Amazingly spooky tale

One time I was looking on Overstock.com for a DVD of earthbound 64 for my zbox 420. I found a listing that said "Men interested in Women" and the current bid was only $-3 so I raised the bid by $69 (heh, 69.) Except I lived in another place that didn't use dollars, because the Illuminati ruled the country and didn't allow them to use their image but I'm just using the $ symbol because I don't know how to type their currency symbol. Anyway, the box arrived 3 seconds before I confurmed my bid. I put the disc in my dishwasher and set it to sanitize. When it came out, instead of saying earthbound 64 it said something slightly different. To summarize, it said "Fourscore and seven years ago the illuminati came and" I realize you don't give a flying fudgesicle so I'll stop. When I put the game in my Magnavox Odyssey, I noticed that the graphics were hyper realistic. The music started but instead of the lyrics going "DUUUN DUHDUH DUN DUH DUUUUUH" it was all like "I thought love was only true in bel-air so I'm just gonna shake it off." I thought it was just an animation error, since it was made at Nickelodeon Organization for the Ethical Treatment of Animals by Maroon 5, and they always have glitchy asses. But when the song turned to the beat of Darude - Sandstorm, I tied the TV to my ankle and jumped into the Olympic sized swimming pool that was conveniently directly below my couch. I drowned and started bleeding from everywhere except my left testicle, which was normal because I was a girl. I came back to life for some reason and threw up 666x my body weight all over my collection of playbrony magazines, but I thought it was a glitch, so I tied my self to the scale model crucifix that was included with my paid order. I only had to pay an extra $6.66 shipping and handling. Satan came from hell and said, "Sorry wrong house, I'm looking for Lord GabeN." But MY name was Lorde GabeN. Maybe it didn't count because my name has an extra 'e' on the end. Anyway, Satan untied me and said the next time I did it I was off to hell, so I made sure not to. I bootied the game up and I was in overworld 1: Your mom. I didn't bare any thought to it, even though it was extremely scary for obvious reasons. Jimmy Nutrin came out of my screen and said, "This is all you're fault." I corrected him on his grammar, then looked down and saw I was wearing square pants with a Viacom nametag. I accidently tied myself to the crucifix in the exact same way as last time, and I'm ded and in hell where there's only 3G internet and it's really slow, but I had to get this message out there because it really happened. Or maybe it didn't. Either way, you're next. Also, if you're reading this and you liked it please give me money over kickstarter so I can get a Dominoe's pizza and a bottle of Viagra. I mean MTN Dew. I mean Viagra. Bye.

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