The Evil Bloody Thing of Delicious Video Game Doom

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Where does one begin? Well, for starters, I died. Yep. I'm typing this from beyond the grave. No joke, honest! I'm pretty sure you don't believe me, and that's fine. All I can say that this is 100% true. How could anyone make something like this up? Maybe a really sick douche' bag- point taken- but I'm not a mentally disturbed asshole. I promise.

About 8 years ago it started... I woke up on a glorious Monday morning. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and my bed was soaked with fresh urine (damn nightmares). I got out of my undersized bed, fully decorated with Hello Kitty merchandise, and put on a pair of clean pajamas. Not clean underwear. I enjoy the aroma of liquid waste in the morning, mind you.

I walked downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast. My mommy was cooking pancakes- my personal favorite. I could just taste the taste of how pancakes taste when you taste their taste. My mommy looked behind to greet me. "Morning, Mark. How'd ya sleep?" I replied hastily, "Okay. Nothing wrong." She doesn't know about my bed wetting, I'd like to keep that to myself.

Mommy walked up to me holding something. "Marky-poo, you did so well at the dentist last week. You didn't bite him like the last time. I thought I'd get you something nice," I leaned forward a bit eagerly, "I got you that little game you wanted." She handed over a plastic case. It was a copy of... a mega collection disc called MegaCube? Never heard of it. The cover art was poorly illustrated and a little blurry. It was a picture of some guy with a few video game characters standing by him. There were Mario, Sonic, Samus, Link, Kirby, and a few others. It had the game I wanted on it, but I didn't want a bunch of games on one disc. I prefer getting the original copies. I looked up and smiled, hiding my tad bit of disappointment. "Thanks Mommy."

I went upstairs to check the game(s) out. I read the back of the case as I entered my room. "Play every game ever to have to privilege of running on the Nintendo GameCube! Play classics like Super Mario Sunshine, Sonic Adventure, Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, and many more!" I questioned how all these could even fit on one disc. It must be a joke.

Before I could question the game any further, that sweet scent flew over to me. Dazed by the smell, I put the disc in my Cube and sat down on my royal Hello Kitty bed.

It started up with no GameCube logo opening. My first guess was that this is some type of homebrew game. Shit, how much did she pay for this? The select game screen looked like it belonged on a DOS computer, what with its bland black background with random, ugly, dark colored text. The only sound that played was the unimpressive beeps when you moved the cursor and selected something.

I picked Tales of Symphonia first, as that was what I wanted my mommy to get in the first place. The game started up fine. I watched the lovely opening animation. I was in the mood now! I played until I got to fight for the first time. I noticed something off with Lloyd's voice during the battle. His voice was a bit more childish sounding. It was almost like his and Genis' voice clips were switched, and that may have been the case if it weren't for a few lines that were very uncharacteristic for the teenager: "No future... nothing for me." Lloyd was usually more of an upbeat character. I've watched many gameplay videos on this particular game and Lloyd never once murmured such. Lloyd moved slowly and wasn't very good in battle. My team must have been doing extremely miniscule damage judging by how many times I hit the damn things.

My party died in about 5 minutes. After that I took me be to the boring old menu screen. I didn't want to try again. I figured something like this might happen; the games run way too slow. For some reason it was only in battle mode, though. Also, something seemed unnerving about what Lloyd said. Instead I chose Billy Hatcher, curious to see what's wrong with this game.

Immediately I noticed something wrong. God dammit. The creepy song in the level select screen (the one with the "LALALALALALALA" in it) was deeper in pitch and was slowed. I exited the game. That song is just... ugh. Next I chose Sonic Adventure 2: Battle. I swear to god, the lighting was horseshit. Remember the Lost Colony level? Yeah, worse than that. As far as I could tell, all was normal except the lighting. Then when the menu screen showed up the music slowed down considerably. I struggled to see what I was doing. I played the Hero Story first and started with Sonic. Now the lighting was way too bright. I could tell because Sonic looked like he was a damn light bulb. The rest of the level- City Escape- was easy to see, but the textures were all dark, grungy looking. I guess the lighting had to change to accommodate for the darkened textures. The music had no singing like it should, it was slow, and the instruments were different. Almost like a orchestra piece. It seemed a little sad. Whenever I did a trick in the air I heard Sonic say, "Why bother... nothing for me." I exited the game right after that.

None of those games have problems like that. Music and gameplay slowdown is one thing, but voice clips? Must have been glitches. Yep, glitches.

Upon the menu select screen I saw only one game. I questioned about the disappearance of the other titles. This one game, one that I've never heard of, was called Spot Forbee Edath. I selected it nervously. Sonic and Lloyd freaked me out a little. What is this one going to do? Plus the name is stupid. This equals to "GONNA SUCK." I took control of a red ball-like character with shoes and a worry look in its purple eyes. The environment was SNES like and was a 2D sidescroller. The stage looked... like a cave? It was dark and gloomy. The walls were a dark brown and the floor was puke green. All the while I heard a SNES remix of the Billy Hatcher song playing. F*%& my life.

The object was to run to the goal and not get hit once. Easy enough, there're no enemies at first. Avoid pitfalls and other hazards, as well as do it before time runs out. The stage goes on and on. The further you go, the darker the screen gets. The more time it takes, the more this noise in the background plays. It sounds like rumbling and deep moaning.

I did alright at first, only died a few times. But then after I got deeper in the cave than ever before, I saw something chasing me. The screen was very dark at this point, but I could make out this black blob in the far left corner. It was huge! The little ball couldn't run any faster. I noticed the timer. It read "WORTHLESS NOW" in red and blinked. In the darkness I watched the little red this get caught. A hyper-realistic picture came to on the screen along with screaming. My heart stopped. I saw the red ball in this thing's mouth. It was absolutely terrified.

The monster was a burgundy color. It looked scaly with black orbs with glowing red dots for eyes. It had a menacing grin, bear all of its crooked, yellow fangs. I watched the red ball character change shape. It turned into... me!? The monster then slammed its massive jaws shut, still bearing its teeth. Blood spouted out and ran down the thing's chin like a waterfall. Blood dripped everywhere on the screen. It was so hyper-realistic I thought some got on me for a second. I touch my face and looked down to my hand. Blood.

I yelped and tried to get up and run. Forget my prized Hello Kitty crap, I had to get out! But the thing grabbed my leg and dragged me into the TV. I struggled and screamed for my mommy and daddy to save me. No answer. Then, a flood of blood slammed into me. My room filled with blood and I was drowning in it. I saw the creature open its mouth to speak. "WORTHLESS... NOTHING FOR YOU...," as it spoke flaming blood shot from its mouth! It just kept repeating and repeating those words. I tried to scream, but blood filled my mouth. I was dragged in and further consumed and digested be this grotesque creature. I bled out like crazy. More and more blood filled the TV room/space/whateverthehellyouwanttocallit. The creature was now bathed in blood.

I was chewed up, but still alive when it swallowed me. My libs have been ripped off and blood floods out of the empty sockets. The digestive fluids kicked in and burnt me. My eyes disintegrated and my teeth fell out. Blood dripped from my eye-holes and toothless mouth. I noticed that the fluid was made out of blood. I shriveled up and was pooped out. My corpse is still a bloody mess.

Yep. I died at the ripe age of 36. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this. I keep coming to the same thought: God, I hope Mommy doesn't find my mess. Also, never play this game! I lost the game a long time ago when I died, so I don't have any footage.

Believe me now? No. F&%# off.

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