Sonic.VIDEO

The Scary Sturgeon General's Warning

Believe it or not, smoking will wipe you out. Reading this story will make you die of Type 2 Unfunny Jokes. You have. been. WARNED.

Prologue

I am a big fan of Sonic The Hedgehog. So much so, to where I weigh approximately 3,000 lbs. I like the games, the movies, the comics, the cartoons, and Yan The Hedgehog. However, that all changed one day when Billy, my pesky friend, decided to mail me a copy of Sonic.VIDEO, an unreleased game by SEGA and Gajin Studios. This is what the message said:

Dear Weeb,

Boy, do I have a suprise for you! I found this game at a garage sale at some redneck's house. He told me that the game is great and that it isn't a game filled with jumpscares, hyper-realism, or phoned-in religious references. I think you'll like it!

Your "good" pal,

Billy

P.S.: Run from that blue thing, or he will destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all!

I thought to myself, "Wow! This is gonna be grrreat!", however, I shouldn't have thought that, as Sonic.VIDEO is still after me to this very day.

My Gameplay "Experience"

The game started off with a bloody Sonic The Hedgehog title screen, with a strange blue Commander.VIDEO-like creature coming out of it, wagging his middle finger from side to side with a very loud version of Angel Island Zone (from Sonic The Hedgehog 3) playing in the background. I thought, "This game must've been too mature for its title audience!", before I was shocked when Yusuke Kitagawa was shown on a perfectly normal title screen for a split-second. That guy is so infamous, but after all, he is techinically a SEGA character because Atlus (which is owned by SEGA) created him.

I then went to the file selection screen, which had three playable characters shown on it. None of them were at all characters from Sonic The Hedgehog. Not even Yan The Hedgehog herself was here! The first one was a strange wheel-type creature with one eye in the middle of the tire. The second one was a fat purple and green colored lizard, and the last one was a yellow man with purple pants with an upside-down "M" on his hat. I started up the first file, out of a rush to stop hearing the terrifying song, which kept saying, "Your backyard friends. The Backyardigans". I then heard a high-pitched version of Kefka's laugh, which made me pee my own Gucci pants. I then used some toilet paper to clean myself, before starting to play the game.

The wheel-type creature went through a prehistoric landscape with green sky and water. The mountains were purple, and there were many signs that told you not to go any further, as Sonic.VIDEO was waiting for the player. When the wheel got there, he stared at a blank blue square. The square then morphed into the strange creature from the title screen, and he said, "Hey, you! Get outta' town!". The level then changed to a burning landscape with palm trees in the background and a scary song that said, "Watch out for my body rolls!" over and over again.The creature then chased after the wheel, before a bloody red CGI banana shown up on the screen for a split second. He then killed the wheel, and a loud screaming noise was played. He then said, "Give me 'dat Strawberry Jelly". I said "No", and then, he replied and said, "You're gonna regret this one day, fatso". I am not fat!

The next level was a level called, "You Can Run", which took place in a bloody landscape that resembled Scrap Brain Zone from the first game. The playable character was the fat lizard from earlier. His only special move was done by pressing "X" on the keyboard to make him pull out a stop sign. He walked through the level before red static shown up on screen, with the screen saying, "Woohoo! You suck!", before engaging a fight sequence, in which I had to move the lizard from left to right to avoid the creature. After that, The lizard pulled out the stop sign before the creature killed him, and afterwhich, he said, "Yes, he's dead. And now he's on the floor. No more purple dinosaur". I then yelled, "How could you do this to Barney?", before he said, "Sorry. Barney Gumble was never an option, fatso. You're fat like him!". I got really mad about that.

Lastly, I played as the yellow man with the purple pants, going through a strange area with blood all over the walls, and a neat-looking checkerboard floor. He then died as soon as the creature eleported to him, and then a screen came up. The screen said, "I AM A COW", before it switched to "YEAH BOI" for a split second. It shown distrubing artwork of Sonic.VIDEO seemingly taking a shower with a fat Yusuke Kitagawa. The man then died, yelling, "Waaah!", before one last level shown up.

The last "level", if you could even call it that, was a level in which you played as Patrick Star, going through a bloody landscape full of corpses and chains hanging from the ceiling. Afterwhich, he got killed by his evil counterpart (A.K.A. EVIL PATRIXXX), before the creature said,

Меня зовут Соник.ВИДЕО. Спасибо, что играете в мою видеоигру. Я собираюсь доставить вам на дом пиццу с соусом халапеньо вместо соуса маринара с фаршированной корочкой и соусом из ранчо из буйволиного мяса. Лучше заплати, а то сдохнешь, толстяк!!

Oh dear! I don't have any money for pizza! I do like though, that the pizza has jalepeno sauce instead of pizza sauce. He was even gonna give me a buffalo ranch dip to eat it with! However, I dreaded the moment where I had to pay for the pizza itself.

"Stuff Your Face With Pizza" From Family Guy Sounds Like SpongeBob

When I was done playing the game, my computer oozed with blood. Luckily, I was able to clean it up by using some Clorox wipes, which I like to eat for breakfast. However, after that, Sonic.VIDEO knocked on my door wearing a Domino's Pizza outfit. He then said, "Вот пицца, толстяк! Кончик?", before I pulled out a one dollar bill. He then took it, and handed me my pizza, before my computer exploded with blood dripping out of it. I had to clean it up, but Sonic.VIDEO was standing outside of my window, laughing at me while I tried to clean it up. Soon, I ate the pizza, but it made me poop out red stool. Sonic.VIDEO still hates me, and he is still trying to ruin my life.

Epologue

One time, I tried to poop, but I ended up filling my enitre toilet with it! Isn't it great?

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