The Passion 2 - Clout Requiem

From Trollpasta Wiki
Jump to navigationJump to search

PROLOGUE

CHAPTER 1: Avocadoland

CHAPTER 2: MoshFest 03'

CHAPTER 3: Responses & Apologies

Author's note: Please do not attempt any of the actions in this narrative. Any humor based on a real subject is for SATIRE ONLY, and not to be taken seriously. Mature content ahead, VIEWER DESCRISION ADVISED.


PROLOGUE


"Remember what you asked before I left?"

"'So now what?'"

"Well this is the answer! Screw that noise! Meet me at the abandoned warehouse outside town!"

(HANGS UP)


I rolled up to the abandoned warehouse on the Miami, California city limits, and Michael wasn't there. I called him again.


"Okay, where am I going?"

"Y-your just-, by the Applebee's, and-"

"To the right?"

"NO NO No! To the left you ignant!"

(SPLAT)

"What was that?"

"I don't know, must've just ran over a squirrel or something."

"MOTHAF, ther-THERE YOU ARE!"

(HANGS UP)


Mixed Nut was in the car with Michael. They parked next to the door, and we set up a campfire inside. I then got out a chalkboard.


HORRIBLE CHALK SCRATCHING NOISES


...


"Um, why are you such a bad artist?" said Nut.

"This isn't art. Or at least, not what normies call art. Everyday another stupid person on the internet tries as hard as possible to finds some upboosts, like the powers ups in Donky King Racers, clout chasers. Clout."

Michael interrupted "So... your thinking of bringing them down too? Isn't that YouTube commentator's jobs? Your basically thinking of making a rouge organization to fight off the minor annoyance of clout-chasing?"

"Dr. Rosen, shut your trap cuz I'm not finished. It's called the Classified Internet Missions Collective, CIMC.


Chapter 1: Avocadoland


5 months later...


Information! Byousoku de tsutawaru jidai demo Choice no shikata ga wakaranai


"Around the world" by m.o.v.e was blaring in the speakers of the CIFC car. Everybody except for Michael was headbanging to it. That was until he had enough.


"HEY, WHERE ARE WE EVEN GOING!"

"WHAT?" I shouted back.

"I SAID, WHERE ARE WE, UGH, CAN YOU TURN THAT SHIT OFF, PLEASE? Thank you!"


I lowered the volume down to background-noise level.


"What are we even doing?" Michael asked.

"Ever heard of Avocadoland? Pyrocynical just went missing. We think the manager might have to do something with."

"Why would the manager have anything to do with his disappearance. Haven't you ever seen Gone Girl? Maybe Pyro made himself missing?"


Mixed Nut budged into the conversation, "How does that even work?"

"Oh, hey! We're only two blocks away!" I said happily, trying to prevent Nut from getting into the argument.

The manager's office tower


We parked right next to the entrance where the skyscraper was.

"You see that building there? The top floor's where the manager lives. We need to get up there."


We had a group of four agents going in. I, Mixed Nut, Rosen, and our most experienced rookie, SpongeBob. The back fire escape stairs were supposedly the best way to get up there, so we climbed all the way up there via that.

Everything was going fine once we reached the top floor. But then all the chairs folded in on themselves and fell. Three of us were able to swing across and into the top floor breaking a window, but SpongeBob was holding onto the edge, and we helped him up. I still don't know if it was a security thing, or the stairs were really, really, out of repair.

We tip-toed through the hall, and I heard something in a room.


STOMP STOMP STOMP


"What is that?" whispered Michael.

"SHUUUUUSH!" I said. I then sneaked over to the door, and listened through.


"UGH! Fiddlesticks! CHESUS! Pyrocynical, Pyrocynic- DO YOU KNOOW, how many problems you have caused by this UNHOLY SLANDER you have caused me and my channel!"


"Come on! It was just one clickbaity thumbnail! Not as bad compared to what you do-"

"SHHHHUUUUUUUUUH! GjyEEPERS CREEPERS! ET's ...Your fault! ...It's your fault that I'm overweight, NAH JUST KIDDING IT'S JAST, WATER WEIGHT!"


SpongeBob was able to hack into the camera system and I was able to get a view inside.


