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Upon further investigating the envelope, I found a CD inside. When I looked at the front of the CD, I saw it was written on with a Rosy Pink Crayola type marker. The CD simply said "clOUd." I don't know why that idiot of a friend of mine wrote it like that. Was he trying to be a douche? Why didn't he just put FFVII? It would've made more sense. And Rosy Pink? I'm not even going to comment on that. My friend wasn't completely right in the head anyway, at least I think so. This is a perfect time for a random flashback, so take a minute pop a bag of popcorn, fix a ham sandwich, wash your dirty ass or do whatever you have to right now because you don't want to miss this flashback.
I remember when we were kids, playing in the arcade while Mom went to do her nails or go shopping or whatever she done when she finally could get rid of me for a while. So, Mom gave me five dollars in quarters before dropping my friend and me off in front of the arcade. I seriously don't even remember her coming to a full stop. Anyway, we went in and played our favorite game; Mortal Kombat. I was never any good at the game, but there was a lot of blood and gore and things my tiny eyes weren't supposed to see and I got a thrill out of that. So, after a couple of hours of playing in the arcade, we eventually ran out of quarters. We went on a frantic search to find quarters that people carelessly dropped before the
Well, Johnny's mom took us to Johnny's house as my mom had called Johnny's mom to ask her to pick us up. We were used to being tossed around between moms. It was like their little game of Hot Potato, and we were the potatoes. Whoever got stuck with us last would have to keep us. While we were at Johnny's house, the plumber had to come over to fix a drain in the kitchen. Johnny and I went in the kitchen to get something to drink when we saw the most horrible thing anyone can ever see. We saw the dreaded plumber's crack! Johnny came up with an idea and he told me what it was. I told him not to do it, as I knew we would end up in big trouble. Long story short, Johnny saw the plumber's ass crack as an
Knowing some of the crazy things that Johnny has done in the past and how a few screws in his head has come completely loose, I could let this sorry excuse for a CD pass. So, I decided to play this CD not out of curiosity or love for Final Fantasy, but for the simple fact that I ran out of proper lubricants for manual pleasure. When I put the CD in my computer, a file popped up and it was called
The Final Fantasy VII logo began dripping this crimson liquid off of it. "What in the eternal blazes of Hell's ass crack is going on?" I wondered. Suddenly, a crimson rain came pouring down. The screen started slowly scrolling upwards. None of this was normal, and I was shitting bricks. I mean, I was shitting so many bricks, I could build a little shit brick house and put a little shit picket fence around it. So, after going through four rolls of toilet tissue and two packs of moist wipes, I continued to play this abomination of a game. I know I'm horrified and I just built a little shit house, but I just shrugged it off and said, "Meh. I'll keep on going."
When the screen had rolled up as far as it would go, it revealed Cloud's giant blade, covered in what could only be described as SUPER-DUPER, ULTIMATE HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD TO THE THIRD DEGREE TIMES THE SQUARE ROOT OF E=MC SQUARED! I felt more bricks passing through my large intestine, but I managed to keep them held in. There was a prompt that told me to press start, and I did. That's when I heard Mario's demonic voice say,
As I went forward, the textbox from Pokémon came up. It read, "A wild Pikachu appeared!" Pikachu came scurrying across the screen from the other side and stopped when he saw Samus. A question mark popped above Samus' head as Pikachu stood erect, very interested in Samus. Pikachu ran up to Samus and began to do the strangest thing. There was a censored box that came up, blocking me from seeing what was happening with Pikachu and Samus. A textbox appeared saying, "Pikachu used Hip Thrust." When the move ended, Pikachu walked away from Samus with a huge smile on his face. Then, another text box appeared. "Hip Thrust was super effective. Pikachu's urges are now completely satisfied." But, before Pikachu could run away, Samus used her gun arm to blast Pikachu to smithereens. THERE WAS A LOT OF HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD AND MASSIVE GORE TO THE THOUSANDTH DEGREE TIMES INFINITY!
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From the sky came Sephiroth with his blade covered in this HYPER DIPPITY-DO-DA REALISTIC BLOOD TIMES THE SPEED OF LIGHT DIVIDED BY THE SPEED OF SOUND TIMES THE ROTATION OF THE EARTH AROUND THE SUN. I shit half of a brick after seeing this. I use it to prop my door open. Anyway, after this happened, the normal Final Fantasy dialogue box popped up.
It said, "Enough. The distraction served its purpose. Now, it is time for the truth to be
In the next scene, everything was pitch black. Then, Sephiroth appeared on the screen with Aerith's dead body (no hyper realistic blood this time) and Cloud's dead body. At that moment, everything came together a little. I was like, "Unholy Deception, Batman! Sephiroth was distracting me the whole time when I was
"Alas, I cannot be with you as you are now, Cloud. So, I will take your manhood away from you and you shall become a woman. But, you will need a female's body for this to work. This is why I have chosen Aerith. And now, I must begin my
Little hearts appeared over Sephiroth's head as he looked over his work, apparently very pleased with what he had just done. Then, he spoke. "It is done! I have created a marvelous work! From the darkest Cloud, I have brought
For the first time in my life, I prayed to a god I don't even believe is out there. If there was a god, he wouldn't have allowed a game to be created where you get to play as Cloud in his final stage of transitioning into a woman and now going by the name Lightning. And, he wouldn't have allowed them to produce sequel after sequel of this shit! I prayed that this god would find a more suitable punishment for me. Burn my eyes out! Cut off a hand! Grind off my dick with sandpaper! Send me straight to Hell! Anything but leave me with this! Now, I see why my friend was so afraid. And then, when I turned around, I think so much color left me that I was completely transparent now. What I saw behind me was a Lightning plush doll, dressed in Cloud's SOLDIER uniform and holding a toy model of Cloud's Blade.
My poor body couldn't take it anymore. I died right there on the spot and finished writing this as a ghost. Official cause of death: mind fucked all to pieces. What? It's all of a sudden a problem when I turn into a ghost and start messing with computers? Oh, I guess if I drowned and started playing music backwards in video games, you'd go all crazy over it, wouldn't you? To all my haters, I'll just use a quote from The Joker and Harley Quinn's goofy ass son. "GO TO SLEEP!"
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