Parallel universe Seinfeld pops up out of nowhere to perform observational comedy
I’m lying sleeping with my eyes open in the dusk of a summer evening when I hear a funky bassline and canned laughter. I open my eyes wider to see the alien being Jelly Seinfeld and he says “nit nit kaka George, you can’t even ZORG DEATH that, right?”
I shat the bed and not with laughter. A death ray seared my left bollock. Then Jelly Seinfeld entered a portal back to his own time and place. Apartment 5Z.
I stood in the kitchen sleeping, my scrotum resting in the palm of my right hand, my left hand flat against the kitchen tiles, arm stretched out propping me up.
My milkman's wife meowed and clawed at the edge of the door, begging to be let in so she could lap cream from [redacted]. It was this sound and the accompanying flood lighting from the burger joint next door that aroused me awoke.
The oven door slowly began to slide to one side. Strange I thought, that is a drawbridge style oven door like all the other oven doors in houses the world over. Jenny Seinfeld in a big greasy oven pan slid off the metal rack thingy you get in ovens, and onto the floor.
The female Jerry from a parallel universe.
I didn't know if I was turned on by Jenny Seinfeld. Funny yes. 90s hair in place. Teeth all the way across the mouth. Jeans with shirt and sweater present. Oh, yeah I said to myself in Cosmo's voice, giddy up.
"You know when you're having a litter of puppies and one of them looks just a bit too much like a kitten, but you don't remember sleeping with a tiger..." it began, going straight into a bit about whatever the hell was normal in Jenny Seinfeld universe.
I opened the door to the milkman's wife. Claws came out and still cupping my balls I backed away from the violence. When I returned to the kitchen hours later there was no blood, no milk. Just a litter of puppies and a round burn mark on the linoleum where the oven pan had been.
"Goodbye Jenny Seinfeld", I said to the puppy suckling on my teat. "Goodbye", I whispered to the ether.
Credited to Headpuncher
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