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As soon as Jesus said that the match started and we divided into two groups, I went left along with my lance while the other lance went right. The map was Terra Therma which was full of volcanoes and fiery hell fires, with a bright bloody red sky, it actually looked alot like Hell itself, even though I never saw Hell so how the fuck could I know that? Anyway, Bin Laden was our first casualty as he saw the second blue lance and immediately charged for them, falling into a pit of lava while shouting terrorist words. What shocked me the most was the message that showed up next.
 
"Bin Laden has dieded”dieded"
 
That made me shit myself, I don’t know why, its not like if I would die in game I would die in real life or would I? I was still too virgin to die. Was I just trying to be edgy like those emo teens? Maybe I read too many creepypastas? I have no idea. But for some stupid reason I kept playing like a fucking idiot, maybe because I was a sadistic dumbass and wanted to see how this would end. It seemed like our second lance was having the battle of their deaths.
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Bootman Bill (To all): Die you manchild!
[[File:Mwosatan.png|thumb|220x220px|Satan's smexy mech]]
The message "Zack has dieded.”" appeared followed by a grown man’s loud girly screams coming from my speakers, they were so real that I couldn’t even believe it, thats how real they were. But because of sheer adrenaline, stupidity or maybe even both I continued. Satan walked his mech through a pool of lava and emerged undamaged. That was weird because Bin Laden had dieded when going into one. Maybe it was a glitch or just a troll I dunno, but I wasn’t gonna question the game’s logic because fuck me, thats why. Also didn’t know Bootman Bill was a pedo.
 
Obama (To all): No violence gentlemen, we can settle this by dialogue.
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Trump (To all): To Mexico with your dialogue!
 
"Obama has dieded.”" I could feel this was escalating more quickly than that time I smoke crystal meth and jumped off my apartment building thinking I was Superman, that and I voted for Trump. I should’ve died that day, but an old lady that was going across the street broke my fall, too bad she died right afterwards, not really, I didn’t even knew the old hag so I don’t give a fuck. Back to the game, things seemed to go smoothly for our second lance as it turns out that Moses had killed A Potato for some reason, they were both still on their spawning point, however the kill message was different this time, instead of the usual dieded message it appeared as "A Potato has been eaten.”"
 
Moses (To all): Dats sum good shit
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I swore Moses sounded more like Snoop Dogg’s retarded cousin, but it seemed we had screamed victory too soon as from nowhere someone had taken down our second lance in minutes, I could hear lasers and missiles being launched on the horizon and sure enough when I turned to look there were fireworks going down to the ground, basically like me when I’m in the shitter.
 
"Bootman Bill has dieded”dieded"
 
"Trump has dieded”dieded"
 
"Snoop Dogg has swagged”swagged"
 
Zalgo (To team): Wat?! How t fuk?! Wtf just happnd?!
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Hitler (To team): *Unintelligible German words*
 
Maybe I should have used google translate, I will remember to do that next time, nonetheless we kept on heading for the center of the map where we thought Jesus and his first squad were, until Hitler was hit in his metallic dong. That must have hurt. Boobtahar jumped in front of us in his own mech, a Catapult. We started shooting our missiles, lasers and bullets at the mutafacker but it was doing no damage! Zalgo immediately typed "Haxxxor!”" And proceeded to go on a full frotting assault with the mofo. Unfortunately he tripped in a conveniently placed rock that was on his way and fell, getting lazored in the face by our sworn enemy before exploding in a hyper realistic explosion.
 
"Zalgo has dieded”dieded"
 
We were now at a disadvantage, 3 to 5, except this guy counted as the entire team, I thought about cutting my wrists and commiting suicide to escape my fate as I felt the crosshair of the evil Swagtahar lock on me, I typed "Aaaaah”Aaaaah" on the chat before Hitler knocked me out of the way cursing German words which made me pull out my google translate and got the thing translated to "Stalin took my virginity with a lamp post.”" At that moment I thought how Hitler’s anus must be as deep and infinite as the universe itself, before getting up and taking cover behind some rocks.
 
Satan went against the Sexytahar and fired his particle cannon but it was fake so it didn’t do anything to him so Satan used his missiles. Ballsytahar dodged matrix style and it actually looked cool, which only made me certain that he was hacking in an online game, I wasted no time in taking screenshots so I could report this fudger to Piranha Games and get him banned like Gaben does to cheaters on Counter Strike Global Offensive, but for some reason my print screen key wouldn’t work even though I got images of this shit so what the fuck?! You know fuck this! Anyway, the Judastahar climbed up the mountain and sniped Satan’s right arm off, hyper realistic scary oil coming out of the mech. Now I was spooked. If only it was photo realistic blood, it wouldn’t be so scary.
 
Badasstahar jump jetted behind Satan and almost finished him there, only that Hitler shot him in the bum and that made Dongtahar shoot him instead. Hitler gave out a "Heil Hitler”Hitler" before exploding into tiny Hitler fragments.
 
"Hitler has dieded”dieded"
[[File:Mwomutahar.png|thumb|220x220px|The pro almost ded]]
I used this moment to jump on top of Jizztahar typing "You are alot of fun to ride around”around". In my mind I could have sworn this sounded and looked like a bad written fanfiction, the only thing that was left was us wearing bikinis, but unfortunately my day dreaming was cut short as Satan shot Mutahar in the face and evaporated on the spot, I survived somehow though. Me and Satan regrouped and he looked at me before turning around.
 
Satan (To team): Gotta go fast!
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Satan (To all): The power of Christ compelled me! Its all up to you newby!
 
"Satan has dieded.”"
 
It was all in my hands now, as Jesus and his crew finished screwing Moses, I locked my missiles onto their cock pits and fired. Most of them hit Shiva directly, taking care of that bich while the others damaged Moses, unfortunately Jesus and Buddha jumped out of the way and turned towards me. Even so there were only three more to go.
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Jesus (To all): How dare you interrupt our sacred action!
 
I went around some mountains and got Buddha by surprise, killing him. Moses was crippled and walking slowly trying to hide behind some rocks but I jump jetted on top of him while typing "Death from above”above". Then I got hit on my right torso, losing half of my weapons and my right arm, which was useless by the way but I still missed it, more hyper realistic oil came out of the destroyed arm and that scared me as my sexy mech was hurt! Jesus was gonna pay now! With his Paypal account!
 
We stared at each other for what seemed like 8.37924850 minutes before Jesus jumped at me in a kinky way, I dodged out of the way and tried fisting him but he found out my special attack and avoided it with his sexy moves, he then aimed his cannon straight at me, ready to shoot, but in some weird plot twist of fate or some idiot writing this story. Jesus spountaneously combusted for no fucking reason and I won the match. I guess I had god mode on.
 
"Jesus has dieded.”"
 
After that the score screen appeared and everyone except for me had dead written in big bold red hyper realistic tomato sauce letters, oh that and that I had gotten 20 million xp and c-bills which meant that I had literally beaten an MMO. I was so proud of myself that I got nekid and started making out with my window as my next door neighbors watched before throwing a shoe at me. After that I got a message from Piranha Games saying that they were having server maintenance and they wouldn’t be available for today… But then… How did I just played a game online!? And then Satan popped out of my screen and shoved a dildo up my ass.
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