Alfred the Not Drugs Dealer Lost Episode
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME THAT UVE HEARD OF THIS SHOW. I CANT FIGURE OUT Y NO 1 REMEMBERS THIS CLASSIC 80S SITCOM! I'M NOT CRAZY OK? HERE ARE SOME PICTURES OF MY CLASSIC ALFRED THE NOT DRUGS DEALER LUNCH BOX AND THERMOS:
I was OBSESSED with Alfred the Not Drugs Dealer when I was growing up in the 80s I never missed an episode. Well like I said before I NO ONE and I mean NO ONE remembers this show and they act like I'm crazy when I show them my Classic Alfred lunch box and thermos like I said.
With the advent of the internet and the Dark Web I knew that SOMEWHERE i would fine SOMEONE who had heard of this frickin show! One dark and stormy night I was on a Deep Web form called xXxMORBID_NOSTALGIA_666_NOT_PATRIXX_RELATEDxXx and I was talking about the show as usual and a user by the name of UltraAlfredTheNotDrugsDealerFanAndAlsoNotPatrixx667 said "Oh yes very good you know of that show. You shall enjoy this lost epesode I have in my posession yes yes!" The next thing I knew i got an email from this address even tho I hadn't given him my email adrss (I just figured that he was a hacker) and sure enough it had a file called "Alfred_Not_Drugs_Dealer_Lost_Episode.avi" attatched to it. I was EUPHORIC! Not only had someone else on planet frickin Earth heard of this amazing show but they had a LOST EPESODE!? I was estatic so I poped some popcorn and loaded the file up in Windows Media player (Movies & TV on windows 10 lol)
The Video was obviously a recording of an Old VHS tape that someone had taped off of live TV. The channel announcer said "Remember kids tonight is a special airing of 'Alfred the Not Drugs Dealer' its a secret epesode that will never be on DVD or YouTube in the future when those things exist" I was SOOOO Pumped. Before it played the secret episode it played a rerun of an episode that I remembered so well from my childhood. It was the one where Alfred uses his trusty 357 magnum and shoots a bunch of evil gang members for doing Claritin. OH the memories! But then it preceeded to play the lost epesode.
—
Alfred's mom was in the kitchen cooking some lunch and Alfred came in the room and said "Sup homedogs?" The live studio audience cheered for him like they always did when he came on screen. Alfred's mom said "Lunch is almost ready but I think I heard the mailman can you get the mail for me?" Alfred said "Sho thing Mama, Smell ya later!" (The audience laughed) Alfred went outside and saw a lagre package. He opened it and when he did static appeared on the the screen in the area, and a lo-fi staticy voice said something but I couldn't understand it. I was a little disappointed, it seemed like the VHS had been damaged... Anyway Alfred said "Yo dawn that ain't hop with no jive y'all, what y'all thinking y'all's doing crackalacka?" (Crackalacka is Alfred the Not Drug Dealer's catchphrase). Then i saw what appeared to be an empty auditorium and a voice said "This epesode was NOT filmed in front of a live studio audience - the darkness has take them!" I said "WHAT!?" out loud and couldn't believe what I was seeing...
In the next scene Alfred was in his room writing his manifesto about not dealing drugs and his Mama came in and said "I don't like your friend Alfred, He's giving me weird looks." Alfred said "Yo dawg you say that about every guy you meet, yo!" (The audience lauged hysterically) she said "Alfred, I don't think you're friend is from this planet!" "You say dat about all my friends to Ma!" Alfred said (The audience lauged again). She said "NO Alfred, he's from another dimension!" the screen cut to static and it sounded like the laughtrack was screaming now and the screen was flashing the word "Laugh". I was so confused.
Next alfred was in the back seat of his car and his Mom was driving very fast somewhere and she said "Son, this is for your own good!" Alfred said "Slow down Moms, I think i seen some hot chicks back there yo!" This time there was no laughtrack and Alfred's mom said "Cameron! STop the act this is like for real!" This was weird because the actor who plays Alfred the Not Drugs Dealer was named Cameron Skullerton and he said "Mom why you scared!? Are we goin to the in-laws or somethin?" she yelled back "Cameron we're going to HELL! Don't you understand that something is happening?" "Oh so we are going to the in-laws" Alfred said back. Then Alfred's mom said "This isn't the show anymore this is real! Snap out of character this is real!!!" then the screen cut to static again and creepy letters said "Why aren't you laughing? Laught with us ok?" It was SO SCARY!
