A Clockwork Plum
A parody of A Clockwork Orange, featuring Michael Rosen
Michael V.O: There was me, that is Michael Rosen, and my three droogs, Harrybo; George, and my brother (Bryan) and we sat in the Korova plum bar trying to make up our minds what to do with the evening. The Korova Plum Bar sold plums, or plums plus or TOENAILS or chocolate cake which is what we were eating. This would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old Michael Rosen Rap. Our pockets were full of plums so there was no need on that score, but, as they say, when I was 6 I ate a bag of plums.
Later on...
(Michael walks through a tunnel and sees Dave)
Dave: MISS, CAN I GO OUT AND DO SOME BREATHING.
(Michael rams his stick into Dave)
Dave: OH GO ON, MISS, OH GO ON!!!
Michael: Hard luck, Dave. Always knew you were a bit weak!
Michael V.O: Once a boy called Richard came to school and said he said he could hypnotise people. So we said he couldn't so he said he'd show us on the playground.
Richard: Right. Who wants a go?
Trevor: Yeah, me!
Michael V.O: So this boy, Richard, made Trevor lie down on the ground on his back and he took this gold ring out of his pocket and he put it very carefully between Trevor's eyes, on the bridge of his nose. Then Richard took this conker out of his pocket; it was on the end of a string and he starts swinging the conker, to-and-fro, in front of Trevor's eyes and he starts off talking in a spooky voice.
Richard: Watch the conker, watch the conker. Go to sleep, go to sleep. Watch the conker, watch the conker. Go to sleep, go to sleep.
Michael V.O: And it went on for ages and we were all crowding round, dead quiet, watching Trevor listen to Richard.
Richard: HE'S HYPNOTISED!
Michael V.O: Blimey!
Suddenly, the going in bell went BOING BOING, at that Trevor stands up, HE JUST STANDS UP. HA! Dusts himself down. So we all crowded round asking if he was hypnotised.
Trevor: Only thing that happens is I've got a rotten headache!
Michael V.O: While everyone was distracted, we stole a car.
(Michael and his gang steal a car)
Michael V.O: The car drove away faster than an electronic rabbit. Then we headed to the house of my old teacher, Miss Goodall, that was a real kick and good for laughs and lashing of the ultra-violent.
(The car parks up)
Michael shushes everyone and gets out of the car.
Michael rings the doorbell.
Miss Goodall: Yes? Who is it?
Michael: QUICK, GET OUT OF HERE, GET OUT!!! THE SKYFOOGLE HAS ESCAPED!!!
Michael and his gang put on their masks (they have masks that look like plums) and rush into the house, carrying and dragging the Miss Goodall along with them.
Michael starts to sing the "Michael Rosen Rap".
Michael:
(singing)
You may think I'm happy, you may think I'm sad.
You may think I'm crazy, you may think I'm mad.
(He hits Miss Goodall with a stick in the time to the music)
But hang onto your seats and listen right here, I'm gonna tell you something that'll burn your ear.
A hip, hop, a hip hop hap, I'm giving you all the Michael Rosen rap.
(Michael hits Miss Goodall with his stick again.)
(Michael returns home)
Alex passes a mural in the hall featuring THE SKYFOOGLE.
Alex goes into his room, and tosses some plums into a bag of plums.
He gets some tomatoes.
Michael (V.O.): It had been a wonderful evening and what I needed now to give it the perfect ending was a bit of the old tomato. When I get in if there's one thing I love it's a FAT, RED TOMATO! I love the feel of my tongue and lips on the tight skin as I make my my teeth *bites* cut into the flesh so the juice jumps into my mouth; the coolNESS, and the wetNESS! So now I get some pepper and put a few grains on the flesh, so then my next bit of tasty feel starts under my tongue! I get a piece of bread and all the wheaty-mealy stuff mixes with the juicy tomato stuff, and that's the way it goes down now; bread and tomato, tomato and bread in a lovely wet grainy, savoury, flavoury, round-the-mouth, fruity, bready mush.
Michael wakes up the next day
Mum: Michael, wake up.
Michael: No need to shout. No need to yell. No need to have a riot. Shut your eyes, take a deep breath. Oh, you've gone all quiet!
Mum: I've got to be off myself now.
Michael: Alright, Mum... have a nice day.
