Another Breaking Bad Lost Episode
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The year is 7777. Me and my comrades are trapped on a rock floating millions of lightyears away from mother Earth, and I’ve undertaken the task of capturing footage of a supposed lost episode of AMC’s best, and the last remaining proof of human existence. Yes some people have collected ancient relics of our past and there are still other humans in the year 7777 surprisingly enough.
I traveled back in time to the year 2030 with my 115 induced meteorite powered wrist watch, brought my craptop and Elgyatto highest quality capture card, established a video connection to Open Broadcaster Software and hit record when the episode began. Let me tell you a coupla three things about the show I must record, and what happens in the episode.
As you may know, the hyper popular show "Breaking Bad" has been running for quite a very long time. If you don’t know about Breaking Bad, you’re a tube-fed lobotomite, and even though a Breaking Bad lost episode has already been discovered and proven to be a hoax, another one has been discovered and this time it’s actually a legit lost episode. Trust me bro. Between October 7th, 2008 and July 7th, 7777, rule… I mean, episode 34 was accidentally released 69 centuries before it was scheduled to. And when I say episode 34, I mean it was basically an executive director’s cut, with green onions, sour cream, bacon bits, super cheesy greasy ranch seasoned extra double dip crunch expanded erotic edition of “Box Cutter”, the first episode of the fourth season of Breaking Bad. The film reel was signed by Big Daddy Vince Gilligan and jizzed on by him as well. I know that smell anywhere… Oh by the way, I bought the film reel from Peter Gould! He had it right next to a suspiciously and comically large stack of photos that all appeared to be shots of Kim Wexler’s feet from various sets of Better Call Saul, but I didn’t pay it too much mind. I was just extremely ecstatic to have found this lost episode of Breaking Bad, even though there’s already a few other lost episodes that SOMEORDINARYGAMERS (Mutahar Anus) may or may not have found.
It was also known to some around the cesspool the primary editor fell down a flight of stairs while trying to ride a unicycle on top of a cactus plant and balance an entire wheel of muenster cheese upon the tip of his cock but ended up breaking his penis, elbow, femur, legs, jaw, penis, balls, dignity, and self-respect, all in a sort of bad manner. On top of that he had been sick with anthrax, and instead of going on to make “Box Cutter”, the show was supposed to replay season 1 episode 1, aka “Pilot”. At 59:99 eastern standard time, citizens reported a very disturbing and possibly unhinged𝆖 new episode of Breaking Bad premiering on AMC at the time- some children were fortunate enough to see it. A few more were even killed on set and rumor has it their death scenes in the show are legitimate real life deaths. Wait a goddamn minute, those are unclear rumors. Forget what I just said. You don’t wanna wake up Vince. Hell hath no fury for an enraged Gilligan.
Apparently the quality of the episode was a bit shitty when held to the gold standards. Animation was choppy, the acting was awful, cinematography sucked ass, sound was boa constricted and hyperrealisticly muffled, almost like Jonjo Bissman of Jonjo’s Bizarre Adventures. Reports of a cocaine line running up and down, in and around Tuco Salamanca’s nose similar to a crappy crappy VHS tape were received. Scenery was described as "exceedingly dank and depressing, riddled with despair, doritos and defeat, without moving props and other backorforeground objects (prop hunt holy shit); trippy looking."
Some characters also behaved oddly. Instead of the sorta normal goofy, silly, demented, L33T, MLG, mentally deranged megalomaniac psychotic schizophrenic hi-jinks inspired personalities, viewers complained they seemed extremely pent up, gratuitously horny toward each other, and constantly about to begin cumming after the lines. The protagonist, antagonist, and deuteragonists all also had very bad lisps - no one knows why, but they spoke with an overwhelmingly sexual tone and that further bothered the viewers. I was one of these viewers. I still can’t sleep at night. It was that fucking scary dude.
The episode began with Jesse walking down the street with Skinny Pete. I noted that Combo was missing. There was a dutch angular shot resembling a camera angle from Resident Evil or Silent Hill coming from in-front of the two to show them wanking toward the viewer. He (Jesse) was wearing the pissed off look he does when something goes wrong, his eyes were a hyperrealistic Baby Blue by Badfinger color around the iris. Skinny Pete looked absolutely forlorn and practically slid on the concrete like a python behind Jesse, jizz in his eyes - which were both lazy, inside out and looking in opposite inward outward upward onward directions.
