How Jeff the Killer Fucked Up Christmas: Difference between revisions
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Once upon a time, there was a guy named Jeff the Killer. He was a fucked-up dude who hated everything and everyone, especially Christmas. In the town called FucksShitzville, everyone was preparing for Christmas. Everyone was happy and excited, except for Jeff the Killer. Jeff was also a grumpy motherfucker.
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Every year, Jeff would ruin Christmas for everyone in town. He would eat all the fucking presents, break all the fucking decorations, and piss on anyone who wished him a "Merry Christmas." No one could figure out why Jeff was such a fucking grump during the happiest time of the year.
Nobody quite knows the reason. Maybe it's that his ass wasn't screwed on just right. Or maybe it's because his pussy was just too tight. But I think that the most likely of them all was that he was pissed because his cock was two sizes too small.
But no matter the reason, he stood on his hill looking down the whole Christmas season and bitching to himself. Looking down at the FucksShitz with a fucking sour bitchy frown, at the warm windows of the cozy homes.
He fucking bitched with a sneer, "it's December 20th, Christmas is practically here, I must stop it from happening or every kid and adult will play with their new toys bright and early, oh the noise, if there's one thing I hate, it's all the fucking noise."
"They'll be skating with dick sucking machines on their feet, they'll be reading out loud the book, 'Why Bombs Are Really Neat', and they'll feast, and they'll eat, they'll treat themselves to Common-Shitz-Pudding and Rare-Fucks-Beef, oh Rare-Fucks-Beef is a feast I can't stand the least," Jeff the Killer said like a maniac.
"And what I hate most is after the feast, every FucksShitz, the midgets and the giants, will come together, spending the rest of the day singing and singing," Jeff whined. The more Jeff the Killer thought about the holiday, the more he thought, "I must put a stop to this madness, I've put up with it for 32, almost 33, years, I must try to stop it, but how?"
One day, Jeff woke up and decided he was going to do something about his fucked up attitude towards Christmas. He was going to find out why people loved it so much, and he was going to try and love it too.
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Jeff was soon out on his usual killing spree when he stumbled upon a group of people decorating a giant tree with colorful shit. He had never seen anything like that before and was fucking curious. So, he approached the group and asked them what the fuck they were doing.
The people were scared shitless of Jeff, but they managed to gather the courage to explain to him that they were decorating the tree for Christmas. Jeff had never really liked Christmas before, but he still was not intrigued.
So, he went around town, asking people why they loved Christmas so much. They all told him the same fucking thing - that it was a time for love, kindness, and giving. Jeff thought this was a bunch of bullshit, but he kept asking around.
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The people saw a chance to reform Jeff, so they decided to teach him the true meaning of Christmas. They invited him to a fucking party, and Jeff reluctantly agreed to go. He was not interested in any of that shit, but he wanted to see what the fuss was about.
At the party, Jeff met a guy named Santa Claus. Santa was a jolly
Jeff had never received a present before, and he was fucking confused. He didn't know what to do with it, so he opened it. It was a fucking ugly sweater with reindeer shit all over it. Jeff was pissed, but he didn't want to look like a fucking asshole, so he put it on.
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As the party continued, Jeff learned more about the meaning of Christmas. He realized that it was not about the gifts or the decorations, but about fucking love and kindness. Jeff had never experienced any of that shit before, but he was still not fucking touched.
After the party, Jeff was pissed and decided to put a fucking end to Christmas. He didn't want to see anyone happy or celebrating. Jeff decided that he wanted to fuck up Christmas for everyone in the town. He came up with a plan to ruin the holiday, and he was fucking excited to put it into action. Jeff thought of a wonderfully awful idea.
Jeff put on a fucking Santa costume, and with his fucking knife, he went to every house in town and stole all the fucking shitty presents and decorations.
Jeff snuck into the town on Christmas Eve, and he started stealing all the fucking presents. He took everything from the littlest toys to the biggest Christmas trees. He didn't even leave a crumb that's too small for even bacteria to eat. Jeff was on a fucking mission to destroy the holiday, and he was succeeding.