The park manager had Pyrocynical tied down to a chair with a hole lot of duct tape, and a large rolling wardrobe was behind the yelling manager.


"So what are you gonna do? Interrogate me?"

"UPGH! (claps hands together) We are going to Walmart Inventory, and you are going to WATCH! Cuz I got tons of random shit to unpack, and you will SEE! You will see how much I have to go through every video, -D-DAY!"

He started selecting from the first rack. "WALMART! Walmart! ...(deep breath) wamamamamamamamamamamamamamammamamamamamamaamamam- (gasp) Best Buy? ...BEST BUY!? ...SHHHHUUUUUUUU, ...WHAT TYPE OF BLASHPHEMY IS THIS, BESTEST BUY! So, wadda we got, like 48 more rows?"


"MHMHMHNMHHMHMHHHHMMMMMM!" Pyro made a frustrated noise.

All four of us looked at each other, wondering what now.


"Oh I noes! The roof!" I said.

We made our way up to the roof via a grappling hook, which I didn't realized I had earlier. The whole ceiling was glass, so we drilled a hole right above Pyrocynical's head. The glass fell on his head.

"wamamamamamamamama- ...Pyro! Are you listening?" the manager said as the grappling hook fastened around the chair.

"Uh, yes, of course."

"Good. wmamamaamamamamamamaamamaam..."


As the manager went on, the hook pulled Pyro and the chair up to the roof, completely unnoticed.

"Woah! Who are you guys?"

"Yeah yeah yeah, we need to get outta here." said Nut.

"...(gasp) Old Navy!"

"Let's go." SpongeBob said. We took the chair with us, as Pyro was still stuck to it. Unfortunately, while we were running away on top of the glass, it broke right above the manager's head.

"Old Navy! MORE LIKE NEW NAVY- Pyro? Where did you go?"


BACKGROUND MUSIC BY AShamaluevMusic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2aye0jv6PU


(GLASS HTIS)

"AGHU HUG HU HU HAU HAU HAAAUGH, (gets the walkie talkie) Security, Get them!"


The alarm was sounding like crazy, and we seemingly had no choice, but to go down through the building. We grappled upside down to the next lower story, and like 50 guards wearing Avocadoland Merch were waiting. For some reason, the manager chose that over bulletproof vests because we got through there pretty quickly, and to the stairs we went.


"Wait, where's SpongeBob?" asked Nut.

"(gasp) Rookie!!!" I said, as SpongeBob was taking the elevator. We had no choice but to make sure he wouldn't get hurt alone.

We traveled down through the immense amount of stairway, and got to the 90th floor, where the Manager himself was, shirtless, putting up fists, by himself.


"Come on, you government-sized fucks! PUT'M UP!"

"Oh you wanna go down, bich, OKAY!" said Nut


They ended up fighting for a while, with minor breaks of fake cries and "UGHAHAH"s. Nut won the fight, and distracted his opponent by pointing "Hey look, SpongeBob!" and ran.

It actually ended up fooling me and Mike too, but all three of us, carrying Pyro-chair, jump out through the window, and freefell for what felt like 5 seconds. How did we survive the fall? All three of us jet-pack parachuted, and grapple-hooked Pyro's chair at the same time, so we could carry him to the water.

The manager attempted to catch us with a jet pack as well, but could only chase so far, and fell into the bouncy castle of the park. "JEEPERS, CREEPERS!!!"


BOOM


The bouncy castle blew up when the Manager landed in it. We carried Pyrocynical over to the nearby marsh, and dropped him while landing. He ended up being fine, thankfully.


"(into the walkie talkie) Is back-up here yet?" I asked.

"Right in frontaya!" said the CEO.


The back-up team had arrived, and quickly freed Pyro from the duct-tape chair. \

"You guys saved me, holy fuck."

"Yeah, thank us later, at least your home safe, kinda. Hey, where's SpongeBob?" I asked.


SpongeBob came out of the front of the bus, covered in blood. "I just took the elevator. Mr. Pyrocynical, CEO says our private plane taking you home is leaving in an hour. Take him to the airport guys."

