Adventure Time: Finn’s Metal Gear Revengeance

I was walking along the blood filled streets of Newtopian California, it was goat-sacrifice week. But then I stumbled into a garage sale, they had all sorts of VHS tapes and DVDs in the year of 2X12. I looked at the collection of tapes, and one stuck out to me. A solid red VHS tape with a sticker reading Adventure Time: Finn’s Metal Gear Revengeance. I never heard of this episode of Adventure Time. I could’ve sworn they had to recall this episode because any child who watched it would killselves. Which is exactly why I had to buy it to test to see if it was true. So I could mail it to my annoying cousins.

As soon as I held the tape I felt it taking over my body, just like those youtube video game reviewers. My body began to move on it’s own and brought me to a strange old man with blood-shot eyes, (his eyes weren’t bullet wounds, they are just dry). I asked him How much do you want for this AT-FMGR?(Adventure Time: Finn’s Metal Gear Revengeance)?

The old man ejaculated: “‘Sunny I’ll you hwwat, you can have that VHS tape only if you take my curse. The curse of having a skeleton pop out of your body at anytime.”

I texted back: “Bet."

And just like that I sealed my fate. I went back home to my parent’s house even though I was kicked out. But that wouldn’t stop me from watching this VHS tape. I had to watch it, the demons inside told me I had to watch it. Or else………….…………………

Once I put the VHS tape into my nintoaster it started playing. The intro was mostly normal. Except for a few details. The penguins at the beginning were eating each other instead of kissing each other. Then later Bubblegum princess was riding a headless Rainocorn. Rainocorns neck was sputtering blood all over the screen, and then the nintoaster broke because the blood seeped into the console.

Luckily I still had my Ipod Nano and inserted the VHS tape. As the intro continued, everything was normal. Except there was no music or audio, only a low buzzing noise. Once it was over the title card popped up, and this was when the shit hit the fan. The title card was absolutely horrific and disgusting. I can’t even bear to describe it to you dear viewer.

*sigh*

Fine I will describe it to you. Finn was eating Hawaiian pizza, with anchovies. It SPOOKED me, but I kept going. I had to keep watching no matter what.

Then the episode started. Finn was practicing with his golden sword, while Jake was playing video games with BMO.

Finn asked Jake

Finn: How is your lady-wife?

Jake: She’s doing alright. How are your harem of princesses?

Finn:What did you say, punk?"

Finn raised his sword towards Jake.

Jake: "Nothing man, it was just a joke. I’m just bustin’ your beans."

Finn: "Bet."

Finn threw his sword at mach 5 and the shock blast decimated Jake’s nonexistent bones until Jake was nothing more than a string of orange play-doh and blood splattered all over the treehouse.

Jake managed to stretch back to normal though.

Jake: "Finn, that huuuuuuurt. Dangit man."

Finn: "I told you to not hot cross buns me, son."

Jake: "Fine. Anyways you wanna go check if Ice King is up to any trouble?"

Finn: "Sure, Jake old pal."

Finn and Jake started walking towards the ice kingdom. Weirdly enough there was some weird film grain and the colors were inverted. And the music was obnoxiously loud, and also for some reason that buzzing noise appeared again a little louder. Finn then tripped on a rock and fell. And then got back up. Finally they reached the ice kingdom, except something was a little different.

All the snow was colored pink and almost looked like real flesh.I ripped a piece of skin off my arm to confirm if the texture was correct. And what do you know it was spot on, great job Visuals Artist! I super glued my skin back-on and gave it kiss. But while I was distracted Finn and Jake were already inside the Ice King’s house.

But everything looked so weird, there was limbs of all the different princesses of the land. Hotdog princesses legs, puppet princess glass crown, and lumpy space princesses lump. Just a single lump, not covered in blood, but baked beans sauce. Finn called out for Ice king’s name, but every time Finn yelled the Ice King’s name the screen got darker and darker.

Then Jake yelled out

Jake: "Finn, there he is!"

The Ice King flew from the window outside and his appearance was grossly. He had a disheveled beard, his eyes had bags upon bags, he wore socks with sandals, and it looked like he hadn’t showered in days.

