Dr. Rabbit's Intergalactic Bright Smiles World Tour: Difference between revisions
Dr. Rabbit's Intergalactic Bright Smiles World Tour (view source)
Revision as of 07:06, 30 August 2023
, 8 months ago→top: replaced: … → ... (7)
m (→top: replaced: “ → " (16), ” → " (14), ’ → ' (35), ‘ → ' (2)) |
m (→top: replaced: … → ... (7)) |
||
Line 5:
I was at the Cincinnati Zoo library looking over the rentable VHS tapes. Fivel Goes West. The Secret of Nimh III: Ms. Frisbee Catches a Frisby. Air Bud 30: All Dogs Play Professional Poker Up in Heaven. But there was this one VHS tape that stood out above all the rest. Dr. Rabbit's Bright Smiles World Tour Part II. Wait a minute, now. A sequel to the Colgate mascot's journey to travel to different continents and teach the children about how brushing and flossing everyday can help you maintain bright smiles and put off the inevitability of your physical decay, as all carbon-based life forms are destined to one day die and retain no evidence of their previous existence and impact on society? I thought Colgate had moved on from the character, citing it as being a bit too juvenile because children were growing up faster now more than ever. Well, I just couldn't wait anymore. I picked up the VHS, flashed my library card to Mr. H at the front desk, and tore through my auntie's and uncie's closet for the coax cables so that I could hook up my VCR and relive my childhood before mommy and daddy's fleshy banana incident.
So, I stuck the VHS into the player and pressed play on the remote, but it didn't work. Could it be that the tape was haunted? Or maybe the remote was broken. Oh, whoops, turns out I forgot the batteries. Uncle Fil told me not to break into his cabinet and swipe off with his AAs because he needs them for his pacemaker but fuck it, I did it. This was Dr. Rabbit, after all, and as a really big fan of 'The Rabbit', you could say that the mischievous dentally-inclined lagomorph had possessed me with something sinister. I pressed play and it worked this time. Although my brain wouldn't work properly for much longer. Oh
Well, fuck me. It was a cartoon of Davy Crockett, and he was wrestling a bear wearing ladies' underpants. "
"And now for our Feature Presentation", a man in a flamboyant voice said. He made chewing sounds between words. I had a hunch that he was enjoying chocolate pudding. I'm a bit of a fan, myself. "Orifice!!!", he screamed. Well, that wasn't very nice. My ears were ringing. Perhaps the whole point of this VHS tape was that you could keep your teeth clean all you wanted, but you can't necessarily stop other parts of your body from failing? But no, I refused to believe it. And I felt a little bit better soon, '
"Hello there! I am Dr. Rabbit!". Ah, finally! My hero, the eponymous Dr. Rabbit, savior of our stolen youth and in no way engaged in terroristic drug deals with the Nicaraguan government, displayed on my television screen. "The world's only Rabbit Rabbit!".
Dr. Rabbit's eyes bulged so large that they were like pre-scrambled eggs generated from whatever they stick inside of Gumbys and Stretch Armstrong action figures. And
Dr. Rabbit appeared healthy and O.K. in the next panel. And next planet. He was on Mars now. "Helloooo, there! I, am Dr. Rabbit!". Something seemed off about him now, though. There was a one-eyed green alien that looked kind of like that little shit from Monsters Inc. on the reddened Martian soil. "Can you teach me about bright smiles, too?", he asked in a bullshit martian voice. "Oh nonononono.", Dr. Rabbit fiercely responded. "You're a Martian!". He threw a TV remote at the Martian's head and it cracked open and a pterodactyl flew out like its skull was an egg. O.K., forget it, I give up. I went to pick the licked up remote off the ground, but the remote was gone. Wait a minute, could it
Dr. Rabbit had stolen my remote!?
Line 21:
"And now it's time to turn you off!", Dr. Rabbit asserted. "Say cheese!" "Fuck yo—", I started to say. But it was too late. It was far too late for me. Dr. Rabbit had pressed the power button, and everything around me immediately went to black. Not faded. It was a lot like being zapped.
Now, listen, not existing is very painful, and I wouldn't recommend it to anybody. It gets rather boring, and I'm still awaiting divine judgment. In the meanwhile, whatever you
{{v|reading|c8WZ-_4lCg4}}
|