A Generic Pokemon Pasta
So I would say I've always been a fan of the Pokemon franchise. I will always cherish my memories of training my little grass frog to beat the shit out of everything that stands in its path. However, for a brief period, around the release of generation 5(Black/White, Black2/White2), I entered a phase where I thought I was too old for Pokemon. Obviously, I am no longer in that ridiculous phase. Because of this, I never got to play a gen 5 game. I would spend hours upon hours searching for a copy of the games on eBay or Amazon, only to find that the games are SO GODDAMN EXPENSIVE. Eventually, though, my search bore fruit, or so I thought. I found a copy of pokemon white(I prefer Zekrom, sue me) for the low, low price of a mere $25. Initially, I questioned it. "Why would a gen 5 game be this cheap?" "Is there maybe something wrong with it?". Eventually, my curiosity won out. I purchased the game and it promptly arrived within the next two days. When it finally arrived, my excitement peaked. I ran to grab my Nintendo 3Ds XL edition. As I inserted the cartridge, the all-too-familiar click of the cartridge fitting perfectly within the slot sounded like a perfect three-part harmony to my ears. As I booted up the game, I was greeted not by a 3D-rendered model of the Pitch-Black Pokemon, Zekrom, but by an odd Pokemon that resembled a fusion of Giratina and Kyurem.
That was not where the mystery ended, however, as instead of a title reading "Pokemon White version", it read "Pokemon Void version" in an odd, distorted, glitchy text. At this point, the thought crossed my mind that this was just some ROM hack and not the game I was expecting. However, "Pokemon is Pokemon is Pokemon is Pokemon", I thought to myself as I started a new game.
As I awoke to the iconic "Welcome to the world of Pokemon" screen, I was given a rude awakening, as instead of the grand, adventurous music I was expecting, I was given a warped, garbled mess of sounds that vaguely resembled the Lavender Town theme from Pokemon Red and Blue versions. On top of that, professor Juniper was replaced by a glitchy mass of pixels that reminded me of missingNo. At this point, I began to become uneasy, but being the brave, grown adult I am, I ventured farther into the game. As I made it to the part where I picked my starter, I noticed something. The starters had a solemn, almost mournful, look in their eyes. To this, I paid no mind as I chose the funni smug danger noodle(I names him Hat Kid). Now, I know what you're going to say, "Hey Dumbass, Snivy has the lowest base stat total of all the grass starters" but I don't give A SHIT ABOUT YOUR FUCKING OPINION, YOU BITCH. Now, the rivals were perfectly normal. Cheren was his usual stick-up-his-ass self, while Bianca was the embodiment of the stereotypical "Dumb Blonde". As soon as the battle began, I was startled by the fact that the rival battle music was replaced by an incoherent series of beeps and shrill eight-bit screams, which is what it sounded like at least that's how I interpreted it. When my favorite asshole Cheren's little pig reached critical health, I was disappointed, as the banger gen 5 critical health sound formed a nightmarish harmony with the messy cacophony of noises I was hearing as my ears began to bleed. It was ear-piercingly loud, even as I lowered my 3Ds volume.
Before I took on the first gym, I decided to catch some Pokemon. I ended up catching a rufflet(Tori-tan), a venipede(sting), a lillipup(Toto), and a psyduck(Migraine). Using these Pokemon, I thoroughly beat the shit out of the monke trio. Upon defeat, they began to panic about what he might do to them. Upon exiting the gym, I was shocked to be sucked into an encounter. The creature that appeared was a grotesque amalgamation of limbs, scales, stone, and a freakishly joyful face with a cry that sounded like the souls of millions of unborn children seeking revenge. I was terrified when I saw its level: 221. My fears were eased, however, when Hat Kid OHKO'd that motherfucker. Upon the creature's defeat, I was greeted by a mysterious shrouded figure who merely said, "Not yet. It isn't ready. Come back at a later time". This left me shaken to my core. After this, the game progressed normally up to the fourth gym, where I once again encountered the shrouded figure, who dropped a map with Castelia City labeled as "M".
Upon reaching the city, I followed the map to an abandoned building. From the outside, it didn't look like much, however, upon entering, I was greeted by walls covered in hyper-realistic blood and gore and bodies strewn along the floor. There was a door left ajar with a trail of blood leading to it. Reluctantly, I entered.
Inside was a pentagram, surrounded by hooded figures with the shrouded figure in the center. At this moment, my 3Ds, which had been muted earlier, began to produce loud, ritualistic chanting, and as this chant reached a fever pitch, the figure shouted, "Great beast of ancient destruction, the origin of all evils! MUGEDDAN, we beseech thee to come forth and submit to us!". It seemed I had entered the middle of some sort of ritual. It was at this point a large black void appeared and something began to emerge. The figure turned and saw me. I was drawn into a battle. The man said," Y0u Th1Nk Tha7 y0U COu1D P05s1Bly stand up to M3?!", as he sent out a hideous, level "z1w" monster. Upon defeating the man's monster, he sent out an even more horrifying beast. This continued for four more slots in his team. Upon his defeat, He began to levitate, contort, and shriek in a pitch so high, I don't think even a dog could hear it as he began to morph into a horrifying orb made up of arms, legs, and inorganic material surrounding one large, hyper-realistic human eye. This monstrosity had a mind-melting, pants-shitting, masochistic-pleasure-inducing level of ∞. I put up the strongest fight I could, but in the end, This "Mugeddan" creature won out. Instead of the normal, "You whited out" screen, my 3Ds screen began to flash with a series of horrifying images as every port began to ooze blood as the single, hyper-realistic eye began to appear. Terrified, I threw my 3Ds across the room. I then began to hear a rattling noise. And then, a skeleton popped out. He approached, pulled me in close, whipped out his big, juicy, bone, and began to bone me so hard that I died. YOU'RE NEXT, I WAS PHONE, and then I awoke. It was all just a dream. There was no such thing as pokemon. Evil PATRIXXX had raised me right. Now time to make my daddy proud.
Written by Bikun
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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