Dr. Rabbit's Intergalactic Bright Smiles World Tour
This is a fictional joke story written by DaveTheUseless. Don't take it seriously, fellas.
Hello, my name is John Bobbit Jr. and I am a sinner and this is my story. Some years ago my father had his wang chopped off by my crazy mother, when I was just a child and I had to go live at the zoo for several weeks. The reason why is because my aunt and uncle live there and work as custodial workers. It isn't bad of a life. I got to eat all the crackerjack I wanted and I tried to imitate my father by sticking a carrot down my pants but as you might imagine it didn't work so hot anyway that's enough about me let's talk about you. And how horrible life is going to get for you if you do not heed my words. There are people giving away free VHS tapes nowadays and they think they're good samaritans but they're really not. You may have heard on the internet about lost episodes, or rare one-off versions of popular television programs that went wrong and such. Hyperrealistic blood, bloodshot eyes, highly realistic gore, disheveled simulacra, but that was that and this is this and this happened to me and I need to let you know: look out. Look out. Look out. Before it's too late. It won't be great, if it ends up too late. For you.
I was at the Cincinnati Zoo library looking over the rentable VHS tapes. Fivel Goes West. The Secret of Nimh III: Ms. Frisbee Catches a Frisby. Air Bud 30: All Dogs Play Professional Poker Up in Heaven. But there was this one VHS tape that stood out above all the rest. Dr. Rabbit's Bright Smiles World Tour Part II. Wait a minute, now. A sequel to the Colgate mascot's journey to travel to different continents and teach the children about how brushing and flossing everyday can help you maintain bright smiles and put off the inevitability of your physical decay, as all carbon-based life forms are destined to one day die and retain no evidence of their previous existence and impact on society? I thought Colgate had moved on from the character, citing it as being a bit too juvenile because children were growing up faster now more than ever. Well, I just couldn't wait anymore. I picked up the VHS, flashed my library card to Mr. H at the front desk, and tore through my auntie's and uncie's closet for the coax cables so that I could hook up my VCR and relive my childhood before mommy and daddy's fleshy banana incident.
So, I stuck the VHS into the player and pressed play on the remote, but it didn't work. Could it be that the tape was haunted? Or maybe the remote was broken. Oh, whoops, turns out I forgot the batteries. Uncle Fil told me not to break into his cabinet and swipe off with his AAs because he needs them for his pacemaker but fuck it, I did it. This was Dr. Rabbit, after all, and as a really big fan of 'The Rabbit', you could say that the mischievous dentally-inclined lagomorph had possessed me with something sinister. I pressed play and it worked this time. Although my brain wouldn't work properly for much longer. Oh my...
Well, fuck me. It was a cartoon of Davy Crockett, and he was wrestling a bear wearing ladies' underpants. "Daaaavyyyy... Davy Crocket! King of the Wild Frontier!". He kicked the bear in the head and it held its head with its paws and then, I shit you not, Davy Crocket grabbed a swiss army knife out of his pocket and decapitated the grizzled bear, in one clean slash across the neck! Cartoon blood dripped all over the screen. It wasn't realistic, but it still was really messed up. Davy Crocket then grabbed something out of his other pocket with his teeth, lifted it to his mouth, and began masticating all over the screen. Then it hit me. It was a kit kat bar. Davy Jones Crocket started singing to the screen in a country-western vocal inflection. "Gimme a break, gimme a break. Break me off a piece-ah that kit kat bar, or I'll watch you when your sleep and break your legs in half John Bobbitt Jr." Ahhh, it was an advertisement. Holy shit, and he knew my name too. I attempted to press stop on the VCR but it didn't work. Could it be that the VHS tape was haunted? Or perhaps I had somehow broken the remote? Nope, the batteries flew out. A shiver went down my spine. I was scared to death that something terrible would happen to me, so I continued watching the tape.
"And now for our Feature Presentation", a man in a flamboyant voice said. He made chewing sounds between words. I had a hunch that he was enjoying chocolate pudding. I'm a bit of a fan, myself. "Orifice!!!", he screamed. Well, that wasn't very nice. My ears were ringing. Perhaps the whole point of this VHS tape was that you could keep your teeth clean all you wanted, but you can't necessarily stop other parts of your body from failing? But no, I refused to believe it. And I felt a little bit better soon, 'cause...
"Hello there! I am Dr. Rabbit!". Ah, finally! My hero, the eponymous Dr. Rabbit, savior of our stolen youth and in no way engaged in terroristic drug deals with the Nicaraguan government, displayed on my television screen. "The world's only Rabbit Rabbit!". Ehrrr... I had a hunch that wasn't true. "I'm back from Hell, to teach children all around the world about mastication!". The fuck. Hell? I guess it would make sense if he had been to Delaware recently. Sorry, that was a failed attempt at humor. Dr. Rabbit pulled a string on his hot air balloon and it went off flying into outer space. Now wait a minute, what the fuck, rabbits can't breathe in space. I covered my eyes, because I knew what would happen next. But it was too late.
Dr. Rabbit's eyes bulged so large that they were like pre-scrambled eggs generated from whatever they stick inside of Gumbys and Stretch Armstrong action figures. And then... it happened. For real, this time. Dr. Rabbit exploded. Highly realistic rabbit guts, gore, and sketch drawings of a 1930s Bugs Bunny littered the television screen. I threw the remote at the screen in sheer horror and disgust! The remote stuck to the screen though, because I forgot that I had been playing with gorilla glue earlier. I licked the gorilla glue off the screen and the remote fell off and shattered into a hundred million pieces.
Dr. Rabbit appeared healthy and O.K. in the next panel. And next planet. He was on Mars now. "Helloooo, there! I, am Dr. Rabbit!". Something seemed off about him now, though. There was a one-eyed green alien that looked kind of like that little shit from Monsters Inc. on the reddened Martian soil. "Can you teach me about bright smiles, too?", he asked in a bullshit martian voice. "Oh nonononono.", Dr. Rabbit fiercely responded. "You're a Martian!". He threw a TV remote at the Martian's head and it cracked open and a pterodactyl flew out like its skull was an egg. O.K., forget it, I give up. I went to pick the licked up remote off the ground, but the remote was gone. Wait a minute, could it be...
Dr. Rabbit had stolen my remote!?
"And now it's time to turn you off!", Dr. Rabbit asserted. "Say cheese!" "Fuck yo—", I started to say. But it was too late. It was far too late for me. Dr. Rabbit had pressed the power button, and everything around me immediately went to black. Not faded. It was a lot like being zapped.
Now, listen, not existing is very painful, and I wouldn't recommend it to anybody. It gets rather boring, and I'm still awaiting divine judgment. In the meanwhile, whatever you do... don't rent any mysterious VHS tapes from your local library or bookstore. Because, if you do. "Hello there! I am Dr. Death!" AHHh.
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