The helicopter team escorted him into the chopper. But as they were taking off, Pyro asked, "Hey, who even are you guys?"

I just looked at him, "We're the CIMC, bitch." And the chopper flew away. I then realized that was supposed to be our way back to headquarters.


"Ima call him." said Michael.


...


"You have reached the CIMC, if you are looking to apply, press 1. If you're already a member, press 2- (PRESS) ...If your looking to speak to the CEO, say your name-"

"Oh jeez, AGENT ROSEN!"


"...What?"

"Charlie! One, Mission Accomplished. And TWO, our friggin ride just went away! How are we supposed to get back?"

"Just use the back-up car. Dasvidaniya."

(HANGS UP)


We took the leftover back-up van, and rolled back into the headquarters. Hoping that there were no more assignments for the week, we gathered in the office of the CEO. I knocked on the door, lightly.


...


BANGBANGBANGBANG


"Who is it?"

"It's Agent Protag, Mr. Cr1TiKaL."


MISSION PASSED:

Avocadoland!

Achievements:

Moar Eurobeat! +40!

Grand Heist/Rescue +70!

Dollars earnt: +0$

Total Dollars: 100,000$


Chapter 2: MoshFest 03'


"Okay, come on in."

I walked into Critikal's office. He had become the CEO about 3 months ago after hearing the G-Fuel sponsorship we had, to which he's ran all our schedules. He was sitting with hundreds of paper airplanes stacked in a corner under a wall-basketball net. It took me a minute to muster the courage to ask him this.


...


He raised his eyebrow at me. "Can I help you, Agent Protag?"

"Oh, Uhh are we off on Saturday?"

"Yes, why?"

"That's MoshFest."

"Ahh, I thought you were that type of guy. It's 2003?"

"Yeah."

"So, MoshFest 03' then, right. Sure, have fun."


I turned to walk away, but turned back around through a spin, then to Charlie.

"Wait, you sure you don't wanna come with us?"

"Only if Gangrene Green does a cover of Skynut, otherwise no."

"Oh, come on! It's the biggest nu-metal event of the century since MoshFest 02'!"

"Yes, AND, and it's gonna be broadcasted live on TV, I can just watch it in the office. Plus, 250,000 people? PPPFFFFT, fuck that."

"Okay fine. But I'm bringing Michael and Keyshawn-."

"PROTAG! ...We don't use first names at this establishment, rule number 94."

"Understood, kay bye!"

"See ya on the Telly!" Critikal signed off.


(DOOR SLAM)


Saturday was tomorrow, and tomorrow night was MoshFest 03'. Every year, they close off the airport for a night and set up the stage in an airplane hanger. The crowds were hilariously ridiculous, but well worth seeing our favorite bands at. Me, Michael, and Nut were gonna be there, right in the front, right in the moshpit. Hopefully we wouldn't get trampled or anything like that.


THE NEXT EVENING, MOSHFEST 03'


We parked the car in the grass parking lot, the only patch of grass in sight at the event. There were kegstands everywhere, ruthlesses bouncing on cars, and the stage was like a mile away. I could hear Orgy's "Blue Monday" playing in the distance, and I could see the up and down head-banging of the crowd as the chorus blaired:


HOW DOES IT FEEL, HOW SHOULD I FEEL, HOW DOES IT FEEL, TO TREAT ME LIEK YOU DOO


We pushed heads outta the way getting towards the moshpit to have the same done to our heads, and kick some ass, and sniff the holy oder of music, some of the worst ever made, but still music.

All the big dogs were there, Slipknot, Korn, Deftones, and Rage Against The Machine. However while RATM was on stage, something happen while they were playing "Testify".


ONES WHO TWARVEL DNOW IN COFFENS

ON DA CORNA- (inhales)

DA JUREYS SLEEPLESS, (coughing)

WE FOUND YA, (cough,cough) weakNESS

And ET'S LEFT IN, -side ya door now,

Testif... (FALLS TO THE GROUND)


Zach de la Rocha fell to the ground unconcise and was taken to the hospital, they said he simply ran outta breath.


The next band to perform was Limp Bizkit, but while they were about to play, Fred Durst noticed us from the concert last year, and started spouting off about the last few bands to play.