Marie Schrader, the series antagonist was riding her bike opposite of the meth addicts, toward them. The shot became deep fried, staticy and blurry and sexy moans were heard coming from Jesse and Marie before Marie whipped out his 6 inch pound of ground beef from the front of his pantaloons and began to give him the hob gobblin’ knob slobberin’ double decker pecker wrecker 3000- which never happened because the screen cut to rojo.
The screen then snapped back to reality and Marie was again headed toward Jesse, ready to top him off - the view was so hot, greasy, oily, crunchy and fuzzy and staticy and blurry this time all I saw was a white blob headed toward a yellow one. Again, the sexy moan, only this time it sounded like the microphone was splooged on and loud hyperrealistic pink static came, along with Jesse, as his moan greatly overshadowed the (probably not so) sexy moans of Marie Schrader.
A hyperrealistic claymation sequence of Combo shitting in Jesse's bed came up. Honestly it may have just been the abruptness, but I jumped and shivered and slightly shat a small nugget of crap in my Better Call Saul underoos signed by Bob Odenkirk in dominant response, as goosepimples began to sprout upon my arms and body. Waking up and getting out of bed, he trekked oddly around the rectangular room, the slow pitter-patter of footsteps and heavy breathing being the only audio. Then all of a suddenly, in one instantaneous split second faster than the speed of light, Jeremy Scout from hit Valve multiplayer team based shooter and bot simulator Team Fortress 2 popped into frame at mach 10 and began taunting and laughing at Combo. “Nice hustle tons of fun! Next time eat a salad!” He then whipped out his Scattergun and popped him 3 times in the chest, 1 of those 3 shots was a random crit, dealing 420 damage and killing him before performing the schadenfreude to (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) killbind combo (rip combo lmfao).
The shock was very clear as I was shown a hawk-eye view of him crawling, shitting and bleeding around the room. There were no visible doors. He was locked in. Combo began screeching (sounded like a Fisher Cat) as he was lifted by a gravity gun and dragged wildly around the cell of a room faster and faster until the screen began blurring and fucking up again, the purple room's color swallowing a now orange dick. An extreme close-up of Jesse's front door sat, in absolute unembellished, undisturbed, uninterrupted extremely silent silence for a John Maddeningly long time - at least thirty two minutes of dead silence and a door that belonged to an interior decorator, who may or may not have killed 16 Czech rebels. What fuckin moron designed this shot and what were they thinking? Besides, who the fuck is John Madden anyways? He doesn’t even look like an athlete!
Next we see Jimmy and Kim at a doctor of some sort (probably oral). Jimmy, obstructed in view by a hanging lamp, is crying loudly with Kim trying to comfort him in an unusually warm fashion. 'It hurts Kim... it hurts...' Suddenly, the door of the room is ear piercingly blown open by a new character, a SWAT officer. His face wasn't shown because he was tall enough to be out of the shot. Even though this show is live action and they could’ve easily pointed the camera higher but I guess they didn’t bother to or maybe they just wanted to keep that cartoon cliche of adult characters always being a pair of legs. Kim was escorted out of the room, Jimmy was shown. His hair was mangled, the front bent upward, stretching his hairline to high-tearing proportions. The front of his gums was trickling blood, and teeth were missing. The disturbingly disturbing part was was he had lost both arms and legs beforehand apparently, and sat a paraplegic. I almost cried as I came to the conclusion the cartel finally got to him, giving him the free vacation to Belize he so desperately wished to avoid. The camera stayed on his Mangle FNaF 2 face for a few seconds, still as a picture, silent hill as ever.
Advertisements came on. During this time, I decided to travel back to 7777 since in the year 2030 advertisements literally last 50 fucking minutes at the least and 4 hours at the most. I met up with one of my closest friends, Ethan Zobrear. We had a brief conversation discussing everything we had done for the E-Team and how we’d finish fighting off the necromorphs.
“Skelo’s rig has been offline for 13 hours now. I thought my internet connection was shit…” I said to myself, trying to level my head for the events that lie ahead. Barely surviving by the skin of his balls after a vicious attack from a brute, Zobrear searches for a med-pack, small, medium, or large. “Kerl… I don’t know if I can… make it any further…” Ethan Zobrear painstakingly muttered through labored groans of pain.
