The Passion 2 - Clout Requiem: Difference between revisions
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{{AN|Please '''do not attempt''' any of the actions in this narrative. Any humor based on a real subject is for '''SATIRE ONLY''', and not to be taken seriously. Mature content ahead, '''VIEWER DESCRISION ADVISED.'''}}
'''PROLOGUE'''
'''CHAPTER 1:''' Avocadoland
'''CHAPTER 2:''' MoshFest 03'
'''CHAPTER 3:''' Responses & Apologies
'''CHAPTER 4:''' Paid Vacation
<big>'''PROLOGUE'''</big>
Line 57 ⟶ 65:
"Dr. Rosen, shut your trap cuz I'm not finished. It's called the Classified Internet Missions Collective, CIMC.
<big>'''Chapter 1: Avocadoland'''</big>
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"Oh, hey! We're only two blocks away!" I said happily, trying to prevent Nut from getting into the argument.
[[File:NA tower.png|thumb|570x570px|The manager's office tower]]
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Total Dollars: '''100,000$'''
'''<big>Chapter 2: MoshFest 03'</big>'''
"Okay, come on in."
I walked into Critikal's office. He had become the CEO about 3 months ago after hearing the G-Fuel sponsorship we had, to which he's ran all our schedules. He was sitting with hundreds of paper airplanes stacked in a corner under a wall-basketball net. It took me a minute to muster the courage to ask him this.
...
He raised his eyebrow at me. "Can I help you, Agent Protag?"
"Oh, Uhh are we off on Saturday?"
"Yes, why?"
"That's MoshFest."
"Ahh, I thought you were that type of guy. It's 2003?"
"Yeah."
"So, MoshFest 03' then, right. Sure, have fun."
I turned to walk away, but turned back around through a spin, then to Charlie.
"Wait, you sure you don't wanna come with us?"
"Only if Gangrene Green does a cover of Skynut, otherwise no."
"Oh, come on! It's the biggest nu-metal event of the century since MoshFest 02'!"
"Yes, AND, and it's gonna be broadcasted live on TV, I can just watch it in the office. Plus, 250,000 people? PPPFFFFT, fuck that."
"Okay fine. But I'm bringing Michael and Keyshawn-."
"PROTAG! ...We don't use first names at this establishment, rule number 94."
"Understood, kay bye!"
"See ya on the Telly!" Critikal signed off.
'''(DOOR SLAM)'''
Saturday was tomorrow, and tomorrow night was MoshFest 03'. Every year, they close off the airport for a night and set up the stage in an airplane hanger. The crowds were hilariously ridiculous, but well worth seeing our favorite bands at. Me, Michael, and Nut were gonna be there, right in the front, right in the moshpit. Hopefully we wouldn't get trampled or anything like that.
'''THE NEXT EVENING, MOSHFEST 03''''
We parked the car in the grass parking lot, the only patch of grass in sight at the event. There were kegstands everywhere, ruthlesses bouncing on cars, and the stage was like a mile away. I could hear Orgy's "Blue Monday" playing in the distance, and I could see the up and down head-banging of the crowd as the chorus blaired:
''HOW DOES IT FEEL, HOW SHOULD I FEEL, HOW DOES IT FEEL, TO TREAT ME LIEK YOU DOO''
We pushed heads outta the way getting towards the moshpit to have the same done to our heads, and kick some ass, and sniff the holy oder of music, some of the worst ever made, but still music.
All the big dogs were there, Slipknot, Korn, Deftones, and Rage Against The Machine. However while RATM was on stage, something happen while they were playing "Testify".
ONES WHO TWARVEL DNOW IN COFFENS
ON DA CORNA- (inhales)
DA JUREYS SLEEPLESS, (coughing)
WE FOUND YA, (cough,cough) weakNESS
And ET'S LEFT IN, -side ya door now,
Testif... (FALLS TO THE GROUND)
Zach de la Rocha fell to the ground unconcise and was taken to the hospital, they said he simply ran outta breath.