Later that day...
Michael (V.O.): A woman called May use to look after us sometimes. Her husband was a bus conductor and he could wink with both eyes. We used to meet him on the bus. When we got our tickets off him, if we were lucky, he'd wink one eye, then the other eye, then again. FANTASTIC! But best was May. When she came over, after tea, we played games. A game we would often play was where we poured all the raisins onto the floor and guessed how many raisins I could eat while touching May's big big butt.
Michael: 148!
May: 231
Michael V.O: Then we took 1 raisin each. I take 1, 1, put in in my mouth, May takes 1, 2, she puts it in her mouth.
I take 1, 3, into my mouth and May takes 1, 4 she puts it in her mouth.
So it went on. 131 in my mouth. 132 in May's mouth.
I loved May's big butt all chewy and sweet!
201 in my mouth. 202 in May's mouth. 203, last one, in my mouth!
May had guessed best. She had guessed 231. But now, we'd eaten all the raisins.
Even worse, my brother was home, and he saw me and May naked in a pile of raisins.
Michael rushes outside, with Bryan chasing him. Michael hits Bryan into the water with his hidden-plum cane.
Bryan falls into the water, and Michael slashes Bryan's hand with his plum-knife.
"Hard luck, Bryan. Always knew you were a bit weak!"
Michael laughs.
Michael V.O: A sad thing happened this week. It was my mum's coat. On the label, it says 'THE COAT THAT BREATHES'.
When everyone was out, I went up to it, where it was hanging up and I put my ear right close up to it.
But it had stopped breathing. I don't think Mum's noticed yet, and I don't know how to break the news to her.
If I go up to her and say 'MUM! Your coat's dead!' I think she'd be upset.
Michael: Quick, get out of here, get out. The coat is dead!
Bryan: One minute, Michael.
Bryan smashes a plum into Michael's face. The others run away, laughing.
Michael:
(screaming)
OH NO THIS IS HORRIBLE!!!
Michael (V.O.): There was a school prison underneath the school hall, where they used to string you up from the wallbars.
Michael: MISS! I've been up here for 3 weeks! And there's rats! AND THEY'RE NIBBLING MY TOENAILS!
Michael (V.O.): But some of us figured out, what you had to do to get out early, was to sign up for the NOOOOOO BREATHING technique.
Later, Michael is undergoing the NOOOOO BREATHING technique.
Michael: MISS! CAN I GO OUT AND DO SOME BREATHING?
The teacher: No, you've got all playtime to do it.
Michael: Oh go on, Miss, oh go on!
Michael V.O: At the beginning of the week their were 48 kids in our class! At the end of the week there were only 5 of them left. Yeah, at the end of the day you'd be stepping over kids just to get out the room.
Michael: Oh no! There's Melanie! That's a shame she was really nice! There's Dave. Hard luck, Dave. Always knew you were a bit weak.
Michael V.O: You know, people say to me, that if that's true, how come I'm here to tell the tell. Fair enough and I'll tell you. It's because the inspector thought that I was cured.
Later, at Michael's house...
Michael V.O: It's tea time and we're sitting at the table, and my Dad wants milk in his tea.
Dad: Could you get me the milk?
Michael V.O: So I get the milk. I sit down again. Then he wants butter for his bread!
Dad: Could you get me the butter?
Michael V.O: I get the butter. I sit down again. Then he wants a teaspoon for his tea!
Dad: Could you get me a teaspoon?
Mum: ONCE YOU GET THAT BUM OF YOUR'S STUCK IN A CHAIR YOU NEVER GET IT OFF AGAIN, DO YOU!
Dad: I can't get a moment's peace round here!
Michael V.O: My mum game me a tomato. When I get in if there's one thing I love it's a FAT, RED TOMATO! I love the feel of my tongue and lips on the tight skin as I make my my teeth *bites* cut into the flesh so the juice jumps into my mouth; the coolNESS, and the wetNESS! So now I get some pepper and put a few grains on the flesh, so then my next bit of tasty feel starts under my tongue! I get a piece of bread and all the wheaty-mealy stuff mixes with the juicy tomato stuff, and that's the way it goes down now; bread and tomato, tomato and bread in a lovely wet grainy, savoury, flavoury, round-the-mouth, fruity, bready mush. I was cured alright!
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