30Hs Potter and the Terribly Rendered Castle

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  • Draco Malfoy of Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone game for Play Station
  • Harry Potter of 30 H's () by SecondPillow
  • Enoby Way of My Immortal

"OH, Boo hoo! Potter can't get out of the castle!"

The blond-haired boy taunted. Draco stood defiantly in Harry's way, his blocky, polygonal arms rigidly stationed at his sides. "Oh dear, I think Potter is going to cry!" The pixilated mouth of the snarky first-year Slytherin contracted and distorted as he spoke. In his own mind, Draco was cleverly mimicking the mouth-movements of true human speech.

But Harry wasn't buying it.

Harry "30 h's" Potter stared the stubborn child down. He had come to see Sir Bumblecorp of the vast Sharkening, but the old buffoon had only disgraced him with scrones and chumpits. He was in a foul mood. However, he was always in a foul mood. Or he would be - had he the emotions of a human soul.

Harry's nostrils flared, his mighty cape flowing by the breeze of non-existent astral winds. He glared at the disgusting octagonal face of the sniveling pureblood child. And that's when Draco preformed offense number two; in Harry's opinion the first had been existing.

"Get a taste of my Wizard crackers!"

A glowing, cylindrical object was propelled forward toward Harry, as Draco waved his terribly-rendered flippers about maliciously. The festive projectile struck Harry upon the shoulder, and burst into a heated affair of rats and confetti. Potter swiftly punched through the fabric of reality with a clenched fist, and unsheathed Fuck Slayer from the rift of hell. It was another universe's hell, which happened to be a far less comfortable one than our own.

Harry swung his guitar, in a single motion so swift; it was invisible to human eyes. From across the room, the force of air from Harry's mighty swing lashed through Draco's puny form - tearing him in half.

"You... damaged my broomstick, Potter!" Draco exclaimed with his dying breath. The malformed Malfoy became limp as blood poured out of his body. However, his bleeding was a low quality particle render, which appeared more like an eruption of tiny red squares, making the scene far less graphically scarring than intended.

"Oh my Draco, NOOOOO!111!"

A goffik young woman with long ebony black hair with red tips reaching her mid-back screeched from behind Harry. Tears of blood trickled down the girl's make-up caked face. Her boyfriend, Draco, was strewn about in front of Hogwarts main entry way. His graphical representation flickered, and promptly dissipated. "Thirty Hs Potter, u MUTHA FOKKER!" she screamed, pointing her womb. Harry turned his head around to glare at the imbecile.

But as the Ebony-haired goth threateningly directed her innermost reproductive organs at the Dark Wizard Potter, she suddenly felt her body get all hot. Like an erekshun, only she's a girl so she didn't get one - you futanari loving perverts!

"O my dfokking satin!" She gasped as she looked into Harry's slitted green eyes. They were filled with so much seething raw hatred and psychotic murderous intent for all of existence for no reason at all that SUDDENLY she didn't feel mad anymore!

"it ok, hes wil b fine soANY WAY Lizzen my nams Egogy and ur fokkin sexxxay!111" Borked Ebony. "mebby we can go to the mcr conshit 2nite" She offered, feeling hot at the prospect of making out sexxily and suicidally with the powerful force of evil.

Harry approached the girl and knelled down. He grasped one of her molecules between two of his finger nails and gave a sharp tug.

"Omfk wtf u suppid PREP!" Enoby wailed, her strands of DNA unraveling as her entire molecular structure collapsed. The woman's form imploded, liberated goffik energy emanating powerfully outward in the form of a ear-splitting cover of a song by Good Charlotte as sung by screaming Germans.

Rid of these annoyances, Harry motherfucking Potter was free to leave the castle at his own will. He stared at the door as the non-Felton-voiced Draco's empty threats echoed in his head. "I never needed to leave your pathetic castle..." Harry mumbled to himself.

Harry then did outplay the volume of Ebony's screaming German essence with a guitar rift upon the mighty FuckSlayer. Harry's melody ripped the castle of Hogwarts straight from the earth, creating a powerful jarring motion that utterly and entirely disrupted Snape and Jeriayh-sensy's wedding in the great hall, and splashed tropical punch across the entire front of Tito's favorite shirt.

The castle ground was propelled upward, zooming through the sky with such speed that the stone walls caught on fire, and with such feverish intensity that the fire caught on fuckfire. It burned brilliantly - even as it zoomed through space, which had no air. Harry continued his guitar solo as he bent the forces of gravity and compelled the great fortress to smash straight into the side of Mars, destroying the fuck out of Pigfarts simply to add insult to Draco's obliteration.

Harry stared down at the desolation. He considered eating a Scrone.

On the game over screen, Poppy Pomfrey scolded Draco for pissing off a fucking deity.

Credited to SwampDragon 

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