Anger Birds
You may know of the popular mobile game Angry Birds, or the menagerie of Angry Bird delights such as Angry Birds Star Wars or Angry Birds the movie. I am what you would call a connoisseur of these games, and recently I was trying to find an Xbox One copy of Angry Birds Trilogy. Typically, this game would cost you 60 U.S. dollars, but when I laid eyes upon the game at a Texas yard sale, someone was selling a copy for 666 U.S. dollars. I was flabbergasted and demanded an explanation, but bought it anyway. When I got home I made myself a BLT (I made sure to add honey mustard; it makes it so much better) and then when I went to put the game in, I noticed something. The game case said Anger Birds trilogy, not Angry Birds trilogy. I thought that it was bizarre and that maybe I had gotten a bootleg from China or Brazil. When I put the game in my Xbox One, it prompted me to install the game, an annoyance many a gamer today can relate to. The game was set to take up 666GBs on my Xbox One. I scoffed at the thought and uninstalled a few games to make room, another annoyance many gamers have to deal with these days. When installing the game, my download speed went at 66.6Mbps, meaning it would take 3 days to download, much like how many days it took Jesus Christ of holy Bible fame to come back from death.
The game finally finished installing, and I could hardly contain my excitement, and started the game from the Xbox One dashboard. It opened in a jiffy and I was met with the title screen.
"Anger Birds"
Not even trilogy! This was concerning me. I pushed the start button and was met with a level selector screen with 6 levels. "ONLY 6 LEVELS?" I screamed at the top of my lungs and my mother yelled "be quiet up there, Jake!" (My name is Jake, if you didn't know) and I apologized, because I thought if I didn't she would take my Xbox One away. I selected the first level, and there was a fortress with 4 pigs in it and it was shaped familiarly, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I launched the yellow bird (he can boost when you hit the A button) and BAM! it took out nearly the whole freakin' fortress and killed 3 of the pigs! I felt so proud. I then finished the job with a red bird, killing the last pig, earning me 3 stars. When the end of level screen popped up, instead of a pleasant chime every time a star popped up on screen, I was met with a horrific pig squeal noise. It was as if it was coming from my very room. I took the game out of the Xbox One and my heart couldn't stop racing... what was that?
After a few days, I had played the game up to level 5, and started to notice that the levels looked a lot like the houses of people that I knew, but wrote this off as a coincidence. My mother had told me that we were going to a party at the Jefferson's. Once we got there however, we were met with a spine-chilling scene. The house was in rubble! My mother was in tears, and I was simply shocked. Was this my doing? Was it... the birds? We went home, and I realized that the Jefferson's had 2 kids, meaning there were 4 people in the house, and level 1 looked like their house. I thought no, NO, there's no way that's true! There must be a mistake somewhere. That night I snuck out and went to the Jefferson's to investigate. Among the rubble I found tattered remains and bits of broken bone with feathers strewn about. I wanted to vomit, so I did. I had murdered the Jefferson's in cold blood. How could this have happened?!?
That's when I heard it, coming from Frederick's room. The familiar tune, except there was something wrong, it sounded incredibly distorted, almost unrecognizable, except to a connoisseur such as myself. When I entered Frederick's room, I saw his dead body on the bed, and although his Xbox One was burnt to a crisp, it was still powered on and his television displayed the title:
"Angered Birds"
My heart sank. I broke into a cold sweat. The game began to speak.
"You. Are. Next. Jake." But it was saying it in reverse.
I shuffled backwards. I was simply dumbfounded and quite scared. I immediately turned off his Xbox One and burned my hand on the charred off button. I went to the bus station and boarded the bus for 5 U.S. dollars. As I rode home, I could only think of the catastrophic demise of the Jefferson's abode, but then I pulled out my iPhone 12 and played Angry Birds Transformers (I finally beat the Deceptacon fortress level)! When I got home thirty minutes later, I noticed a weird flickering light in my room through my bedroom window while I was standing outside. I always turn the lights off when I leave my room! I stormed into my room and slammed the door (which woke up my mother and she threatened to take my Xbox One away if I did it again). All of a sudden, my television turned on and my Xbox One automatically booted up Angered Birds, just like the game at the Jefferson's!
An evil looking pig king appeared on my screen and told me to pick up my Xbox One controller which fell under my bed. I followed his command and picked up the controller, but something was different. The Xbox logo in the middle was glowing red and the controller began to shake (I thought I turned rumble off as it gets in the way as most gamers do). I tried to turn off my Xbox One console, but every time I pressed the power button a loud, gut wrenching pig squeal reverberated throughout my room.
The evil pig king then selected the 6th level, much to my dismay. He then said:
"Goodnight, Jake" this time in Portuguese (I think it was a Brazilian bootleg)!
I was shocked because the level looked exactly like my house! My mother, father, and sister each represented as pigs were in their respective rooms, with me, a bomb bird, in the slingshot.
The evil pig king began to shout:
"Do it, DO IT!"
My jaw dropped at his proposal and I begged for their lives. As I fell to my knees, I accidentally pressed the A button on my Xbox One controller which launched the bird into the house in the level. As I realized this fatal mistake, I heard a screeching "AWAAAAAEEEH" outside my window. A powerful "BOOM" struck the house as I heard my parents and sister scream. The walls collapsed like a poorly constructed gingerbread house and I saw the mutilated vestiges of my family, helter-skelter in the rubble. Miraculously, I survived. All I can hear is the screeching of the bomb bird and the screams of my family every time I play an Angry Birds game on my iPhone 12. This is my curse.
All an Angry Birds connoisseur like myself can ask is... why would Rovio Entertainment make such a dastardly game?
I am writing this from my local library to warn you. Anger Birds will destroy your life like it did mine! My life is in shambles and I will no longer purchase ANY Mighty Eagle power-ups when I play an Angry Birds game. DO NOT BUY ANGER BIRDS!
Written by Gantster
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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