Ben Finally Snaps (Big Cook Little Cook Lost Episode)
Running a restaurant is hard work ya know? I run a small Greek restaurant located in the heart of Empire Bay by the name of Souvlaki Hut. I come from a long family history of restaurateurs so I wanted to try my hand at running my own restaurant just like my father. My father owned a restaurant over on Somerset which was for a long time regarded as the best Greek restaurant in Great Britain. Sadly over the years, my father grew lazy and began using smelly meat that not even Northwestern Medical School would serve for lunch. My father's laziness ultimately caused his restaurant to shut down, and for him to fall into bankruptcy. I knew I could make my own very successful restaurant, and unlike my father, will not become a lazy good for nothing son of a gun.
I bought Souvlaki Hut in the summer of 2002 back before the world turned into bricks and people could go outside without wearing a mask like some kind of Spider-Man. Unfortunately, Souvlaki Hut has always been facing problems due to there being a lot of competition in the area. People just don't want Greek restaurants anymore ya know? I must admit that there have been times where I've been tempted to close
up shop for good but have decided against it for the sake of my sanity. Also, because Souvlaki Hut makes very little money, I've had to take out loads of bank loans just so I can afford to pay my staff to continue working. I even borrowed money from loads of shady and incredibly powerful gangsters that even Brucei would think twice about hanging out with. I owed money to a loud mouthed Russian loan shark from Broker. He made my life miserable but thankfully he disappeared.
Souvlaki Hut is also finically supported by the Faustin Crime Family. Mikhail Faustin was an old friend of my father, and acted as my sole benefactor. Annoyingly, Faustin demanded over $9000 to be paid into his bank account every month or else he'll convince his connections to close up the restaurant for good. Why did this have to happen to me? I never asked for this trouble!
I think one of the major failing factors of Souvlaki Hut was the lack of originality to distinguish itself from other competing restaurants. I needed something that would help put Souvlaki Hut on the map for life. Hopefully if Souvlaki Hut becomes powerful enough; I can stop getting bank loans from gangsters like Mikhail Faustin. I tried several things out as entertainment including a karaoke night and a spicy foo Thursday. Sadly, both of these failed miserably. I even tried my hand at running a bingo night every Friday and Saturday. It worked out well for a few weeks until I was eventually threatened to stop the bingo night by Mr Foxy. Mr Foxy runs Foxy Bingo, and was not very happy that I had decided to establish my own bingo racket in the same city. I did try and suggest a partnership to Foxy, but he was having none of it.
Eventually, I decided to give up trying and decided that it was time to close up Souvlaki Hut once and for all. I began making my way over to Mikhail Faustin's nightclub located over in Hove Beach. I would tell Faustin that he could do whatever he wanted with the restaurant because I wanted out. I had taken a freshly cooked Souvlaki with me to eat as it was quite a long walk and I did not own a car. I eventually reached a small forest like area which was located on the very outskirts of Empire Bay. I facepalmed for I had taken a completely wrong turn back on the crossroads. Feeling hungry, I began to unwrap the wrapper containing my sweet juicy Souvlaki when I saw it. The very thing that would save my life in more ways than one. Now that's just putting it mildly.
Over on the far side of the forest in front of me sat a huge fucking gorilla. It looked pissed and looked as though it wanted to eat my face off. Thinking quickly, I asked, "you hungry? You want something to eat?" The gorilla nodded as I said, "well I got something for you." I reached into my back pocket, and yanked out a banana. I always carry a banana on me just in case I get extra hungry. I threw the banana at the gorilla who responded by angrily throwing it back at me. "Whoa!" I cried as the banana hit me right in the eye. The gorilla then looked at the Souvlaki I was holding and began licking it's lips. "What? You want a Souvlaki? Well you'll have to impress me monkey." I said as the gorilla began playing a tune on a fricking guitar. An actual guitar. Where did he get that guitar from? Well my friends perhaps it's better that the world never knows.