The next band to perform was Limp Bizkit, but while they were about to play, Fred Durst noticed us from the concert last year, and started spouting off about the last few bands to play.
'''9 Teen 90 Nine''' by LIMP BIZKIT playing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JOn5DhFRyZY
They then delved into 9 Teen 90 Nine, and then crowd went all-out-crazy-frickin-alive-undead-life!
3 hours later, it was the last band to play, the best one. '''Gangrene Green'''! They got on stage, all four a' them, and stuff got wild.
"OH MI GOD, ITS JAIDEN FRIENDLY!!!" I screamed.
"OH HOLI SHTI!" Michael responded.
[[File:Dreadcrowguide.png|thumb|543x543px|How to Spin that Dreadcrow]]
"HES SO HOT!"
"I KNO RIGHT?!"
<big>"JAIDEN WE LOVE YOU!!!"</big>
Something strange I noticed was that Mixed Nut was completely silent while we were wailing whales.
Right off the bat, they launched into my favorite song of all time.
<big>"MoshFest 200-mothafuckin'-three!</big> <big><big>SPIN THAT DREADCROW!"</big></big>
(NU-METAL RIFF, SLAP BASS, UNNECCESARY TURNTABLE SCRATHCES)
The whole crowd was bumping into each other cuz everybody, AND I MEAN EVERYBODY, was Spinning that Dreadcrow! The only one not, was Nut.
After the song was over, they were about to do a cover Skynut, but DJ Fumeslayer noticed someone familiar in the crowd, and grabbed a tiny little mic, and walked over to where Jaiden was.
He spoke with a robotic Stephen-Hawking voice. "MR. FRIENDLY, I SEEMINGLY RECOGNIZE A HUMAN IN THE CROWD."
"Who was it, Fumeslayer?"
"OVER THERE, THE HUGE COOKIE."
Jaiden looked down, and saw Mixed Nut, who looked back at him with a surprised frown like Eminem face.
"...Keyshawn?"
"Friendly?"
"...You little SHHHHH-!" Shaun Conman stopped him from lunging into the crowd.
"Jaiden, please. We'll settle this accordingly."
A reluctant Jaiden Friendly invited Nut on the stage. "Okay, let's see what verse's you got, Mixed Nut."
The crowd soared, and Nut equally angerly walked on stage.
I asked Michael, "Why are they so angry towards each other?"
"Mixed Nut and Jaiden Friendly had a beef a while ago, don't know why. I think they're about ta do a rap battle."
Nut walked on stage, and was standing on the left side of the stage, and Friendly on the other side.
"Alright, DJ Fumeslayer! Get me a beat! ...COME ON!"
BEAT by Valentine Beats: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xpu7zuIEuO8
They warmed up as the hook played, giving each other scare quick jumps, strutting shoulders, and Jaiden went first:
'''Jaiden Friendly:'''
''AYO,''
MIXED NUT'S AN ASSHOLE
EVERYBODY KNOWS DIS,
BUT WHAT HE DONT KNOW TODAY'S
THAT THIS DISS GON END THIS
WE GO BACK A WHILE
BACK TO SALAD DAYS
THE DAYS WEN WE WOULD SIT
AND HE'D PICK THE BUGGERS OUTTA HIS NOSE
NOT JUST THAT, THIS COOKIE DOUGH-MADE-ASS
LOOKIN MOTHA FUCKA GOT NO GOOD DRAWRS, HOW'D I KNOW THIS?
HE TOLD ME! HE AINT STRAIT,
AINT STRAIT UP GANGSTA
MAYBE STRAIT UP PRANKSTA
MORE LIKE PRANKSTA VICTAM!
