The Evil Bloody Thing of Delicious Video Game Doom: Difference between revisions
The Evil Bloody Thing of Delicious Video Game Doom (view source)
Revision as of 10:51, 17 June 2021
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Where does one begin? Well, for starters, I died. Yep.
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I woke up on a glorious Monday morning. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and my bed was soaked with fresh urine (damn nightmares). I got out of my undersized bed, fully decorated with Hello Kitty merchandise, and put on a pair of clean pajamas. Not clean underwear. I enjoy the aroma of liquid waste in the morning, mind you.
I walked downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast. My mommy was cooking pancakes- my personal favorite. I could just taste the taste of how pancakes taste when you taste their taste. My mommy looked behind to greet me. "Morning, Mark.
Mommy walked up to me holding something. "Marky-poo, you did so well at the dentist last week. You
I went upstairs to check the game(s) out. I read the back of the case as I entered my room. "Play every game ever to have to privilege of running on the Nintendo GameCube! Play classics like Super Mario Sunshine, Sonic Adventure, Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, and many more!" I questioned how all these could even fit on one disc. It must be a joke.
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It started up with no GameCube logo opening. My first guess was that this is some type of homebrew game. Shit, how much did she pay for this? The select game screen looked like it belonged on a DOS computer, what with its bland black background with random, ugly, dark colored text. The only sound that played was the unimpressive beeps when you moved the cursor and selected something.
I picked Tales of Symphonia first, as that was what I wanted my mommy to get in the first place. The game started up fine. I watched the lovely opening animation. I was in the mood now! I played until I got to fight for the first time. I noticed something off with
My party died in about 5 minutes. After that I took me be to the boring old menu screen. I
Immediately I noticed something wrong. God dammit. The creepy song in the level select screen (the one with the "LALALALALALALA" in it) was deeper in pitch and was slowed. I exited the game. That song is just… ugh.
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None of those games have problems like that. Music and gameplay slowdown is one thing, but voice clips? Must have been glitches. Yep, glitches.
Upon the menu select screen I saw only one game. I questioned about the disappearance of the other titles. This one game, one that
I selected it nervously. Sonic and Lloyd freaked me out a little. What is this one going to do? Plus the name is stupid. This equals to "GONNA SUCK."
I took control of a red ball-like character with shoes and a worry look in its purple eyes. The environment was SNES like and was a 2D sidescroller. The stage looked… like a cave? It was dark and gloomy. The walls were a dark brown and the floor was puke green. All the while I heard a SNES remix of the Billy Hatcher song playing. F*%& my life.
The object was to run to the goal and not get hit once. Easy enough,
I did alright at first, only died a few times. But then after I got deeper in the cave than ever before, I saw something chasing me. The screen was very dark at this point, but I could make out this black blob in the far left corner. It was huge! The little ball couldn't run any faster. I noticed the timer. It read "WORTHLESS NOW" in red and blinked. In the darkness I watched the little red this get caught. A hyper-realistic picture came to on the screen along with screaming. My heart stopped. I saw the red ball in this
The monster was a burgundy color. It looked scaly with black orbs with glowing red dots for eyes. It had a menacing grin, bear all of its crooked, yellow fangs. I watched the red ball character change shape. It turned into… me!? The monster then slammed its massive jaws shut, still bearing its teeth. Blood spouted out and ran down the
I yelped and tried to get up and run. Forget my prized Hello Kitty crap, I had to get out! But the thing grabbed my leg and dragged me into the TV. I struggled and screamed for my mommy and daddy to save me. No answer. Then, a flood of blood slammed into me. My room filled with blood and I was drowning in it. I saw the creature open its mouth to speak. "WORTHLESS... NOTHING FOR YOU…," as it spoke flaming blood shot from its mouth! It just kept repeating and repeating those words. I tried to scream, but blood filled my mouth. I was dragged in and further consumed and digested be this grotesque creature. I bled out like crazy. More and more blood filled the TV room/space/whateverthehellyouwanttocallit. The creature was now bathed in blood.
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Yep. I died at the ripe age of 36.
Believe me now? No. F&%# off.
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