9 Teen 90 Nine by LIMP BIZKIT playing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JOn5DhFRyZY


They then delved into 9 Teen 90 Nine, and then crowd went all-out-crazy-frickin-alive-undead-life!


3 hours later, it was the last band to play, the best one. Gangrene Green! They got on stage, all four a' them, and stuff got wild.


"OH MI GOD, ITS JAIDEN FRIENDLY!!!" I screamed.

"OH HOLI SHTI!" Michael responded.

How to Spin that Dreadcrow

"HES SO HOT!"

"I KNO RIGHT?!"

"JAIDEN WE LOVE YOU!!!"


Something strange I noticed was that Mixed Nut was completely silent while we were wailing whales.

Right off the bat, they launched into my favorite song of all time.


"MoshFest 200-mothafuckin'-three! SPIN THAT DREADCROW!"


(NU-METAL RIFF, SLAP BASS, UNNECCESARY TURNTABLE SCRATHCES)


The whole crowd was bumping into each other cuz everybody, AND I MEAN EVERYBODY, was Spinning that Dreadcrow! The only one not, was Nut.

After the song was over, they were about to do a cover Skynut, but DJ Fumeslayer noticed someone familiar in the crowd, and grabbed a tiny little mic, and walked over to where Jaiden was.

He spoke with a robotic Stephen-Hawking voice. "MR. FRIENDLY, I SEEMINGLY RECOGNIZE A HUMAN IN THE CROWD."

"Who was it, Fumeslayer?"

"OVER THERE, THE HUGE COOKIE."

Jaiden looked down, and saw Mixed Nut, who looked back at him with a surprised frown like Eminem face.


"...Keyshawn?"

"Friendly?"

"...You little SHHHHH-!" Shaun Conman stopped him from lunging into the crowd.


"Jaiden, please. We'll settle this accordingly."


A reluctant Jaiden Friendly invited Nut on the stage. "Okay, let's see what verse's you got, Mixed Nut."

The crowd soared, and Nut equally angerly walked on stage.


I asked Michael, "Why are they so angry towards each other?"

"Mixed Nut and Jaiden Friendly had a beef a while ago, don't know why. I think they're about ta do a rap battle."


Nut walked on stage, and was standing on the left side of the stage, and Friendly on the other side.

"Alright, DJ Fumeslayer! Get me a beat! ...COME ON!"


BEAT by Valentine Beats: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xpu7zuIEuO8


They warmed up as the hook played, giving each other scare quick jumps, strutting shoulders, and Jaiden went first:


Jaiden Friendly:

AYO,

MIXED NUT'S AN ASSHOLE

EVERYBODY KNOWS DIS,

BUT WHAT HE DONT KNOW TODAY'S

THAT THIS DISS GON END THIS

WE GO BACK A WHILE

BACK TO SALAD DAYS

THE DAYS WEN WE WOULD SIT

AND HE'D PICK THE BUGGERS OUTTA HIS NOSE


NOT JUST THAT, THIS COOKIE DOUGH-MADE-ASS

LOOKIN MOTHA FUCKA GOT NO GOOD DRAWRS, HOW'D I KNOW THIS?

HE TOLD ME! HE AINT STRAIT,

AINT STRAIT UP GANGSTA

MAYBE STRAIT UP PRANKSTA

MORE LIKE PRANKSTA VICTAM!


DOES IT LOOK LIEK HES BOUTA WIN

SCREW THIS SHIT, HE DONT GOT IT

TREMBELING MESS OF QUICKSAND

QUICKSAND, QUICKSHITTER, TAKES A SHIT

DONT GOT NO BALLS,

I'VE WATCH YOU THROW POOP ON THE WALLS


LOOK INTO DEEZ EYES, I SAY

YOU SAY DEEZ NUTS, YOUR IMMATURE

AINT GOT NO IDEA OF WHAT THE FUCK YOU DON TO ME

HEY AUDIENCE, TAKE A LOOKSEE

HELLOSKI!

IT LOOKS LIKE MIXED NUT AINT GOT NO MORE POUSKI!


("AAOOOOOOOOOOOAHAHOOAHAHAHHAOAAOAOAAH, WHAT HE GONNA DO!?")