DOES IT LOOK LIEK HES BOUTA WIN
SCREW THIS SHIT, HE DONT GOT IT
TREMBELING MESS OF QUICKSAND
QUICKSAND, QUICKSHITTER, TAKES A SHIT
DONT GOT NO BALLS,
I'VE WATCH YOU THROW POOP ON THE WALLS
LOOK INTO DEEZ EYES, I SAY
YOU SAY DEEZ NUTS, YOUR IMMATURE
AINT GOT NO IDEA OF WHAT THE FUCK YOU DON TO ME
HEY AUDIENCE, TAKE A LOOKSEE
HELLOSKI!
IT LOOKS LIKE MIXED NUT AINT GOT NO MORE POUSKI!
''
<big>''("AAOOOOOOOOOOOAHAHOOAHAHAHHAOAAOAOAAH, WHAT HE GONNA DO!?"'')</big>
(Same beat is used)
'''Mixed "Keyshawn" Nut:'''
''WHADUP,''
OH, SO YOU THINK YOUR TOUGH,
HEY MOTHAFUKAS, STEP RIGHT UP STEP RIGHT UP
TO BECOME THE WORLD'S FIRST PERSON TO DISS MIXED NUT
SITTING THERE WHILE YOU BUST A NUT
YOU THINK ABOUT BUSTIN A NUT IN YOUR HEAD
BUT THE PROBLEM ISNT THAT THE CROWD IS HERE
NO, THATS FINE, THATS ALL GOOD
IT'S JUST THAT YOUR HEADS JUST SO FULL OF NUT ALREADY
AND NOT JUST THAT, ITS FULL A MEMORIES FROM THE TIMES
YOU THINK ABOUT ME DISSIN YOU, BELIEVE ME IT MUST
BE A PAIN, TO THINK ABOUT ALL THIS
SHIT, BUT BELIEVE ME IT'S REAL, HOMIE
LOOK IN THA MEIROR, HYPOCRITE, HYUPO-HYPOCRITE
SEE YOURSELVE AT THAT TIME WE WERE WATCHING THE SPIN THAT DREADCROW VIDEO
YOU HAD ME AS A MANNIQUIN AT ARBYS, WHY?
WHY THO? YOU CLAIM SATIRE
BUT IT'S ACTUALLY CUZ YOU LIKE IT!
WEENIE HUT JUINOR LOOKIN ASS
DISNEY JUINOR LOOKIN ASS
RACHEL LOOKIN ASS
MOTHAFUKIN UP INSIDE THE MINDS OF THESE PEOPLES
Man I'm so sorry, really.
OH but hey!
YOU DIDN'T THINK ABOUT ME HOOKIN UP WITH YOUR ANKHA, Friendly Peoples!
<big><big>'''''(AOOAOOOOOHOOOHAOAOHAHOAOHAOHAHOAHOAHAAOAHOAOHA)'''''</big></big>
As you may have guessed, Mixed Nut won the battle. Even me and Michael were clearly AOOOHHing. But as Nut began to walk off stage, something happened.
'''''(PUNCH, PUNCH, KICK, HIT)'''''
Out of nowhere, Shawn Conman began beating the shit outta Mixed Nut, and the audience got up onto the stage, and several huge fights broke out. Somebody kicked the TV Camera, so the whole event was just happening there and only there. It was abominable.
I don't know exactly what happened, but after 5 minutes I was able to get our man Mixed Nut outta there, and we ran backstage, through the other bands, accidentally bumped into Fred Durst, and jumped over a huge fence.
We eventually got to a street, where I got a call from Critikal.
"Yeah?"
"Wow, holy shit! That was quite the blow up!" he said enthusiastically.
"What? Nothing happened it-..."
I realized Charlie had been watching MoshFest on the TV the whole time. He saw the whole thing.
"Boss! It wasn't our fault! I-It was a misunderstanding!"
"No, not that! Agent Nut's verses were FLY-EYE!"
"Critikal you don't understand! WE ALMOST DIED OUT THERE!"
"Oh, all I saw was a bunch of people getting in a fight on stage, then the camera went to Technical Difficulties. See you at headquarters tomorrow."
(HANGS UP)
I started to hear sirens and hundreds of News and TMZ vans flying by us, and a helicopter flying over to the stage.