I was absolutely flabbergasted. This was what Souvlaki Hut needed! Not a karaoke night or a bingo night. No what we needed was a guitar playing gorilla. I threw my Souvlaki at the gorilla who responded by eating the thing in two seconds flat. I then asked if the gorilla would like to work at my restaurant in exchange for all the Souvlaki he could ever wanted. The gorilla nodded and then gestured me to walk towards it. "What is it?" I asked as the gorilla eventually grew tired of waiting and instead threw a small DVD disc at me. "A DVD? You want me to watch this DVD with you first?" I asked as the gorilla nodded once again.
The gorilla then gestured for me to follow it again as we both made our way inside a small damp cave which I assumed to be the gorilla's home. Arriving inside the cave, I found that the gorilla had somehow been able to get it's hand on a TV with a working DVD player as well as two tickets to Paradise. Ha! The gorilla then took the DVD out of my hands, and placed it inside of the DVD player. The gorilla also owned a sofa which I sat down on. The gorilla sat right next to me as the DVD began with a brief opening advertisement.
The advert had some gangster looking dude dancing with loads of senior citizens. The senior citizens looked really uncomfortable and were dancing really badly to a horrible Scottish dub of Someone To Love by Queen. The gangster then asked the cameraman, "do I look like a fish?" He then stared at the camera with an incredibly sinister glare. It was so sinister the camera actually started shaking as if the cameraman himself was also scared. Then it cut to show another advert which had a pumpkin with a person's face talking to the screen. "How am I supposed to eat these!?" The pumpkin cried agony as he was shown to be sitting next to two large plates full of delicious pancakes. I nearly vomited. And with that, the adverts FINALLY came to an end as the DVD started with our feature presentation. To my upmost surprise and utter distain, it was an episode of Big Cook Little Cook
Big Cook Little Cook is a British children's show which centres around two chefs one named Big Cook Ben and the other named Little Cook Small. The show centres around the pair getting a visit from a visitor, and then being asked to make them a meal. If an ingredient cannot be found or Ben's stupid ass wants to know where the ingredient came from, Small is forced to go to some smelly factory where loads of incredibly awkward actors tell him how to cook rice. It sounds really fucking boring because trust me it is.
I never really liked Big Cook Little Cook even though the show was about cooking and I love that. It was mainly because of Small. Small is one of the most annoying characters in television history. He sounds like a dying rat getting dissected by an incredibly intoxicated surgeon who has not been listening to the words of Sir Roger Colbham the world famous heart surgeon. Yeah that's how bad it is. He's even more annoying than Special Agent Oso or Patrick Star. Ben on the other hand I'm fairly neutral towards.
The episode started with the theme song which was very disturbing to say the very least. For starters, Small didn't wave at the camera instead he gave it the middle finger. Also, instead of flying on a spoon, Small was instead flying on a knife. This made me vomit all over the gorilla's Phil Colin CD's. The gorilla responded to this by punching me right in the face which nearly broke my damn jaw. Also, all of the food that Small flew by was rotten and had maggots in it which made me really hungry for a piece of cheesy pizza. At the very end of the theme, when Ben is shown holding Small in his hand; Ben instead squeezed Small in his hand causing him to explode into a million tiny bite size pieces.
With that, the episode then started with Big and Small getting ready to go on a picnic in the countryside. "Hi there! Me and Ben are getting ready to go on a picnic!" Small proclaimed in his annoying voice as Ben showed up holding a huge bar of Dairy Milk. "Whoa Ben we can't take that." Small said before continuing with, "we need to take loads of fruit and veg on our picnic not chocolate or anything which actually tastes good." I should also mention that Ben didn't look very happy. I mean he looked really angry like that dude in the advert from earlier did. He glared at the camera and said, "sorry Small I forgot." Ben kept on trying to add things to the picnic only for Small to quickly reprimand him for doing so. Suddenly, the doorbell rang and Small went up to go and see who the customer was. The show actually showed who the customer was. It was a fat fucking seal named Slimy Sausage. "Me want a fruitcake." Slimy said to Small through the keyhole.