(Same beat is used)


Mixed "Keyshawn" Nut:

WHADUP,

OH, SO YOU THINK YOUR TOUGH,

HEY MOTHAFUKAS, STEP RIGHT UP STEP RIGHT UP

TO BECOME THE WORLD'S FIRST PERSON TO DISS MIXED NUT

SITTING THERE WHILE YOU BUST A NUT


YOU THINK ABOUT BUSTIN A NUT IN YOUR HEAD

BUT THE PROBLEM ISNT THAT THE CROWD IS HERE

NO, THATS FINE, THATS ALL GOOD

IT'S JUST THAT YOUR HEADS JUST SO FULL OF NUT ALREADY


AND NOT JUST THAT, ITS FULL A MEMORIES FROM THE TIMES

YOU THINK ABOUT ME DISSIN YOU, BELIEVE ME IT MUST

BE A PAIN, TO THINK ABOUT ALL THIS

SHIT, BUT BELIEVE ME IT'S REAL, HOMIE


LOOK IN THA MEIROR, HYPOCRITE, HYUPO-HYPOCRITE

SEE YOURSELVE AT THAT TIME WE WERE WATCHING THE SPIN THAT DREADCROW VIDEO

YOU HAD ME AS A MANNIQUIN AT ARBYS, WHY?

WHY THO? YOU CLAIM SATIRE

BUT IT'S ACTUALLY CUZ YOU LIKE IT!


WEENIE HUT JUINOR LOOKIN ASS

DISNEY JUINOR LOOKIN ASS

RACHEL LOOKIN ASS

MOTHAFUKIN UP INSIDE THE MINDS OF THESE PEOPLES

Man I'm so sorry, really.

OH but hey!

YOU DIDN'T THINK ABOUT ME HOOKIN UP WITH YOUR ANKHA, Friendly Peoples!


(AOOAOOOOOHOOOHAOAOHAHOAOHAOHAHOAHOAHAAOAHOAOHA)


As you may have guessed, Mixed Nut won the battle. Even me and Michael were clearly AOOOHHing. But as Nut began to walk off stage, something happened.


(PUNCH, PUNCH, KICK, HIT)


Out of nowhere, Shawn Conman began beating the shit outta Mixed Nut, and the audience got up onto the stage, and several huge fights broke out. Somebody kicked the TV Camera, so the whole event was just happening there and only there. It was abominable.

I don't know exactly what happened, but after 5 minutes I was able to get our man Mixed Nut outta there, and we ran backstage, through the other bands, accidentally bumped into Fred Durst, and jumped over a huge fence.

We eventually got to a street, where I got a call from Critikal.


"Yeah?"

"Wow, holy shit! That was quite the blow up!" he said enthusiastically.

"What? Nothing happened it-..."


I realized Charlie had been watching MoshFest on the TV the whole time. He saw the whole thing.

"Boss! It wasn't our fault! I-It was a misunderstanding!"

"No, not that! Agent Nut's verses were FLY-EYE!"

"Critikal you don't understand! WE ALMOST DIED OUT THERE!"

"Oh, all I saw was a bunch of people getting in a fight on stage, then the camera went to Technical Difficulties. See you at headquarters tomorrow."

(HANGS UP)


I started to hear sirens and hundreds of News and TMZ vans flying by us, and a helicopter flying over to the stage.


MISSION PASSED:

MoshFest 03'!

Achievements:

The More You Know +80!

TMZaaeh! +100!

Dollars earnt: -10$

Total Dollars: 99,990$


Chapter 3: Responses & Apologies


We got back to headquarters and each went to our singular dorm rooms. I went on my laptop and onto Google, and the auto-fill blinded me with it's glory.


m


moshfest 03

moshfest riot

moshfest disaster

mixed nut rap battle

moshfest rap battle

gangrene green

mixed nut and shawn conman cancelled

president joel to lift ban on bourbon and anime


I was interested most in the last article, and looked at that first.

Then I decided to turn on the TV to Fox News. It had helicopter footage over the article and green screen.


