King of the Hill: The Cursed Episode

It all started about 8 months ago. It was an autumn afternoon, and I was rooting through other people’s garbage as usual. As I brushed aside all the usual trash, something caught my eye. It was a tape labelled “CURSED KOTH EPISODE DON’T WATCH”. “Coolio!” I said. “I can’t wait to see what’s on here!” I immediately hopped out of the dumpster and rushed back to my house.

I got back to my house in only a few minutes and wasted no time in viewing this so-called “cursed episode”. I popped that baby in, sat on the couch, and prepared for the show.

I immediately noticed something off about the tape. The intro was gone, and the only thing there was Hank’s face with “King of the Hill” written under it. Hank’s expression was much different too. Rather than the usual neutral look, his expression was what I could only describe as a mixture of fury and smelling something really bad. It then cut to the family eating dinner, with Hank having the same expression as the title card. After a few seconds of eating, it cut to a close-up of Bobby, who pulled out his Gameboy and started playing.

Hank immediately got pissed off. “DANGIT BOBBEH WHAT DID I TELL YA ‘BOUT THE DAMN VIDYA GAMES AT THE TABLE?!” Bobby ignored him, and there were a few seconds of silence until Peggy chimed in. “Y’know, Hank, you don’t have to be so hard on Bobby all the time. He’s-“ Hank abruptly cut her off. “GOD DAMMIT PEGGY I’M TIRED OF YOU ALWAYS MOUTHING OFF AT ME” Hank shouted. He then rushed into the kitchen.

He came back out holding a knife. “Freakin’ die!” he said. He threw the knife, and it landed right between Peggy’s eyes. As horrifying as seeing Peggy die was, that was a pretty nice shot. After Peggy fell out of the chair dead, Hank turned to Bobby. Bobby froze in horror, but then he ran from the table. 80s horror music began to play as Hank gave chase. “BOBBEH! GET BACK HERE BOBBEH!” he shouted. It cut to Bobby sprinting out of the house, getting on his bike, and pedaling away. Hank exited shortly after and hopped into his truck.

It then cut to Bobby riding down the street, with Hank’s truck approaching in the background. “I’m sorry dad! I promise I’ll never touch another game again!” Bobby begged. “It ain’t about the damn vidya games, son!” shouted Hank. He stepped on the gas harder. “IT’S ABOUT DISCIPLINE!” Hank’s truck then rammed Bobby, knocking him off his bike and running him over. In his final moments, Bobby let out one last “DAAAAAAAAD!” as Hank’s truck flattened him.

The truck stopped shortly after Bobby died. The camera zoomed in on Hank’s face. He had the same expression he did at the beginning of the episode, but then it transitioned to a maniacal grin. He slowly turned his head to the camera, and the episode cut to black.

I thought it ended there, but after 20 seconds, it cut to Khan’s face in a black void. He was grinning ear to ear, and he had bloodshot eyes. “Hank’s coming… Hank’s coming…” he repeated. It took me a couple minutes to figure out what he meant, but then the realization hit me like a freight train. Hank was coming to my house, and I highly doubt he had good intentions! Just as I realized this, something kicked down my bedroom door. It was Hank! His eyes were glowing a blinding white and he had a huge smile on his face!

“Ya shouldn’t have watched that tape, I tell ya hwat.” He let out a short chuckle. “Why are you here?! Please don’t hurt me!” I frantically pleaded. “I’m here to kick your ass!” He said. Just after he said this, he lunged at me. He pinned me to the wall and punched me in the face several times. I managed to gather enough strength to push him off me and kick him to the other side of the room. He got angry and pulled a can of beer out of his pocket. He threw it at me, and it hit me in the head, leaving me quite dazed. “Got that ‘nyer cooler, Bill?” he said, and began laughing. While he was gloating, I took the time to prepare my special attack. I tucked my head in, began charging at him, and…

BOOM! 368 pounds of death right into his gut! Hank got knocked onto his ass and began pleading. “Bwaaah! Please don’t kill me!” “Sorry, Hank, but it’s too late for that!” I replied. “You attacked me in my own home, and that’s unacceptable! Welcome to suplex city, BITCH!” I grabbed Hank, and suplexed him so hard, his entire skeleton disintegrated and blood came out of every orifice on his body.

My entire room was covered in blood, but I didn’t care. “Haha! Yeah! WOO! Fuck you, Hank!” I shouted as I claimed victory over his corpse. I then grabbed his gelatinous body and hung it in my window as a trophy. (If anyone called the police, I could just tell them it was a Halloween decoration.) After I hung it up, I noticed someone standing in my backyard. In fact, there was 3 someones in my backyard. I tried to make them out, and when I did, my happiness turned to horror. They were Hank’s friends!

“Hank!” shouted Bill.

“Tellyawhatmanthatdangol’fatguymurderin’hankyaknowthatain’trightman.” ranted Boomhauer.

“You’re a dead man!” shouted Dale.

“I know he is, but what am I?” I replied. I took a moment to laugh at my joke. My laughing ended quickly as I noticed them working together to break down my back door! I rushed to the front of my house, got in my car, and sped off. As I drove off, I looked in my rearview mirror and saw the three standing in my yard. They were all staring at me with angry expressions on their faces.

I skipped town after that and have been on the run ever since. This may just be me losing my mind, but I swear at every gas station, every restaurant, and every motel, I see 3 figures out of the corner of my eye, all of them sipping beer. I fear that I may not have much time left, so I’ll take the chance to warn you: if you ever find a tape labelled “CURSED KOTH EPISODE DON’T WATCH” in a dumpster, leave it in the trash where it belongs.