Small then turned to face Ben and said, "I'll give you a clue." "Just tell me who it was Small I don't have time for this!" Ben yelled angrily. "Well geez sorry Ben it's Slimy Sausage and he wants a fruit cake!" Small proclaimed happily. I got sick again. Ben then got the cookbook himself and began reading through it. For the next two minutes, it was just very awkward silence as Ben was shown getting all of the ingredients needed for making a fruitcake. Ben then sighed before saying, "oh fudge we don't have any flour." "Don't worry Ben I'll get some!" Small proclaimed as he began flying out of the café on his wooden spoon. "Good riddance. Little annoying pest." Ben muttered as he began playing Shrek 2 on Xbox while he waited for Small to get the flour.
Small was shown flying above a large cornfield where Shrek and Donkey once walked many moons ago. Also, the weather was horrible and the sky was grey and dark. It was very hard to see Small who couldn't drive for dog poop. He was constantly swaying violently from left to right on his spoon. "Oh dear!" Small cried as he started falling quickly towards the grey murky ocean. He ended up crashing inside a large ship as the doors to the kitchen burst open revealing a very large and scary looking walrus who was dressed like a chef. "Ah! You owe me fresh meat for my pot!" The chef walrus proclaimed happily as he began chasing Small through the ship at an immense speed.
For the next ten minutes, Small was chased by that darn walrus who was surprisingly fast for being so fat. "Come back here boyio!" The walrus would yell from time to time as Small eventually reached the outside of the ship. Somehow, Small was able to summon his spoon to him and climbed back onto it. He ended up flying all the way to a nearby Morrisons. Also, Small looked visibly terrified at what had just transpired and so was I to be honest with you. I then looked over at the gorilla and asked, "look can we end it here please?" The gorilla shook it's head. I then tried my best to escape only to get pinned down onto the floor by the gorilla and it's immense strength. The gorilla then forced my head to face the TV screen as Small was shown arriving at Morrisons.
At Morrisons, Small was shown asking an employee for the flour aisle. Despite telling him where to go, Small still ended up getting lost and had ended up in the meat aisle. He asked the butcher for directions who responded by yelling, "can't you see I'm busy here boyio? Go bother someone else you little fecker!" Small then said, "I just need some flour Sir and then I'll be..." That's when the butcher had appranately had enough and grabbed a large knife. He took several swings at Small who ended up flying back to the café in a hurried fashion.
Arriving back at the café, Ben was shown tapping his hands impatiently on the kitchen counter. Small arrived and explained the day's events to Ben who was having none of it. "Yeah right Small. As if that happened. Now where's the flour?" Ben asked as Small responded with, "I don't have it Ben! I'm really sorry!" Ben groaned heavily before heading into the backroom whilst saying, "you know something Small? This café has been losing money daily because of you and your stupid antics. If we mess up another order: the Mayor will close us down for good." "I know Ben I know." Small said quietly as Ben came in holding a large beach ball. "Say Small wanna play a game of catch?" "Ben that ball is way too big!" Small laughed hysterically as Ben said in a cold dark voice, "I know."
And with that, Ben threw the beach ball onto Small crushing him to death in the process. Ben picked up Small's mangled corpse and said, "I wanted to do that years ago! You annoying little shithead!" Ben then proceeded to throw Small into the mixing bowl and mixed him into the fruit cake. After he was done, Ben threw the fruitcake into the oven before doing some Fortnite dances. After he was done dancing, Ben removed the cooked fruitcake from the oven and then presented it to Slimy Sausage who had been allowed inside the café to wait for his meal. Ben then revealed to Slimy that the chef walrus as well as the butcher from earlier were actually both working for him. Ben had been conspiring with the pair an ultimate scheme to get rid of Small for good. You see; Ben had long since grown tired of having to live and work with the annoying little pest that was Small.