It then cut to the livingroom set but it was empty and there was a laughtrack playing nonstop on a loop. A man then walked on the set and said "I am George Pattington, the creator of Alfred the Not Drugs Dealer. I want to apologize. None of this was supposed to happen. I'm sorry you all died and are now in hell with me. It's all over now, you can rest in peace knowing that this was NOT MY FAULT OK!? I'm not the one who summoned C'Shan - YOU DID THIS!"
It then abruptly cut to camcorder footage of some fat guy. He said "Ok look, hi, my name is Agent F, I investigate paranormal phenomena associated with the cult known as the 'Church of C'Shan'. Please, if you are watching this STOP! Discard this tape its a trap! Whoever gave this to you is trying to kill you or even worse! Most likely you got this tape from Evil Patrixx or one of his minions. PLEASE I BEG YOU DON'T BECOME ANOTHER STATISTIC OF THE PATRIXX!" it then cut again.
This time it was in the kitchen set and all was normal. Alfred's mom was making lunch again and Alfred came into the room. As soon as he did his mom said "Get the mail, honey." and he said "Yo Mama what's good." A very loud laughtrack then played. It hurt my ears. Alfred's mom then said "They're laughing at you." and Alfred screamed "YOU HAVE LAUGED FOR THE LAST TIME!!!" he then had a machine gun and he started shooting the audience and you could see blood spraying and you could hear them screaming. Suddenly I started laughting. I didn't think it was funny, but my laughter was uncontrolable, and I felt really bad because I'm not suppost to laugh at something like this! Words appeared on the screen "Good job Johnathan!" they said. I got a little freaked out becaue that IS my name, but its pretty common so I just assumed it was some kind of sick joke.
The tape then cut back to the camcorder footage of that agent guy from before, but this time he was a bloated rotting corpse! Then Patrixx walked into frame and shoved the corpse over and said. "This video is now in your head! You cannot stop watching it! Also I have superglued your eyes to the screen!" I tried to run but I couldn't my eyes were indeed stuck in place!
The tape then cut again to Alfred's bedroom and and the staticy thing from earlier was in his closet. Alfred was angry "Ma! We need to lay out traps the pest is still in the house! I Told you we should call an exterminator!" Alfred's mom came in the room, but she looked like a rotting corpse - like a zombie! Alfred said "Mama put your makeup on!" but then her head fell off and there was another really loud laughtrack. The static thing then moved out of the closet and suddenly Alfred had hyperrealistic eyes and said "Yo kids I'm gonna commit suicide." Here's a screenshot:
Alfred then leaped from his second story window and he landed on the concrete sidewalk. It then showed him with his head twisted backwards and his eyes had poped out and they were still hyperrealistic and blood was all over the ground. Another loud laughtrack played. Then for some reason the Seinfeld theme played. I threw up.
It then cut to the living room again and the bodies of Alfred and his mother were sprawled out on the floor. Somehow they were still able to talk in gurggly gutteral voices. Alfred said "Mama how do it feel yo? How do it feel to be in this much pain!" She responded "PRAISE C'SHAN!!!" Alfred said "That is right! Everone should praise his name!" Then Alfred's dad came home from work. He looked at them and said "What are you 2 doing after I worked all day!?" Alfred's mom said "We are praising C'Shan for all of his glorious works!" He responded "Jeez Mary I just got home from working overtime and you're already nagging me!? That's a new record." An unbearably loud laughtrack played again. Alfred's mom then said "You are blind unto the glory of C'Shan! You will now JOIN US!" The dad said "Whatever, I'm gonna watch some football." He turned on the TV and it showed the scene where Alfred killed himself. Alfred's dad was like "WHAT!?" but then the staticy thing came out of the TV Screen and he screamed "NONONONONONO!" it then enveloped him and the screen said "Now you shall join us!" then the staticy thing came out of MY MONITOR and it was revealed to be MISSINGNO.! The screen was flashing "PRAISE C'SHAN" and I was still locked in place so I couldn't run away. I was screaming in fear and all I could see was glitchy stuff as I was enveloped by Missingno..
After that I woke up, and I don't really notice any differences as I write this now. I can't help notice though that there is no sun and it's really cold and there is no one else in the world. There are cameras and stage lights everywhere which is a bit odd, but I will update you with more.
—
Update:
JOIN US AND PRAISE C'SHAN!!!
You're next.
The end.
Written by Church of C'Shan
Content is available under CC BY-SA
| Comments • 0 |
Loading comments...
|
