Bob's Tragic Life
Bob was not always a punching bag for the entire world. Believe it or not Bob was once the most talkative man in all of Alaska. He had a good job and a nice house. Everything was going well for ole Bob until he met her.
Bob married his wife Bobby in the summer of 1980. Bobby always hated her husband and would always interrupt him whenever he'd go to say something. She'd ask him questions but before Bob could actually answer them she would interrupt him. This made Bob become very emotionally distant. It also didn't help that his wife began cheating on him with a security guard named Gordy who worked at the local mental hospital. Gordy also owned a bear as a pet which he would use to threaten Bob with whenever Bob asked for the pair to end their affair. Bob was fully aware of the affair but was preoccupied with his well paying job.
Now before meeting Bobby, Bob lived a very normal life. He was born in Alaska in 1958 and was a straight B student at school like some kind of Barry B Benson. After graduating, Bob went straight into the vast world of business. He managed to land an apprenticeship under Humpty Dumpty the insane and very creepy owner of Kinder Enterprises. He soon rose through the ranks of the company to become Humpty's right-hand man and direct advisor. His quick witted nature allowed for the company to make deals with other chocolate manufacturers which led to them making more money and Bob's promotion.
Bob was introduced to Bobby in the chilly Winter of 1979 whilst celebrating his promotion at a bar. Bob and Bobby began dating soon after and got married in the Summer of 1980. The reason for marrying so soon after they met was because Bobby wanted all of Bob's money. She was a gold digger. She used Bob's money to buy herself a trailer and a dog which could speak. It had a German accent. It's also worth noting that because the dog could speak English he cost millions upon millions of dollars to purchase. Imagine the grocery bills. Ha ha! Anyways, Bobbie decided to name the dog Mr Weenie even though Bob hated the name. He would preferred the dog to be named Winston. Bobby didn't give much attention to Bob or his suggestions. She was only interested in his money. She never actually loved Bob for his bobby charm. Now that ain't nice.
Also, Bob sadly didn't have a very good relationship with his parents more specifically his father. This was because Bob never really knew his mother as she left the house to travel the world with her lover Henry The Albatross when Bob was only two years old. His father on the other hand was a big brute of a man despite being only 4 foot. His father's name was Papi. Real original name. Anyways, Bob was always determined to impress his father in order to get the big thumbs up. Bob could never get the thumbs up from Papi as he hated Bob for getting into the egg business. Papi had wanted Bob to join him in the family business of selling cheese. Bob still hasn't got the big thumbs up from Papi and I doubt he ever will. So sad. Bob sometimes gets postcards from his mother which he then feeds to his pet dog Mr Weenie by blending them up into Weenie's dog food.
Bob's talkative and happy life didn't fall apart all because of Bobby. No in reality, she had very little to anything to do with it. The real cause of Bob's downward spiral came from an incident known as the Great Fire of 82. Here is the story of the fire. I'd get a box of tissues ready because this is quite a sad story. I'm actually tearing up just thinking about it. Two years after marrying Bobby, Bob was fired from Kinder Enterprises on the request of Governor Shaw Fetching. Despite Shaw being a terrible governor who loves to sing terrible tunes whilst smoking a candy cigarettes; Shaw has a lot of powerful friends. One of those friends just happened to be Humpty Dumpty. Shaw hated Bob for making a crude remark about the dear governor at a company Christmas party even though Bob was heavily high on crispy buns at the time. Shaw lied to Humpty and said that Bob was working as a spy for John Redcorn who planned on banning Kinder Eggs and Kinder from the face of Earth.
The next day after lunch, Bob was called into Humpty's office for an important meeting. Bob entered the office to see Humpty was glaring at him with a sinister Humpty kind of glare that only that a mother could love. He rose from his chair and walked over to Bob whilst proclaiming, "CHOCOADOOBY!" You see Humpty couldn't actually speak proper sentences so he had to have an incredibly nervous man named Ping act as his translator. "Mr Dumpty is very angry with you Bob," Ping said before continuing with, "I'm sorry to tell you but you're fired." "Fired but why?" Bob asked as Dumpty replied with, "knee on grubbily." Ping cleared his throat as he said, "a contact told Mr Humpty that you were feeding company secrets over to John Redcorn." He continued with, "Mr Redcorn has been a major thorn in this company's side for years as I'm sure you're aware." Humpty then bellowed, "TOY!" He began trying to grab Bob with his immense strength but was stopped by Ping which allowed Bob to be able to escape.
