Blood Whistle but I wrote it from memory

The College student who wrote this offed themselves.

ENTRY 1

Hello and welcome to my blog. My friend sent me a Mario 3 ROMhack titled SMB3BW. Nothing's changed so far. I should get the piccolo.

ENTRY 2

I shouldn't have gotten the flute. When I did the trick, All the stone's in Toad's house were black. Toad had a chunk out of his head and was bleeding a veritable bloodfall of blood. The text box appeared, reading "blood whistle. hear its cry". The recorder popped out of the chest and into Mario's gullet, closing the level. I was brought to the warp oboe island. The water was blood, the land was grey, and the Koopas were dry bones. Will be back later.

ENTRY 3

5000 followers already? Bitchin'. Anyway, World 2. Everything was bloodstained and pentagrams were everywhere. Is this a product of the Illuminati? The Blood Saxophone conveyed Mario across the map and selected a level, a flat desert. The Blood Clarinet flew out of Mario as he was given a Raccoon Tail for free, and flew. He actually looked happy for once, the sad sack. 10 Minutes passed, and then Mario stopped. He was now pleading for thirst (which is pretty weird considering he's already quite thirsty and could probably go for a Dasani right about now) and collapsed to the floor. The Blood Bagpipe, looking to kick Mario while he's down, stabbed him in the chest again. The level ended and Mario was moved to a pyramid. As the level began, I noticed the demons flying in the background. Mario was being carried by King Koopa's Kids (don't abbreviate that) up the blood-stained pyramid. At the top was King Koopa, looking at least 2.75 times scarier than usual. Kookie handed Koopa a knife, which he used to Kali-Ma Mario's heart. Mario screamed. He asked "Why?", to which Koopa replied by eating Mario's heart like it was one of those fried pieces of dough you get at county fairs. The camera panned up, revealing a neon sign reading "BLOOD OCARINA". On cue, the Blood Harmonica then stabbed Mario in the heart. This is where the level ends.

ENTRY 4

Whoever reported my blog to campus police is a total cunt plantation. Anyways, World 3 time. As expected, the water was blood. I selected the level. Mario was swimming in an ocean of blood, only adding to it with the gaping wound in his stomach. He hit a funny-colored Question Mark Block, which a Fire Mushroom (Not a Fire Flower, completely different) popped out. Mario collected it, and a swarm of fish arrived. Particularly ravenous fish. I could tell what Mario was thinking (Oh yeah he's alive I think): "Let's toast the fuckers!", to which I agreed. I guided Mario over to a fish and lobbed a fireball (Why is it burning underwater? Guess it's a flaming ball of tar) at it, charring it to the bone. Another fish approached. Another fireball lobbed. Another charred corpse. This repeated for some time until we (Me and Mario) found an even funnier-colored Question Mark Block. Mario hit it, and out popped the eponymous bassoon. I then lost control and Mario was devoured by fish because he's a codependent schmuck who needs help to wipe his ass. On cue, the Blood Duduk stabbed Mario, leading to World 4.

ENTRY 4

50000? You guys are too kind. Anyways, Mario torture. World 4 was mostly the same, just with the added gore. Funnily enough, it took me my entire life of playing Mario 3 to notice that Giant Land was shaped like a turtle. Oh, yeah, murder. I selected the level and entered a gray version of the normal 4-1. The enemies weren't moving. Not because they were dead, mind you. Then, the Blood Dulcian appeared making all the enemies lose their shit and kill themselves. Small Goombas piled into a death pit in a neat single file line because they have a monthly drill for this sort of thing. A Koopa bashed his face in on a pipe. A Goomba did a rather impressive jump and landed on his head, exploding like a chestnut-adjacent flesh balloon. Not wanting Mario to miss out, the Blood Didgeridoo stabbed him again, ending the level once again. This time a letter from Peach appeared. It was an animation of Bowser covering her mouth from behind and corrupting her like those comics my roommate won't stop jerking off to when I'm trying to study. It led to World 5.

ENTRY 5

It's the anniversary of D-Day. A day of sorrow equal to my experience with a scary ROM hack. Last night, I had the strangest dream. I was in 4th grade, sailing in a small rowboat to China. To pass the time, I was playing the Panpipes. Then I puked up blood. And got stabbed with the Blood Fife. World 5 was just a Toad House. Toad was in a guillotine, and the slots rolled. I fucked up, and Toad got decap'd. And stabbed with the Blood Cornett. Then World 6 happened.

ENTRY 6

World 6 was made of frozen blood. The level had Mario with another Raccoon Leaf. He flew again and looked happy. I flew for 20 Minutes (The exact amount of time it takes my roommate to wring his wang to underage oriental cartoons) as the weather in game turned colder and colder. Slowly, Mario slowed down and plopped on the ground with a comical thud. He slowly froze to death. Then the Blood Shawm stabbed him. World 7

ENTRY 7

Jack fucking shit happened in World 7. Blood Shakuhachi still stabbed Mario.

ENTRY 8

I'm going to kill myself because of what I've seen. By, Ma. By, Pa. By, Doc Boy, By, Liz. World 8 was worse than hell, even though it looked and functioned exactly like hell. The last level was Koopa's Castle. I entered and saw the whole Koopa Klan (Save for Kootie Pie) was strung upon the wall. Then possessed Peach appeared. Koopa pleaded for his life, but Peach said "It's Peaching time" and proceeded to Peach all over the Koopa Klan. She looked at Mario and said "I've got balls of steel!", before giving him a kiss on his cheek and stabbing him. Mario apologized to me for what I saw. After the text box closed (he was talking to me through text box, a video game speaking through the character through audible words is simply Ludacris), the Deth Trumpet descended and stabbed Mario in the tummy one last time, leaving him looking like a big, fleshy, Italian doughnut. Peace out.

This goofy fucker somehow managed to stab himself in the neck with a goddamn wind instrument.

POST-MORTEM RAP BREAK

Now, this is a story all about how

My life got flipped-turned upside down

And I'd like to take a minute

Just sit right there

I'll tell you how I found a flute which gave me great despair

In some elementary school, in 4th grade

In the music hall was where I spent most of my days

Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin', all cool

And all flutin' some b-sharps out my big bassoon

When a flute did arise and was up to no good

Started making trouble in my neighborhood

It got in my little throat and I bled right there

I promptly woke up in my bed having stained my downstairs

I blogged and played Nintendo day after day

But my friend showed me a hack and sent me on my way

He gave me the patch, to a ROM' where I would stick it

I opened Nesticle and said, "The flute should be the ticket"

Toad's dead, yo this is bad

Spurtin' out blood and parked on his ass

Is this the flute the plumber's chest doth strike?

Hmm, Mario won't be alright

But wait, I hear the music, fucked up, all that

Did the Illuminati make this piece of cheap tat?

I don't think that

Peach is fully there

The bitch's possessed, Bowser best be beware.

Well, the tornado landed, spat Mario out

To a land of torture, built to rip his heart out

I won't make a D-Day reference yet, I just got here

Then a flute stabbed Mario, right in his rear

It whistled for a stab and when it hit my ear

It sounded so real, and it gave me great fear

If anything I could't guess how Mario'd fare

But I thought "Nah, I'll just kill myself, right in this chair"

I finished my blog about seven or eight

And I yelled to the plumber, "I'm gone, peace out mate"

I looked at my trachea

I'd put a flute there

And that's how I got the Blood Whistle outta my hair

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