The Bible Theory

Jesus Christ was your average, ancient Israeli carpenter who would spend all day listening to Slayer.

Then, a man named Caiaphas, who was a Jewish priest and also the CEO at the acient Israeli Coca-Cola company, started putting cocaine in the Coca-Cola to cocain-trip people into converting.

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The Coca-Cola Jesus got hooked on.

Jesus loved to drink ancient Israeli Coca-Cola, so he ended up drinking some and got addicted to it until his boss found him in his place of business and fired him. Out on the streets, Jesus began to play guitar for ancient Rammstein until he gained enough money to buy more Coca-Cola.

Later on, Jesus gave some out to lepers and blind people, which had a strange affect that fixed their problems and such. Then, Jesus, out of his cocaine-induced high, wrote a book about a dude creating heaven and earth and such.

Then Caiaphas be like, "Fuck that shit. You guys are havin too much fun." So he had Jesus crucified.

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Then, after a while of being crucified, Jesus said unto his friends, "I'm getting a bit bored now. I should probably be going home now." So he jumped off of the cross and started playin guitar for no reason.

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Thomas, about to write Jesus' name in the death note.

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Jesus' original depiction of Satan. He later sold it to Cartoon Network because he was a big fan of it during the early days.

Then, Thomas the Tank Engine wrote his name in the death note and Jesus just fell over and disappeared. Then, Jesus met Patrixxx in the afterlife because Patrixxx was watching the afterlife too and they became best friends.

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Jesus, chatting on the website. His identity has been concealed so you don't know it wasn't really Jesus.

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The episode.

Jesus then went to a website called DAJEWISHMEETUPMUTHAFUCKA.com while he was drunk and posted random things in their chat and later decided to watch an episode of Ed, Edd and Eddy that was so disturbing, his life got flipped-turned upside-down.

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Jesus was a big fan of metal.