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Anger Birds (view source)

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Not even trilogy! This was concerning me. I pushed the start button and was met with a level selector screen with 6 levels. "ONLY 6 LEVELS?" I screamed at the top of my lungs and my mother yelled "be quiet up there, Jake!" (My name is Jake, if you didn't know) and I apologized, because I thought if I didn't she would take my Xbox One away. I selected the first level, and there was a fortress with 4 pigs in it and it was shaped familiarly, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I launched the yellow bird (he can boost when you hit the A button) and BAM! it took out nearly the whole freakin' fortress and killed 3 of the pigs! I felt so proud. I then finished the job with a red bird, killing the last pig, earning me 3 stars. When the end of level screen popped up, instead of a pleasant chime every time a star popped up on screen, I was met with a horrific pig squeal noise. It was as if it was coming from my very room. I took the game out of the Xbox One and my heart couldn't stop racing... what was that?
 
After a few days, I had played the game up to level 5, and started to notice that the levels looked a lot like the houses of people that I knew, but wrote this off as a coincidence. My mother had told me that we were going to a party at the Jefferson's. Once we got there however, we were met with a spine-chilling scene. The house was in rubble! My mother was in tears, and I was simply shocked. Was this my doing? Was it…it... the birds? We went home, and I realized that the Jefferson's had 2 kids, meaning there were 4 people in the house, and level 1 looked like their house. I thought no, NO, there's no way that's true! There must be a mistake somewhere. That night I snuck out and went to the Jefferson's to investigate. Among the rubble I found tattered remains and bits of broken bone with feathers strewn about. I wanted to vomit, so I did. I had murdered the Jefferson's in cold blood. How could this have happened?!?
 
That's when I heard it, coming from Frederick’sFrederick's room. The familiar tune, except there was something wrong, it sounded incredibly distorted, almost unrecognizable, except to a connoisseur such as myself. When I entered Frederick's room, I saw his dead body on the bed, and although his Xbox One was burnt to a crisp, it was still powered on and his television displayed the title:
 
"Angered Birds"
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"You. Are. Next. Jake." But it was saying it in reverse.
 
I shuffled backwards. I was simply dumbfounded and quite scared. I immediately turned off his Xbox One and burned my hand on the charred off button. I went to the bus station and boarded the bus for 5 U.S. dollars. As I rode home, I could only think of the catastrophic demise of the Jefferson’sJefferson's abode, but then I pulled out my iPhone 12 and played Angry Birds Transformers (I finally beat the Deceptacon fortress level)! When I got home thirty minutes later, I noticed a weird flickering light in my room through my bedroom window while I was standing outside. I always turn the lights off when I leave my room! I stormed into my room and slammed the door (which woke up my mother and she threatened to take my Xbox One away if I did it again). All of a sudden, my television turned on and my Xbox One automatically booted up Angered Birds, just like the game at the Jefferson’sJefferson's!
 
An evil looking pig king appeared on my screen and told me to pick up my Xbox One controller which fell under my bed. I followed his command and picked up the controller, but something was different. The Xbox logo in the middle was glowing red and the controller began to shake (I thought I turned rumble off as it gets in the way as most gamers do). I tried to turn off my Xbox One console, but every time I pressed the power button a loud, gut wrenching pig squeal reverberated throughout my room.
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The evil pig king then selected the 6th level, much to my dismay. He then said:
 
“Goodnight"Goodnight, Jake”Jake" this time in Portuguese (I think it was a Brazilian bootleg)!
 
I was shocked because the level looked exactly like my house! My mother, father, and sister each represented as pigs were in their respective rooms, with me, a bomb bird, in the slingshot.
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The evil pig king began to shout:
 
“Do"Do it, DO IT!”"
 
My jaw dropped at his proposal and I begged for their lives. As I fell to my knees, I accidentally pressed the A button on my Xbox One controller which launched the bird into the house in the level. As I realized this fatal mistake, I heard a screeching “AWAAAAAEEEH”"AWAAAAAEEEH" outside my window. A powerful “BOOM”"BOOM" struck the house as I heard my parents and sister scream. The walls collapsed like a poorly constructed gingerbread house and I saw the mutilated vestiges of my family, helter-skelter in the rubble. Miraculously, I survived. All I can hear is the screeching of the bomb bird and the screams of my family every time I play an Angry Birds game on my iPhone 12. This is my curse.
 
All an Angry Birds connoisseur like myself can ask is... why would Rovio Entertainment make such a dastardly game?
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