Blues Clues: Disability Aid for Impaired Humans
You know, I always liked Blue's Clues. It was a show about a lonely man who lived in his apartment, and seemed to have issues solving very simple dilemmas. He was guided by his dog, Blue, a blue dog. It's a great show with a lot of mentally stimulating material.
But, what a lot of people don't know, is that various elements of the original plotline were stripped out in favor of more "family friendly" entertainment. The pilot episode created by Todd Kessler (and whoever David Venial was) was making an interesting take on the original idea, though maybe slightly more adult in tone. Steve, for example, is slightly blind, this is why he had his dog Blue: a seeing eye-dog was meant to help him find things. The clues were intended to be the dog trying to assist Steven things like, finding groceries, or going to the bathroom.
The episode starts slightly differently, instead of the yellow book saying "Blue's Clues", we see a book titled, "Disability Aid for Impaired Humans". A picture of a skeleton man in a top hat and a cane is on the cover. Indeed, the show looked a little different. The show used computer-generated stills to render it's backdrops, but these stills were grainier in the lower quality. The yard looked fairly unkempt and dirty for example, and another issue I noticed which became more and more glaringly obvious as time progressed, was that Steve had two dark circles under his eyes. Indeed, Steve looked a little sick. The little did I know how sick Steve was... Steve, looked sick.
Anyway, Steve was played by the same actor but, he was much slower. He had a speech impediment which made his words slightly slurry.
"COME ON IN!"
He huffed like Droopy Dog. Blue the dog also looked different, the skin was textured more like a real dog while still Blue, they... well... for her fur-like hairs were on this character model, the eyes sparkled like a real puppy dog. In one regard it looked cute, but in another it seemed a little off. Steve's shirt was frail and tattered, the walls of the home were kind of dirty too. Like there's fading wallpaper on them. Steve's usual sofa chair was dirtier, there was some sort of stain on it, and it was hard to make out. Steve went to get the mail, he sang his usual song but instead of lyrics it was just the word 'mail' over and over.
"MAIL! MAIL! MAIL! MAIL! MAIL! MAIL! MAIL! MAIL! MAIL! MAIL! MAAAIIL!"
He stammered. He shuddered a little and almost fell over.
"MAAII- Uh, uh uh, uuh, uuh."
I never seen Steve so excited. He excitedly opened the mail to find nothing but a few bills and an expired coupon for a free Chick-Fil-A sandwich.
"Not what I was expecting..." Steve said with a scowl, "...I don't have any friends..."
There was a long pause.
"Except for you kids!"
He pointed at the camera and smiled at it as it zoomed into his face, revealing a disheveled amount of beard stubble.
"I need something fun to do today!"
Blue is seen in the corner tugging away at a corner of a rug. As Steve continues to talk, the rug is pulled more and more, revealing a trapdoor. A symbol of an eye is carved on the door with the Latin phrase, "Kicus Bardis", which roughly translates to, "Unintelligent Blind man". Steve is visibly shaking as he adjusts his house's thermostat. the thermostat is a real thermostat, not a drawn-in one. In fact, many of the objects of would-be-drawn-in are more like pasted on clipart.
"I need to clean myself!"
He goes to his bathroom and begins to shower, suddenly the soap begins to scream.
"What the hell are you doin'?!" The soap yells.
Steve sees that the soap has a face, and while it's a cute smiley face he looks really confused. He begins to freak out and throws the soap in the toilet; flushing it down as it screams bloody murder. He notices tiny faces on all of his other cosmetic and hygiene products.
"What's next, singing tooth-paste?" The voice said from the other room.
"I just imagine them! Blue, help me find something fun to do!"
Blue winked at the camera and led Steve into the kitchen area.
"I'll take your mouth, too." Said the voice from the other room again; sounding exactly like Steve.
Steve walked into the kitchen, which had a small fire burning in the corner. The utensil drawer was shaking. There were living utensils in there, and he knew it. Steve bumped into the side of the table and fell down. Blue placed a paw-print... the first clue... Sitting on the table behind Steve, there was a blue paw-print on a cucumber. The first clue. Blue seemed slightly sinister looking. There were six copies of a slightly transparent Blue sprite all aired all over each other.
"Look!" The voice yelled.
"What?!" Steve said.
"Right there!" The voice yelled, "What is it?!"
