Emeril Lagasse's Lost Tape

I am going to tell you a story, my story to be precise. I was once just a normal guy who one night got hungry and decided to order a pizza. When the delivery guy showed up I gave him the money, he gave me my pizza, he asked me for a tip, I politely slammed the door in his face and we went our separate ways. I opened the box to find that there was no pizza inside. What kind of bullshit was this? I paid for just an empty box? I was hungry as hell and wasn't going to have that shit, so quickly I grabbed a gun and shot the pizza delivery guy before he left. I stole all of the pizzas out of his car, put the body in a garbage bag and threw it into a dumpster.

After that was all said and done, I started eating one of the stolen pizzas and realized something important: I needed a drink. I opened the fridge, looked inside and found that all of my beers were gone. I decided to smoke a cigarette to feel better about not having any beer left, but when I looked inside the pack, there were plenty of cigarettes. I took one out and tried to light it, but I couldn't because the lighter ran out of fluid. I promptly committed suicide.

The next thing I knew, I was in hell doing usual hell things like enduring constant torture, my skin melting and my eyeballs exploding, but after some years I got really tired of it all and decided to leave. I asked Satan to send me back and he said he would do it, but only if I spend the rest of eternity spreading his word. I agreed to the terms and conditions of being sent back because I didn't have anything better to do.

I woke up in a coffin underground, my whole body pretty much decayed and all that remained of me was my skeleton. I popped out of the grave and went back to my house, only to find that a Chinese family had moved in and turned it into a restaurant. I went in, asked for the pizzas I left there and it turned out that they got rid of them and asked me if I wanted to order some of their Chinese food. I didn't even like Chinese food or know anything about it for that matter, so I asked if they had ramen, which apparently was all they had because they were in poverty. I would've just walked out without ordering anything, but I needed to use the bathroom and they would only let me use it if I ordered something. After all that I left and tried to figure out how I could get more pizza. Instead of doing the obvious thing and ordering one, I decided to be a complete dumb ass and learn how to make pizza.

I went to the local Blockbuster to look for an Emeril Lagasse tape so I could learn how to cook like Emeril Lagasse the food god. The place had been closed for years, so I had to break a window to get in because the squatters in there wouldn't be good hosts and open the door. As a result of their poor hosting I had to murder them all. I looked through what was left of the old Blockbuster inventory and found a tape that had "emeril teaches you to not cook like shit" written on it a ridiculous font. I figured that was the closest thing I was going to find to what I was looking for, so I took it and put it in one of the VHS players.

Now I don't watch Emeril Lagasse so I have no idea how his show is supposed to begin but this fucking tape started off with Emeril just standing in the kitchen wearing some kind of military uniform. "ALRIGHT YOU MAGGOTS! I AM ADMIRAL LAGASSE AND TODAY I'M GONNA TEACH EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU DISGRACES TO MANKIND HOW TO MAKE PIZZA!" I couldn't even begin to wrap my head around what was going on in this tape. Emeril Lagasse was a drill sergeant? This didn't make any sense, but I kept watching anyway. "THE FIRST THING YOU'RE GONNA DO IS PICK UP A PHONE!" so I picked up a phone. "THEN YOU'RE GONNA ORDER A PIZZA!" so I ordered a pizza. "NOW DROP DOWN AND GIVE ME TWENTY!" so I stood up, pointed at the TV and said "Okay now fuck THAT shit!" Emeril didn't like this, so he reached his hand through the TV and started strangling me, not really causing any harm whatsoever to me because I'm a skeleton who is immune to strangling. "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME, YOU FUCKING MAGGOT? YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THE UNITED STATES ARMY! I AM ISSUING YOU A DISHONORABLE DISCHARGE, SOLDIER!"

I picked up a meat cleaver that the Blockbuster squatters were using to prepare rat meat for eating and chopped off Emeril's arm, causing it to fall to the ground. Now that I was free, I took out the tape, drenched it in gasoline, made a trail of it going outside, sparked a match and threw it on there, causing the Blockbuster to blow up, the tape inside going with it. Soon the pizza I ordered arrived, I paid for it, I actually got the pizza this time, I didn't kill the delivery guy and everything was alright. As I enjoyed the pizza I could hear Emeril Lagasse's voice calling to me, "YOU DID GOOD SOLDIER!" as his spirit rose from the pile of debris and I gave the American hero one final salute before finishing the pizza and raising an American flag where the Blockbuster once was.

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Written by Death Metal Skeleton
Content is available under CC BY-SA

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