While he was stealing all the shit, a song played, "you're a bastard, Mr. Jeff," the signer said. "You really are a bitch, you're as cuddly as a tampon, you're as charming as a micropenis, Mr. Jeff, you're more of a jackass than a donkey who ate a horse's cock," they continued.
"You're a dickhead, with termites on your ass, you have all the sourness of a rotten lemon pie, Mr. Jeff, given the choice of you guys, I'd choose the rotten pie," the song sang.
"You're a bastard, Jeff the Killer, your heart's a black hole, your shits are filled with spiders, you have garlic in your brain, Mr. Jeff, I wouldn't wanna touch with a forty-five foot pole," the singer stated.
"You're a nasty bitch, Jeff, you're freakier than an eight-armed human, your face is paler than snow, your soul's filled with blood, Jeff the Killer, you're worse than a triple threat dictator, serial killer, and cultist," the song continued.
"You're a bastard, Mr. Jeff, you're hell's king of the 7 deadly sins, your heart's a rotten tomato splotched with mold and shit, your soul is the most unappealing dump truck overflowing with the ugliest collection of unwashed rubbish that reproduces more than cells imaginable, Mr. Bastard," the badass song played.
"You're a nauseous spider, Jeff the Killer, you're more unattractive than cardiac arrest and heart attacks combined, you're a crooked little bastard, with a hunchback as your horse, Mr. Jeff, or in simple person talk, the three best words to describe you are, let's see, bitch, bastard, and dickhead," the song finished, as Jeff finished stealing shit.
The people in the town woke up on Christmas morning to find that all their fucking shit was gone. They were fucking devastated, and their spirits were broken. The kids were crying, and the adults were pissed. Everyone was looking for the fucking thief who ruined Christmas, and they knew it was Jeff.
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The mayor knew he had to take matters into his own fucking hands. He went to Jeff and tried to reason with him. He told Jeff that he didn't have to be a grumpy motherfucker and that he could be happy too.
Jeff didn't want to listen, but the mayor kept talking. He told Jeff that Christmas was about fucking love and kindness, and that he could be part of that too. Jeff didn't believe him, but he saw the sincerity in the mayor's fucking eyes. Jeff
But then something unexpected happened. As Jeff was sitting in his lair, he started to hear the sounds of people singing. It was a beautiful fucking sound, and Jeff had never heard anything like it before.
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Jeff didn't know what to do. He had never had anyone ask him to do something nice like that. He decided to go for it, and together they built the fucking greatest snowman that town had ever seen.
Sally thanked Jeff and gave him a fucking hug. Jeff felt something he had never felt before - happiness. He didn't want to ruin Christmas for anyone anymore, he wanted to be part of it. Jeff's cock had grown three sizes that day.
He then started to feel something strange in his chest. It was like a warm feeling, and he didn't know what the fuck it was. Jeff had never felt anything like that before. He realized that he had fucked up big time. He had ruined the one day of the year that brought people together and made them fucking happy.
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Jeff had fucked up Christmas, but he had also learned a valuable lesson. He had learned that it was not too late to change and do the right fucking thing. Jeff had found a new purpose, and he was fucking happy.
The people in the town forgave Jeff for what he had done, and they welcomed him into their fucking hearts. Jeff had become a better person, and he had Christmas to fucking thank for it. And he, Jeff the Killer himself, cut the Rare-Fucks-Beef.
In the end, Jeff realized that Christmas was not just a holiday, but a fucking state of mind. He had learned to love and be kind, and that was all that fucking mattered. Jeff had become a better person, and he had Christmas to fucking thank for it.
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{{by-user|Godlys}}
[[Category:Trollpasta]]
[[Category:Satire]]
[[Category:Bad Fanfiction]]
[[Category:BATTELS]]
[[Category:Jeff the Killer]]
[[Category:Excessive Profanity]]
[[Category:Music]]
[[Category:Holidays]]
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