It was the same thing it always was a clue. And the clue is clearly visible, so why couldn't Steve see it? A strange figure in a cloak slid across the room without moving it's legs, it had been a prop on wheels, but whatever it was, it took several random items such as chairs and bowls as it made it's rounds across the room.
"What is it?"
The flames continue to eat the background.
"It's a clue!"
"It is a clue!" Said a grizzled older man's voice, "How the hell can you not see it?! It's right fucking there!"
Steve squinted and picked up the cucumber. He opened up his notepad and tried to draw it, but he was shaking too much and ended up drawing something weird. I couldn't really tell what it was, but it looked like a picture of Hitler at a children's birthday party. Steve was then led to the second clue, which again had the man yelling angrily.
"You can hear me I know you can!"
That voice came from the other room.
Steve needed another shower, he showered again then found the second clue... it was a jar of Vaseline. He couldn't even draw this, it was just a straight line followed by the camera cutting back to them with one eye closed. A few seconds later, Steve is seen on the phone with his doctor.
"Uh... I feel like my dog is trying to kill me. And all the utensils and appliances in my house has faces. And Uuuh..."
The phone's disconnected.
Steve is shown walking over to his door to lock it with great paranoia. He makes a huge deadbolt across the room and turns around to adjust a crooked picture of the room he's in on the wall.
"Look!" a voice yelled.
The third clue was on Steve's right butt-cheek.
Steve went over to the chair and began to deliberate on his clues.
"Huh... What is something, I could do, with a Cucumber, Vaseline, and, Uuh...?"
He thought and thought about it. He asked the audience, he paced around the room, he tried desperately to comprehend what the clues added up to... but he couldn't... Blue began to talk in what seemed like a heavier German accent.
"I want to put the cucumber in your ass!"
Steve began to scream as the dog jumped forward; revealing rows, and rows of teeth like a trash compactor.
"Do it you amulet!"
The teeth began to rotate in a machine like fashion, but Steve ran to the other room. The door was gone, he tried desperately to draw with a crayon, but the fire from the kitchen made the home so hot, the crayon melted into the wall. A bloody wheelchair with leeches laid in the corner. Blue's head elongated by a foot in length, and his eyes grew as wide as saucers. Talon-like claws grew from her skin, and her rows of teeth begin to grind up the backdrop.
Steve's last hope was the trapdoor from earlier.
He ran over to it, he pulled it open; diving into it. Blue's monstrous teeth chattered as she began to sprout bony wings and blood began to pull from beneath her feet. Her stomach opens up in highly realistic gore and begins spewing mammoth chunks from everywhere. Massive columns of fire rapped from behind her as the walls cracked and broke. A strange hollow soulless noise began to envelope the screen as the demonic like spikes grew from the ground around him.
"I'm NoT bLuE... iM rEd...!"
Two dozen dead bodies lay at the bottom of the trap door. Steve stumbled over them, his blindness not letting him see what they were. The blood-red dog-like demon bit into Steve's arm; leaving a gnarl mess. Steve reached across the floor and picked up a crowbar, lifted it, and slammed it brutally into Red's skull. Cracking it into bloody pieces. Red exploded; sending gore flying in all directions.
Steve slammed against the wall and joined the pile of bodies that were lying face down on the floor. The center of the explosion had revealed Red's true core. A little skeleton man in a top hat, and a monocle, began to dance around. He did all kinds of crazy dances with a sinister smile. As the skeletal man began to dance like Michigan J. Frog, a voice whispered,
"I'm in your home..."
I personally looked around my own home and saw nothing. The tape should've ended there. The credits to the children's program began to roll but... They were abruptly cut by some random conversation between two people.
"This, really is good pizza!" One of them says.
I thought it was Steve.
"They say, when you lose one sense, it heightens the others! Hard to enjoy it!" Steve continued holding a spoon.
There was nobody else there. He was having a conversation with the air around his dinner table.
"I wouldn't enjoy this as much if I had my eyes! He took... my eyes!"
The camera cut to Steve with two abyss like holes that were wider than normal eye sockets. deep within his eye sockets there was like nothingness as he smiled and enjoyed his pizza.
He wasn't alone though. The shovels, pails, salt and pepper shakers, the garbage cans and refrigerators... they were all alive and well.
YouTube reading
Credited to CrystalKnight
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