Ben and Slimy had themselves a lovely banquet of fish and chips before finishing it off with the fruitcake. Ben poured himself a massive glass of wine before saying, "this is the life Slimy this is the life." It was shown via montage that following Small's death. Ben went on to take over as Mayor after exposing the corruption of the previous Mayor Winnie The Pooh. With Ben as Mayor, he opened up a large cake manufacturing plant as well as several other cafes across the city. He placed the chef walrus in charge of the manufacturing plant. He also bought himself a house made entirely out of solid gold. The final shot of the episode was Ben standing on top of his now golden house with the words "The World Is Yours," appearing on the sky above him.
The episode then ended with no credits but instead showed a SICK clip which had Small's now zombified face glaring at the screen. "I'm coming Ben I'm coming for you!" Small proclaimed in a nasty demonic sounding voice. Well actually it sounded more like Ben Stiller to be honest with you. Now that's true fear. Well's that what I think anyway. That's when I heard a loud knock occur at the front door of the cave. Yes the cave had a front door. Just don't ask!
I headed over to the door holding a packet of chewits and asked, "who is it?" "It's Clayton." The man on the other side of the door said before continuing with, "hand over the gorilla so it can help me strike it rich!" Yeah as it turns out I was not actually the first to discover the musical talents of the amazing gorilla which stood confidently behind me. I knew who Clayton was. Clayton was a major mob boss who wished to pursue a career in music. With the gorilla's help, Clayton would have absolutely no trouble in taking over the world of music for good. Clayton also had a reputation for being very bad with animals. When Clayton was 16 years old, he ran over his pet Komodo Dragon with a combine harvester. So I had to make a decision and fast. Force the gorilla to face a lifetime of playing the guitar or take his place.
Seven hours and forty two minutes later, I reached my decision and pulled a large gorilla costume out from my ass. I carried the gorilla suit with me at all times in order to scare people if they decide to rob me of my Souvlaki's. I put the costume on and sighed before helping the gorilla put my clothes on in order to make it look a human. I opened the front door to the cave and sighed before singing, "here I am! Here I am! How do you do?" "I do very well thank you me monkey chum." Clayton said as he grabbed my neck and began yanking me towards his jeep which stank of rat piss. That's so fricking disgusting sorry. I was thrown into the back of the jeep as I looked out the window, and took one final look at the cave as Clayton began speeding towards the local theatre.
It all worked out just fine. I obviously couldn't play guitar like the gorilla could so Clayton ended up making no money from his endeavour. He was actually arrested and sued over 69 times by the Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham. The Knights then arranged for me to be placed inside a local animal sanctuary ran by a pipsqueak pioneer. Life was getting better by the minute. The sanctuary was named MT's Sanctuary. Now, the sanctuary received no government funding and was instead funded entirely by the Knights. The Knights had built the sanctuary in memory of one of their members named MT Bar.
I became quite popular and made very good friends with the other residents of the sanctuary most notably with the crows from Dumbo. Yes the crows from Dumbo. That's where they had been sent by Disney after the controversy. Every night and I do mean every night, me and the crows would dance to classic 1940's jazz music. "Well I done seen about everything when I see a gorilla play a guitar!" The leader of the crowds sang to me one day.
The gorilla meanwhile took over Souvlaki Hut and turned it into an elite social club that only the mightiest of mighty singers could get into without an invitation. With the gorilla in control, Souvlaki Hut was able to gain a new audience. The gorilla and I remained in contact. The gorilla actually comes to visit me at the sanctuary every Monday and sometimes Wednesday evening. We also both hold regular Skype calls because for some reason the sanctuary trusts animals with laptops. Not really sure how that works but whatever. Also, the gorilla was able to buy off Mikhail Faustin and his crew who instead set their focus on harassing Mr Foxy. Good riddance I say!
If only I had met that gorilla sooner; he's changed my life for the better. So friends if you ever see a gorilla don't give it a banana. No my friends give it a Souvlaki because that gorilla may just have the ingredients to change your life for the better.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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