Bill O Riley writes a clopfic: Difference between revisions

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He get’s out and struts over to your door and puts his fist through the side window and grabs you by your pencil neck. He yanks you out and tosses you on the pavement. Your face brakes your fall. He grabs you by the collar again and begins to plow his fat hairy knuckles into your face. He beats you like a bitch in front of everybody. When the police arrive and arrest him they have to use two sets of handcuffs to clamp his hands behind his back. It’s too late for you. He has already beaten you into bloody mess. Everything goes dark you pass out.
He get’s out and struts over to your door and puts his fist through the side window and grabs you by your pencil neck. He yanks you out and tosses you on the pavement. Your face brakes your fall. He grabs you by the collar again and begins to plow his fat hairy knuckles into your face. He beats you like a bitch in front of everybody. When the police arrive and arrest him they have to use two sets of handcuffs to clamp his hands behind his back. It’s too late for you. He has already beaten you into bloody mess. Everything goes dark you pass out.


You wake up in a bright fresh smelling meadow and get to your feet. As you walk through the land you realize you’re in a cartoon world. But not just any cartoon world, you're in the magical land of Equestria. You recognize it because you’ve spanked your monkey to pony porn many times because you can’t just watch midget porn like normal people. You pansy. You pick up a jog along a dirt road after seeing a sign that say’s "Ponyville 1 mile”, you can see it off in the distance. After a few minute you cramp up and slow to a walk because you’re as inactive as road kill.
You wake up in a bright fresh smelling meadow and get to your feet. As you walk through the land you realize you’re in a cartoon world. But not just any cartoon world, you're in the magical land of Equestria. You recognize it because you’ve spanked your monkey to pony porn many times because you can’t just watch midget porn like normal people. You pansy. You pick up a jog along a dirt road after seeing a sign that say’s "Ponyville 1 mile", you can see it off in the distance. After a few minute you cramp up and slow to a walk because you’re as inactive as road kill.


You finally stumble into Ponyville. All the colorful ponies stare at you. You smell bad and your patchy attempt at a mustache creeps them out so they all avoid you. Across the way Lyra sits at a table sipping a hayshake while BonBon stands next to her.
You finally stumble into Ponyville. All the colorful ponies stare at you. You smell bad and your patchy attempt at a mustache creeps them out so they all avoid you. Across the way Lyra sits at a table sipping a hayshake while BonBon stands next to her.


"It was amusing the first time but these things need to stop coming here.” Lyra said to BonBon.
"It was amusing the first time but these things need to stop coming here." Lyra said to BonBon.


"Were going to have to kill it again aren’t we.” BonBon says flatly.
"Were going to have to kill it again aren’t we." BonBon says flatly.
"Yup"
"Yup”


Lyra use’s her unicorn magic and levitates a Colt Woodsman automatic pistol up next to her head, it has a long black silencer attached to the barrel. Her magic pulls back the receiver and chambers a round in the breech. She squints her eyes as she takes a long hard look at you.
Lyra use’s her unicorn magic and levitates a Colt Woodsman automatic pistol up next to her head, it has a long black silencer attached to the barrel. Her magic pulls back the receiver and chambers a round in the breech. She squints her eyes as she takes a long hard look at you.
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As you walk through the Market in Ponyville you notice Twilight Sparkle. She has just bought a dozen tomatoes and is packing them into her saddlebags when she notices you creeping on her.
As you walk through the Market in Ponyville you notice Twilight Sparkle. She has just bought a dozen tomatoes and is packing them into her saddlebags when she notices you creeping on her.


"Time to get some hot unicorn ass!” you think to yourself.
"Time to get some hot unicorn ass!" you think to yourself.


You tear off your white button up shirt and drop to your knee and profess your love for her. On your left arm you have tattoo in some Asian language it means love or power or something queer like that, you can’t speak the language but you have it anyway. Your bony chest, pasty skin and stupid tattoo repulses her. She backs away but you dive at her, she skittishly falls to her rump she levitates a can of mace out of her saddlebags and lets a stream of mace fly in your face. You scream like girl, you close your eyes and flail you grotesquely long and skinny arms around trying to grab her.
You tear off your white button up shirt and drop to your knee and profess your love for her. On your left arm you have tattoo in some Asian language it means love or power or something queer like that, you can’t speak the language but you have it anyway. Your bony chest, pasty skin and stupid tattoo repulses her. She backs away but you dive at her, she skittishly falls to her rump she levitates a can of mace out of her saddlebags and lets a stream of mace fly in your face. You scream like girl, you close your eyes and flail you grotesquely long and skinny arms around trying to grab her.
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Just then Pinkie Pie burst out of the pile of tomatoes in the tomato cart. She is yielding a shiny brass tuba, she swings hard into your head. Your dome dents the tuba’s bell as your knocked unconscious for a second time. Twilight sighs in relief.
Just then Pinkie Pie burst out of the pile of tomatoes in the tomato cart. She is yielding a shiny brass tuba, she swings hard into your head. Your dome dents the tuba’s bell as your knocked unconscious for a second time. Twilight sighs in relief.


"Thanks Pinkie Pie! I’m sure lucky to have a friend as random as you.”
"Thanks Pinkie Pie! I’m sure lucky to have a friend as random as you."


Pinkie Pie drops the tuba on the ground and hops down of the cart and lands on your face.
Pinkie Pie drops the tuba on the ground and hops down of the cart and lands on your face.


"Not a problem Twilight.” said Pinkie through a wide smile.
"Not a problem Twilight." said Pinkie through a wide smile.