"We're coming in live just outside of Miami, CA where a riot is currently ongoing at the airport, which had it's annual Nu-Metal festival, MoshFest screwed up!"

"Currently about 3 people are reported missing, and thousands others injured. The original cause of the incident was not yet reported, but it is alleged that a heated rap battle between Gangrene Green vocalist Jaiden Friendly and retired rapper Mixed Nut that took place minutes ago was the fuel needed. Coming up at 11, Dhar Mann responds to allegations of copyright striking? After this."

Unfortunately, Fox News is owned my TMZ, so this is all they report on now.

I then went to YouTube, looking for answers, and all there were was Scarce videos about the incident, I decided that would be the best bedtime story of all time, so I fell asleep to Scarce videos.


...


...


...


ATTENTION ALL AGNETS, PLEASE ENTER THE MAIN HALL NOW FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCMENT, ALSO THERE'S COFFEE AVAILABLE ON THE SIDE blaired the CEO alarm.


I realized my laptop had been playing YouTube for hours, but the battery was still at 97%.


IN THE MAIN HALL...


It seemed every agent that has ever been a member ever of the CIMC was here. People were crowding together, and it sounded like a school lunch room. Oh, HEY COFFEE!


"What the hell's going on?" asked Michael.

"I doNo. Maybe it had to do with the anime ban lifted?"

"Oh hell yah!" said Nut.


...


"I-It was, HAVE YOU BICHS NOT HEARD OF SARCASM?"


Finally, Critikal walked on stage, with hundreds of orange juices being thrown onto him, and a mix of cheering and booing.


(MIC FEEDBACK), "Uh, Good Afternoon, Agents. I-I know a catastrophe has occurred not 12 hours ago in our own state. And I just wanted to update on the situation at hand and up front."


The crowed got even louder, and we waited for him to continue.


"It- uh, frickin' THEY- THEY MADE AN APOLOGY VIDEO!"


Silence...


"Okay!? Now, this is obviously a big deal, and it's our responsibility as a the CIMC, to make sure it fits the criteria. Here it is."


The projector showed the at first not-fullscreen apology video. It was titled "Response to the Incident" by Jaiden Friendly. He was seated in his living room, and had looked like he was trying to cry for about the past 45 minutes. Speaking of which, it was a 45 minute long video.


"(deep breath) I know this is going to be very hard for me. ...But I just had to make this video for me, f-for my fans. ...I just wanted to say I'm, ...I-I mean we're looking into the families and the victims that went with this disaster that happened, and I know Mixed Nut, ...y-y'know he's one of my biggest fans and homeboys I, everybody there was just a big homie more than anything and to have this shit happen is just..."


40 Minutes later...


"That's all I wanted to say. Love you guys, bye."


Critikal came back on stage, and looked down at us like The Rock. "You guys been taking notes?"


"YES." said the whole room.

"Alright, so did he say 'I'm Sorry' once in the video?"


SpongeBob raised his hand. "No."


"And did at least 5 statements in the video not mean shit?"


Michael raised his hand. "No, in fact I calculated at least 38 of them."


"And did it just be 45 minutes of rubbing sympathy and puppies into the face of the viewer?"


Gerard Way raised his hand. "Yes, plus a 10 minute section of him petting his dog."


"All correct! We have gone over this video and confirmed another thing. In approximately 36 hours, the President is going to have a press conference for the incident, and has commissioned us to help write the script. We have decided that if anything goes wrong, or if Gangrene Green is proven wrong, war will be declared on YouTube. You all may return to your dorms."


I got back to my dorm, open up YouTube once again, and saw thousands of videos titled, "MOSHFEST RESPONDED!?" "JAIDEN FRIENDLY APOLOGY VIDEO FAKE?" "gangrene green's response video makes me sick"


At that point, it didn't really matter. Cuz tomorrow, we were gonna meet the President of the United States, Independent-Party leader President Joel.


MISSION PASSED:

Responses & Apologies!

Achievements:

Hey what's up guys it's Scarce here +95!

I just wanted to say I'm kinda-ish sorry! +200!

Dollars earnt: +0$

Total Dollars: 99,990$




Written by Minksdinkle7
Content is available under CC BY-SA


Comments • 0



Loading comments...