Shortly after getting fired, Bob lost his house and had to move into a grubby trailer which Bobby had bought with the last of Bob's money. Bob also didn't have any insurance despite real estate agent Richard Beck strongly recommending it to him. He had to live in a shit hole of a trailer until he could get back up on his feet. This sadly is still yet to happen. This is also when Bobby began her affair with the evil security guard known as Gordy. Bob was furious with the fact that he got fired for something he didn't do. He knew fully well that Shaw had been the one to set him up. Shaw always hated him. Bob began plotting for revenge with the help of drinking buddy Herbert Chapman who loves fires.
Bob and Chapman began scheming to set fire to the Kinder Enterprises Building. This in Bob's mind was the ultimate revenge. He could not think of anything better. The day after getting fired, Bob and Chapman sat in the Starbucks across the street from the building as Humpty Dumpty and Ping closed up for the night. Bob and Chapman watched them leave in order to make sure the coast was clear. They left Starbucks and ran across the street to the front gate of the building. Bob still had his security card on him which allowed him full access to the building at any time.
Bob and Chapman made their way inside the building carrying four very large and heavy bottles of gasoline. The pair poured the gasoline all over the floor. However just as Bob was about to set the place ablaze he received a phone call from Humpty Dumpty. "Me scruple now." Humpty said before the phone was handed over to his translator Ping. "Mr Humpty would like to say sorry Bob. We just found out that Shaw was lying to us about you working for Redcorn. So Mr Humpty has decided in his upmost wisdom to rehire you for twice the pay. It's our way of saying sorry. So what do ya say Bob?" Before Bob could respond, Chapman lit the dreaded match that set the entire building ablaze. Bob and Chapman were forced out of the building by the roaring flames. The building collapsed to the ground in mere minutes. Sadly right behind Kinder Enterprises sat an entire village. The houses in the village were all made from straw due to Mayor Pig advising them to do so. "I got the corn!" Mayor Pig sang as the entire village was ablaze in the fire.
The very next day, Bob moved out of town with his wife to the woods. He faked his death by paying Chapman to say that Bob died whilst trying to stop the fire. Humpty Dumpty wasn't affected much by the loss of his building as his company was still making millions upon millions in dollars. Bob meanwhile fell into despair. He had wiped out an entire village and lost his chance at getting his job back. This is what led to Bob losing his voice.
The Great Fire of 82 had changed Bob. The fire was all over the News, newspaper, and radios. Chapman meanwhile moved to Los Angeles where he got a job working for property tycoon Leland Monroe. The LAPD were somehow aware of Chapman's involvement in the fire and kept a close eye on him 24/7. Shaw meanwhile was well aware that Bob had been responsible for the fire but actually approved of him doing it. The night after the fire, Shaw went out to celebrate by running over a deer over on the freeway. He placed the deer on front of his truck and danced all through the night in admiration for Bob. "Oh Shaw you've been living in the woods too long." Gordy joked whilst watching Shaw dance. Meanwhile, Bobby was happy to live in the woods so that Mr Weenie could run about freely. She got a job as a priest at the local church. Yes there was a church in the woods. Archdeacon James Pinkerton had placed the church in the woods as he was a big fan of animals. He had a pet lizard who ate Pinkerton's best friend and cowboy Apple Chin. Yeah the guy's name was Apple Chin. Hmm.
Bob liked living in the woods however. He soon got used to the surroundings and the local wildlife. He became something of a bird watcher. I should also mention that Bobby had kept some left over millions from when Bob was working for Humpty Dumpty. She used the money to buy a hot tub and a car. Bob liked both of them and often relaxed in the hot tub with a glass of tomato sauce. Yes Bob drank pure tomato sauce because he is just one sad strange little man. He has my pity.
As I said earlier if you were paying attention, Bob never speaks anymore. Ever. Well he sometimes tries but Bobby always goes out of her to interrupt him. Even Mr Weenie goes out of his way to interrupt Bob by saying, "mm yeah me want a sausage." He hates his wife for always interrupting him. The only time he has spoken in the last 38 years was when he sang Country Road after finding Mr Weenie when he went missing once. Country Road is Bob's favourite song and Rocky Road is his favourite ice cream. I'm sure old Mikey would agree with that. Bob has also become quite insane after becoming addicted to crispy buns which Bobby makes every Tuesday night. He can't get enough of them. He'll dance around the house like's he a mad man after eating just one of them.
Bob has tried to get work after getting fired by making a partnership with Goofy of all people. You see; Goofy wanted to catch Big Foot and wanted Bob to film some footage as Big Foot had been sighted in the area. Bob happily accepted as he was very high on crispy buns at the time. Bobby was also determined to help Bob for once with the filming.