'''MISSION PASSED:'''
'''MoshFest 03'!'''
'''Achievements:'''
The More You Know '''+80!'''
TMZaaeh! '''+100!'''
Dollars earnt: -10$
Total Dollars: '''99,990$'''
'''<big>Chapter 3: Responses & Apologies</big>'''
We got back to headquarters and each went to our singular dorm rooms. I went on my laptop and onto Google, and the auto-fill blinded me with it's glory.
''m''
moshfest 03
moshfest riot
moshfest disaster
mixed nut rap battle
moshfest rap battle
gangrene green
mixed nut and shawn conman cancelled
president joel to lift ban on bourbon and anime
I was interested most in the last article, and looked at that first.
Then I decided to turn on the TV to Fox News. It had helicopter footage over the article and green screen.
"We're coming in live just outside of Miami, CA where a riot is currently ongoing at the airport, which had it's annual Nu-Metal festival, MoshFest screwed up!"
"Currently about 3 people are reported missing, and thousands others injured. The original cause of the incident was not yet reported, but it is alleged that a heated rap battle between Gangrene Green vocalist Jaiden Friendly and retired rapper Mixed Nut that took place minutes ago was the fuel needed. Coming up at 11, Dhar Mann responds to allegations of copyright striking? After this."
Unfortunately, Fox News is owned my TMZ, so this is all they report on now.
I then went to YouTube, looking for answers, and all there were was Scarce videos about the incident, I decided that would be the best bedtime story of all time, so I fell asleep to Scarce videos.
...
...
...
<big>'''ATTENTION ALL AGNETS, PLEASE ENTER THE MAIN HALL NOW FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCMENT, ALSO THERE'S COFFEE AVAILABLE ON THE SIDE'''</big> blaired the CEO alarm.
I realized my laptop had been playing YouTube for hours, but the battery was still at 97%.
'''IN THE MAIN HALL...'''
It seemed every agent that has ever been a member ever of the CIMC was here. People were crowding together, and it sounded like a school lunch room. Oh, HEY COFFEE!
"What the hell's going on?" asked Michael.
"I doNo. Maybe it had to do with the anime ban lifted?"
"Oh hell yah!" said Nut.
...
"I-It was, HAVE YOU BICHS NOT HEARD OF SARCASM?"
Finally, Critikal walked on stage, with hundreds of orange juices being thrown onto him, and a mix of cheering and booing.
(MIC FEEDBACK), "Uh, Good Afternoon, Agents. I-I know a catastrophe has occurred not 12 hours ago in our own state. And I just wanted to update on the situation at hand and up front."
The crowed got even louder, and we waited for him to continue.
"It- uh, frickin' THEY- THEY MADE AN APOLOGY VIDEO!"
Silence...
"Okay!? Now, this is obviously a big deal, and it's our responsibility as a the CIMC, to make sure it fits the criteria. Here it is."
The projector showed the at first not-fullscreen apology video. It was titled "Response to the Incident" by Jaiden Friendly. He was seated in his living room, and had looked like he was trying to cry for about the past 45 minutes. Speaking of which, it was a 45 minute long video.
''"(deep breath) I know this is going to be very hard for me. ...But I just had to make this video for me, f-for my fans. ...I just wanted to say I'm, ...I-I mean we're looking into the families and the victims that went with this disaster that happened, and I know Mixed Nut, ...y-y'know he's one of my biggest fans and homeboys I, everybody there was just a big homie more than anything and to have this shit happen is just..."''
'''40 Minutes later...'''
''"That's all I wanted to say. Love you guys, bye."
Critikal came back on stage, and looked down at us like The Rock. "You guys been taking notes?"
"YES." said the whole room.
"Alright, so did he say 'I'm Sorry' once in the video?"
SpongeBob raised his hand. "No."
"And did at least 5 statements in the video not mean shit?"
Michael raised his hand. "No, in fact I calculated at least 38 of them."