Finn cried out

Finn: "Ice King, what have you done!?"

Ice king spoke, but for some reason his voice sounded like a knock-off of spongebob. It was like an older man’s voice, but also a little more whiny.

Ice King: "What do you mean my dear boy, I have simply taken what’s rightfully mine."

Finn: "Those were my ladies and you know it!"

Finn raised his yellow piss sword once again.

Ice King: "Finn what’s up with you? Your suppose to be all righteous and heroic. And nooooowwwww you want all the princesses for yourself?"

Finn: "You know it, old man!"

Ice King: "You’ll have to pry them from my cold dead hands, you cuck!"

Finn began to swing his sword at the ice king. Pieces of Ice King’s hair were being cut away in a flurry.

Ice King: "Finn, gobdangit! Watch the beard!

Jake: "Finn! Keep Swinging your sword! His weakness is his beard!"

Ice King: "It’s not, you dolt, it’s my cro--"

But the damage was too late. Finn with one last slice cut away the rest of Ice King’s beard. Revealing that Finn had actually made deeper wounds in the Ice Kings face. There was scratch marks and blood stains covering the Ice King’s face.

Suddenly, his eyes began to roll in the back of his head, his eyes changed from cum white to red velvety cake red hyperrealistc eyes. Ice King also spoke in a new different distorted voice. And the buzzing from the Ipod Nano became louder.

Punished Ice King: "N0w l0oK aT wat y0u’ve d0n3, I’11 hAv3 2 punisssh y0u b0is."

But then suddenly the tape went black. Once again I had to find another device to play it on. But this is my last resort. I plugged in my Sega Genesis with all the add-ons included. The Sega CD, the Sega 32x, the power base converter, cleaning cart, X-band Modem, Sonic and captain k'nuckles, Game Genie, Action Replay Pro, Honey Bee converter, and to top it all off my mint copy of Bubsy 3D. I promptly threw Bussy 3D out the window and inserted the VHS tape into the Sega tower of power.

Then the VHS began to play againnnn.

As the tape cut back, it was a new scene. Now there was a permanent red filter ontop of the tape. The screen was also much darker than before. Finn and Jake were running away from the Ice King desperately. Finn and Jake ran and ran until they made it to a dark cave. The Ice King outside was like a beast, monitoring the area for the quietest heavy breaths.

Finn and Jake clinged on to each other out of fear. Both of them were trembling and in a cold sweat. Finn’s hands wouldn’t stop moving and fidgeting, while Jake couldn’t control his breath. Jake continued to make loud wheezing sounds, trying to center his breath but failed to keep quiet. Then, Finn raised his sword with malicious intent, and slowly pushed the edge of the blade against Jake’s neck. Finn knew that Jake would give away their position like this and decided to end Jake’s life.

Before the blade pierced Jake’s neck, Jake bit one of Finn’s finger’s off as revenge. Prompting Finn to cover his mouth with his other hand. But the deed was done, Jake was no more. Finn relaxed against the rocky cave wall in relief.

Then it was too late.

The Ice King whipped and nay nay-ed around the corner and jumped at Finn. Finn yelled in agony as the Ice King bit at Finn’s neck. For no matter how much Finn screamed, he was alone in the world.

The tape went to black. After watching this episode, all I can say is, shit was mid. But at least this will get rid of my cousins.

THEN IT HAPPENED the skeleton inside me was coming out just as the old man said it would. The skeleton used my skin as a strip tease to sensually come out of my skin. Leaving me torn in two, but I’m a-ok, I don’t need no bones, I’m my own man godaamit. At least I’m still alive, I can’t imagine what else could pawsiblly go wrong? But then something pawsibliy went wrong. I didn’t hear it until now, but the buzzing noise was at it’s loudest and seemed to rumble inside the red VHS tape.

SUDDENLY A MILLION BEES CAME OUT OF THE TAPE AND STARTED TO STING ME. WHICH WOULD BE FINE, EXCEPT I AM ALLERGIC TO BEES. GUESS I’LL FUCKING DIE THEN.

Teh End.

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