Shaw actually came to visit Bob while he was doing the filming in order to say sorry for getting him fired from Kinder Enterprises. Shaw arrived at the trailer when Bob and Bobby were having a campfire with Mr Weenie. Shaw tackled Mr Weenie to the ground as he was deathly afraid of dogs. He was attacked by a smelly bulldog when he was a child. Well at least that's what Shaw claims what happened. No in reality, Shaw saw a bulldog sitting on top of his truck one day which said, "Churchill can save you money on your car insurance." "Oh no!" Shaw cried as he ran down the road crying like a little girl. You see Shaw for some reason was absolutely terrified of car insurance. It was car insurance that killed his father. Actually it was his father! That makes no fucking sense but whatever. "Oh yes!" Churchill proclaimed at the very top of his lungs while watching Shaw run down the streets.
Um.... sorry about that massive tangent. Where were we? Oh yeah... so Shaw tackled Mr Weenie to the ground before getting reprimanded by Bobby for doing so. "I have seen the future." Shaw said as he began to tell a really boring story about a racist beaver who refused to let a bear and a deer cross his fort made from tree bark. It was so fucking boring that Mr Weenie fell asleep from it. However because they're both stupid; Bob and Bobby loved the story and proceeded to explain their quest for Big Foot to Shaw. "Oh for Pete's sake." Shaw muttered as he left the pair to their insanity.
Also, Bob's insanity made him very reckless and careless with his actions. For example, Bob allows Mr Weenie to drive his car for him despite Mr Weenie having no arms and therefore being unable to drive. Once, Shaw was driving alongside Bob on the wrong side of the road as he was trying to overtake them. Shaw looked at Bob's car and saw Mr Weenie just chilling out in the driver's seat not even touching the bloody steering wheel. "UH?" Shaw muttered as he ended up driving his truck off into the nearby ditch. Poor old Shaw. Let's take a moment of silence for Shaw. Actually no fuck that we got things to do!
Bob is also rivals with the hot tub owner Pete who wanted it back for some reason. Bobby was able to make a deal with Pete. Pete was allowed to use the hot tub whenever he wanted just as long as he didn't take it away from her. One day, Bob got inside the hot tub and was relaxing until he saw Pete's big fat booming body standing over him. "Enjoying the view ay Bob?" Pete then made the water in the tub fly up into the air after jumping in. Bob got out from the tub as Pete said, "remember Bob keep her under your thumb."
Now regarding Bobby's affair with Gordy, Bob was fully aware of the affair and was secretly plotting to kill Gordy. He was only stopped from going through with it because of the bear that Gordy kept as a pet. The bear was also an acclaimed BBC actor which made killing Gordy a very hard task to be able to pull off effectively. Perhaps Bob would pay Shaw to kill the bear for him. That bear actually saved the deer from the front of Shaw's truck. As the deer had not died from being run over. Shaw planned on finding and killing that deer as well as killing the bear that freed it. Also Shaw was smart in running over the deer as he is a major mob boss. He tricked the bear into joining him in his criminal activities by robbing a store up in Walnut Pass. Sadly, the bear was protected from prison because he was Gordy's pet and the deer was protected because Gordy was corrupt and on his payroll for big money.
I'm sorry for getting distracted again but to be honest there's just not much more I can say about old Bob. He is quite the pathetic little creature. So pathetic in fact that he failed miserably in getting Big Foot footage for Goofy. The footage was eventually made by John Marston who was then taken fishing at Lake Destiny Idaho. "LAKE DESTINY IDAHO!" Goofy proclaimed while taking John fishing. While fishing, Marston and Goofy were chased down by the vengeful big foot who was not happy with his information being spread online. The pair were able to escape after Big Foot stole Goody's MP3 player and began dancing to classic 1970's music.
You see? I did it again! Bob is such an uninteresting little piece of gum that I can't even oh whatever. Bob is no longer the man he used to be. There's a shadow hanging over him. Also, Bob doesn't own a shower meaning he has to share one with Mr Bean. Once Bob got a call from a company he had been applying to whilst in the shower with Bean. Mr Bean picked up the phone and said, "ah Mr Grierson Bob is just in the shower with me." This was sadly the last time Bob ever got another job offer. Thanks a lot Mr Bean. You're not even a real baked bean.
So if you're ever out in the woods and you see Bob's trailer. Pay him a little visit. Tell Bob he's worth so much more than this provincial life. Then dance with him like some kind of Ebenezer Scrooge. Let Bob know he feels appreciated. If you do all that then maybe just maybe we can get Bob to go back to being the man he used to be. But I just have one very important question. When do the cows come home Bob? When do the cows come home?
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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