Shakuhachi still stabbed Mario.

 

I'm going to kill myself because of what I've seen. By, Ma. By, Pa. By, Doc Boy, By, Liz. World 8 was worse than hell, even though it looked and functioned exactly like hell. THe last level was Koopa's Castle. I entered the whole Koopa Klan (Save for Kootie Pie) was strung upon the wall. Then possessed Peach appeared. Koopa pleaded for his life, but Peach said "It's Peaching time" and proceeded to Peach all over the Koopa Klan. She looked at Mario and said "I've got balls of steel!", before giving him a kiss on his cheek and stabbing him. Mario apologized to me for what I saw. After the text box closed (he was talking to me through text box, a video game speaking through the character through audible words is simply Ludacris), the Deth Trumpet descended and stabbed Mario in the tummy one last time, leaving him looking like a big, fleshy, Italian doughnut. Peace out.

 

This goofy fucker somehow managed to stab himself in the neck with a goddamn wind instrument.

 

 

Now, this is a story all about how