She pulls a single business card out of her mane with her hoof and tosses it toward Twilight. Twilight catches it with her magic and looks at it. A slow and deliberate staccato trumpet fanfare plays as she reads it.
She pulls a single business card out of her mane with her hoof and tosses it toward Twilight. Twilight catches it with her magic and looks at it. A slow and deliberate staccato trumpet fanfare plays as she reads it.
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"Have Tuba Will Travel
"Have Tuba Will Travel


Wire Pinkie Pie, Ponyville”
Wire Pinkie Pie, Ponyville"


It reads.
It reads.
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You wake up again in a daze and find yourself hogtied before Princess Celestia in her castle. Twilight has filed a restraining order on you and you must stay 1000 feet away from her at all times you also can’t go near playgrounds or other places where there are small foals because you are now a registered sex offender in Equestria. But that’s not necessary because the princess thinks the moon is too good for you and locks you away in the dungeon below her castle and throws away the key.
You wake up again in a daze and find yourself hogtied before Princess Celestia in her castle. Twilight has filed a restraining order on you and you must stay 1000 feet away from her at all times you also can’t go near playgrounds or other places where there are small foals because you are now a registered sex offender in Equestria. But that’s not necessary because the princess thinks the moon is too good for you and locks you away in the dungeon below her castle and throws away the key.


You’re tossed into a dark and damp cell by a royal guard. Behind you hear heavy breathing. The massive steroid prone pony from "Hurricane Fluttershy” is standing behind you breathing heavy. He’s your cellmate. He’s doing hard time for selling bootleg dvd’s in the Ponyville market. He wraps his forelegs around you and licks your neck and face. What happens next is hard for you to remember. I won’t go into detail but you get violated by a horse and discover that the word "hoof” can also be a verb.
You’re tossed into a dark and damp cell by a royal guard. Behind you hear heavy breathing. The massive steroid prone pony from "Hurricane Fluttershy" is standing behind you breathing heavy. He’s your cellmate. He’s doing hard time for selling bootleg dvd’s in the Ponyville market. He wraps his forelegs around you and licks your neck and face. What happens next is hard for you to remember. I won’t go into detail but you get violated by a horse and discover that the word "hoof" can also be a verb.


In the castle above you Twilight Sparkle and all her friends have a big roller-skate disco party and do a synchronized dance to "Video Killed the Radio Star.”
In the castle above you Twilight Sparkle and all her friends have a big roller-skate disco party and do a synchronized dance to "Video Killed the Radio Star."
Outside the castle BonBon stands up to help Lyra climb through a small window on the foundation of the castle
Outside the castle BonBon stands up to help Lyra climb through a small window on the foundation of the castle


"Hey! Watch my mane.” BonBon hissed as Lyra stepped on her head reaching for the window.
"Hey! Watch my mane." BonBon hissed as Lyra stepped on her head reaching for the window.


"I’m almost there.”
"I’m almost there."


Lyra squeezes through the window and hops down into the castle dungeon the cells are almost all empty but she finds yours easily by following your stench. You’re curled up in a fetal position weeping quietly to yourself in a corner of the cell when you notice a sea foam green unicorn in front of your cell. You get to you knees and beg for help. She just glares at you with angry eyes. She doesn’t say a word as her magic swiftly pulls a Colt Woodsman pistol from a black basket weave holster around her waist. It floats in front of her face as she takes aim.
Lyra squeezes through the window and hops down into the castle dungeon the cells are almost all empty but she finds yours easily by following your stench. You’re curled up in a fetal position weeping quietly to yourself in a corner of the cell when you notice a sea foam green unicorn in front of your cell. You get to you knees and beg for help. She just glares at you with angry eyes. She doesn’t say a word as her magic swiftly pulls a Colt Woodsman pistol from a black basket weave holster around her waist. It floats in front of her face as she takes aim.
Her magical hold on the pistol pulls the trigger and she empties the clip of .22’s into your chest. The silencer smokes as the bolt knocks back into the receiver creating a metallic slapping noise that echoes through the dungeon. You fall back in searing pain and stare at the dungeon ceiling as you bleed out from the small holes that pepper your chest. Everything gets dark and you pass out. God, you suck.
Her magical hold on the pistol pulls the trigger and she empties the clip of .22’s into your chest. The silencer smokes as the bolt knocks back into the receiver creating a metallic slapping noise that echoes through the dungeon. You fall back in searing pain and stare at the dungeon ceiling as you bleed out from the small holes that pepper your chest. Everything gets dark and you pass out. God, you suck.
You wake up bolt upright in a hospital bed. You see humans again and realize it was all a dream. The doctors tell you that you need a big dose of "man the f**k up” and send you on your way. A week later you are found dead in your closet hanging from a noose. The police call it a suicide but you were too gutless to kill yourself. The truth is you died trying to choke yourself while you ran one up your flagpole.
You wake up bolt upright in a hospital bed. You see humans again and realize it was all a dream. The doctors tell you that you need a big dose of "man the f**k up" and send you on your way. A week later you are found dead in your closet hanging from a noose. The police call it a suicide but you were too gutless to kill yourself. The truth is you died trying to choke yourself while you ran one up your flagpole.
Your mother’s Mexican maid finds your body with your junk still in your hand. She reaches in your pocket and pulls out your wallet and pockets two $20 bills before calling the police. No one comes to your funeral except your mother. No one misses you, not even your dog.
Your mother’s Mexican maid finds your body with your junk still in your hand. She reaches in your pocket and pulls out your wallet and pockets two $20 bills before calling the police. No one comes to your funeral except your mother. No one misses you, not even your dog.


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