"And did it just be 45 minutes of rubbing sympathy and puppies into the face of the viewer?"
Gerard Way raised his hand. "Yes, plus a 10 minute section of him petting his dog."
"All correct! We have gone over this video and confirmed another thing. In approximately 36 hours, the President is going to have a press conference for the incident, and has commissioned us to help write the script. We have decided that if anything goes wrong, or if Gangrene Green is proven wrong, war will be declared on YouTube. You all may return to your dorms."
I got back to my dorm, open up YouTube once again, and saw thousands of videos titled, ''"MOSHFEST RESPONDED!?" "JAIDEN FRIENDLY APOLOGY VIDEO FAKE?" "gangrene green's response video makes me sick"''
At that point, it didn't really matter. Cuz tomorrow, we were gonna meet the President of the United States, Independent-Party leader President Joel.
'''MISSION PASSED:'''
'''Responses & Apologies!'''
'''Achievements:'''
Hey what's up guys it's Scarce here '''+95!'''
I just wanted to say I'm kinda-ish sorry! '''+200!'''
Dollars earnt: +0$
Total Dollars: '''99,990$'''
<big>'''Chapter 4: Paid Vacation'''</big>
The next morning we were flown to the Capital City of America which was literally called Capital City. The plane had to take off from the helipad because the airport was closed off indefinitely. Thankfully, it only almost crashed into the building while taking off. 5 hours later, it landed in Capital City. We were taken to the Sauce house in a limousine and tuxes, with President Joel to meet us at the front door.
But before that, we had to go through security.
"WOWHWAOAHWAO, Buddy you cant go in here with that railgun" said one of the security guards.
"We're from the CIMC."
"Yeah, yeah that's what they all say."
"No really, I have my ID-"
<big>"I DON TINK YOU HEAR WHAT I SAI BOIE!"</big>
Suddenly, Joel had our back. "Guys, guys. These mofukas are clean. Let'm through."
"...(into walkie talkie) Clear."
The huge gate opened, and there he was. "Protag! Rosen & Nut! How ya been?"
He was surprisingly nice, "Good, Mr. President."
"Oh, first names only here guys, Call me Joel. The office is right this way."
We followed Joel throughout the glamourous halls of his crib. The house was renamed every time a new president came into play. This was the Sauce house.
"Heard a lot about you Collective peoples, most recently that Avocadoland Mission from a few days ago. Really fucked up the manager didn't you?"
"Y-yeah, he exploded into the bouncy-house." Nut said.
"Yes, OH and Nut! I saw you at Moshfest on the TV! Those bars tho!"
"Yeah, screw Gangrene right?"
[[File:Smallloanofamildollars.png|thumb|527x527px|The Circle Office]]
We finally got to the Circle office and everybody who worked for the House was in perfect symmetrical order in exchange for functional order.
"This here is vice president The Frog, Kermit the Frog. Kermit is also the leader of the Department of Defense and secret Nucleus projects. And everybody else is my personal Pingu bodyguards. You may shake hands with Kermit only, he is the only safe one."
"What up, I'm green."
We shook hands.
"Uhh, what up, I'm (Y/N), this is Mike, and this is Keyshawn. His stage name is Mixed Nut."
"(gasp) HOLY SHIT I AM A HUGE FAN WHAT UP MIXED NUT?"
'''1 hour later...'''
We were escorted to the hotel to be stationed until the Speech script is complete. I opened up my laptop, went onto Microsoft Word, then tried to think of something.
''...a n d t h e n a s k e '' (BACKSPACE)
No, no no, something Joel would say.
''...e x p a n d d o '' '''<big>(BACKSPACE)</big>'''
This would take a while.
'''MISSION PASSED:'''
'''Paid Vacation!'''
'''Achievements:'''
Bell Air '''+90!'''
Green in Regulation '''+140!'''
Dollars earnt: -20$
Total Dollars: '''99,970$'''
{{by-user|Minksdinkle7}}
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