“Hey, you’ll be just fine bro. I got a fuckload of med-packs, I have no idea how these bastards have so much health and even ammo on them.” I said as I handed about 18 small medpacks to Ethan Zobrear, clogging his inventory but still being able to fully recover his rig. After we recovered our health and composure, we resumed our search for Skelo when we heard a proud iconic devilish war cry followed by several loud and blüüdy stomps in the ground, and the skull of a slasher.
“FUCKING STOP!” Skelo shouted on the top of his lungs as he finished off the slasher with the vicious heel of his Witness Suit from the Witness the Truth bundle that costed about $5.99 USD boot.
“Glad to see you haven’t changed one bit. Did you find the Shockdrive Reactor Core?” I asked Skelo. “You know it, mothafucka!” He replied while showing off the Sci-Fi Macguffin that was crucial to our mission.
“Excellent, Skelo. Age hasn’t slowed you down one bit.” Ethan Zobrear praised.
“Get that back to HQ unharmed, we’ll be able to bring our ship back to fully working order and finally get off this rock. I’ve got some unfinished business.” I informed my trusted allies, and sent them on their way to fulfill our mission.
Setting the time on my watch, I prepared to travel back to the year 2030 and finish recording the Breaking Bad Lost Episode, to document a brilliant masterclass in screenwriting and story writing…
We are instantly assaulted with a very hairy Walt in his darkened crawl space electric wind god fisting the cow (Skyler) repeatedly. The visual loops and gets blurry, staticy, shitty and gritty again as the scene pans in and out and in and out. No-Doze is reading a magazine on the couch. The quality is now perfect.
Jesse is now alone, without Skinny. The quality declines way worse than before, YouTube’s auto quality mode switched the video from 1080p to 360p. Fuck me clockwise, I need to get better internet. He is still limping, the sun now lightening and brightening the mood somewhat as he grins and begins sprinting. The interior decorator’s door is shown again and we see through Jesse's eyes as he reaches out and opens it. His house looks like shit, but a very badly composed and distorted European Techno Assfunk audio track was blaring at an earrape-like volume from an extremely small tin can resembling a miniature boombox- the only audio in this scene as he makes his way through the shitty house. Jesse opens the door to his room.
Tuco is shown under No-Doze's couch cushion as he crawls out on all fours in a comedic way and pops up behind him Slenderman style, still as oblivious as an oblivion mod. I laughed, gagged, wheezed and choked on my spit because someone forgot to draw his eyes and I thought of a penis. Suddenly I stopped laughing as he started pummeling the dogshit out of No-Doze and undoing his fly, beating him and his meat, bruising both heads but still in a violent cartoonish fashion of course, but this was different. He and he stayed like this until he started twitching and convulsing, bleeding out of his mouth. Tuco kept driving his fist into No-Doze’s skull like this until he caved the skull in completely and No-Doze went limp. A zoom in on his face revealed extremely small, cocaine influenced human eyes.
“WOOOOOOO! DAMN MAN LOOK AT THAT! LOOK!” Tuco shouted with a demonic loudness that made the small TV I was watching this episode on boom. Combo was laying on Jesse's floor in a puddle of his own blood and feces, no longer in hyperrealistic claymation. The camera showed Jesse's house for the remainder of the episode (about 80 decades), and the next program, AMC’S Better Call Saul presents: Slippin’ Jimmy, began on the spot.
“Well, that was a pile of shit. What’s more is an even bigger pile of shit is about to follow. Best to get out of here now before it gets worse.” I said to myself, getting ready to set the watch again. But I didn’t travel to 7777. As a matter of fact I didn’t travel anywhere. I took off the watch, popped off the small case containing the 115 induced meteorite that powered it and noticed it was completely dried of its natural energy. “Fuck me clockwise…” I thought.
Panic immediately began shooting through my head. How could I find another 115 induced meteorite? Celerium 2025 isn’t strong enough to travel to the year 7777 so I’m basically stranded. Skelo and Ethan are expecting me but I have no way to get to them. Unless by pure chance a 115 induced meteorite falls from the sky, I have no way of getting back to my current year.
And something else was clear too.
I’d have to endure the torture that follows this episode.
It might just be the longest hour of my life.
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